THE LAME LAWYER / DORKY DIPLOMAT

TINIMBANG KA NGUNIT FULHAM

2012-02-14T00:37:00.015+08:00

Several years ago, the Sports Guy came up with an elaborate process for choosing an English Premier League Team. Having been in the UK for close to three years now, I decided it was high time I too made a decision on what EPL club to support. My own selection system, however, was far simpler and shallower:

1) It has to be a London-based team, because I'm too pretty and delicate to go on crowded coach trips with other supporters/hooligans for hours just to catch a match --- this leaves Arsenal, Tottenham, Queens Park Rangers, Chelsea and Fulham in the running.

2) Under the same reasoning, it may as well be a team right next to my West London "Cheese Whiz" neighbourhood --- that means adios Arsenal and ta-tah Tottenham, ye of East London.

3) It need not have to be a championship contender (so the fans can't be accused of frontrunning), but it shouldn't suck and be threatened with relegation either --- so can't save you, Queen's Park Rangers.

our cab driver agrees

4) Nobody likes Chelsea.

Ok then. That seems to have narrowed things down considerably. But just to seal the deal, I gotta know from the remaining candidate:

1) Does it proudly have an Azkal on its roster?

Check

2) Is the team's stadium possibly the prettiest and most picturesque in the Premiership, featuring among others: a) a riverside terrace with great after-the-match-walk-home views....

Check

....and, b) a papemelroti-esque cottage right on the field, with all the WAGs conveniently gathered on the balcony for easier papera-stalking?

Check (and thank you)

3) Finally, does it pay proper tribute to that great football icon, Michael Jackson?

Che.....wait, what?

That settles it then. Fulham FC, I choose you!

Well I'm hooked! Great atmosphere, friendly fans, good-quality football. I even like to think of myself now as a lucky charm of sorts for the team, as I happened to be recording whenever a Fulham goal-scoring chance came up

Fulham new boy Pavel makes it 1-0

Fulham stud Dempsey makes it 2-0 with a long-distance strike

Right at the end, Fulham stud Dempsey shoots at an open goal....and misses (leading to a decidedly unstudly squeal from me)

Good times, good times. And as the match ends, I get to soak in the great walk-home riverside views, the lively football fan chatter, and everything else that makes my new club great.

Such as the surprising "mamase mamasa mamakuza" football chants

THIS YEAR'S OFFICE BASKETBALL TEAM RECRUITMENT IS GOING WELL

2012-02-10T01:27:00.006+08:00

I mentioned briefly during the last year-in-review that the Embassy actually had the basketballs to field a team in the largest London FilCom tournament, and in the spirit of fostering good relations we..um, chose to lose by 30 points. A game. For five straight games.

Well then. You may be the country's new heroes, FilCom, but every FSO cadet knows the Three Pillars of Philippine Policy are a smart point guard, a quick swingman, and a dominating center. So this year, there's no more fooling around. This year, we intend to kick a**. This year...we will stretch the definition of what constitutes an Embassy employee eligible to play in the tournament to "whoever happens to be in the UK for a series of exhibition games and pays a courtesy call on the Ambassador".

mmmm...I don't know...I count only six former MVPs...I still better put myself down for 40 minutes of playing time a game, just to be safe.

GOTTA CATCH A CAB / 'EM ALL

2012-02-03T04:08:00.007+08:00

You may have heard that our tourism office has been tricking out some of those iconic London black cabs and splashing "Philippines" all over their sides. Hells yeah. And soon they will be retrofitted with the new "It's more Fun..." images, just in time for the Olympics. Represent.

There are now 50 of these bad boys roaming London, and it's become a parlour game of sorts to spot and snap them all over town. I've personally seen maybe 20 of them and been able to kodak eight as they passed by famous landmarks.

Trafalgar Square

Admiralty Arch

Her Majesty's Theatre

Hyde Park

Westfield mall

Picadilly Circus*

(* If you think the LLDD is the more famous landmark that should have been referred to instead, I have no problem with that)

Bayswater (sorta kinda near Notting Hill)

The Ritz Hotel

It's also very possible tourism says they've got 50 taxis, and I've just seen one taxi over and over and over again.

Either way, Billy Joe...play us out!

MEME-ORIES, LIGHT THE CORNERS OF MY MIND. MESSY WATER COOLER MEME-ORIES....

2012-01-28T01:28:00.016+08:00

While I've long advocated that the batch's annual around-the-world picture-picture should take place outdoors so that we can actually see what things look like, you know, around the world, I won't complain about this year's office mess meme-theme. It warmed my heart to see rooms were shambolic everywhere, and the corresponding crossfire comments on Facebook were sufficiently sarcastic and/or self-loathing to make me feel much better about my own squalor. Thanks, Batch!

Madrid

"My desk looks 'busy' because I haven't filed anything since 2011"

"Malamig? No heater?"

Singapore

"It is not my fault that IKEA had a pink-and-purple color theme going on the last time I went shopping for office decor."

"Ask your staff to give you folders only in purple."

San Francisco

"how does he get into his desk?"

"Pareho kami ng tanong. The answer: MAGIC!"

‎"With style. Always with style."

"Nagpose lang"

"I have to say - ang payat mo na. Nakakainis ka. Wag ka tatabi sa akin."

"I was more concerned about my pimple rather than what my desk looks like"

Canberra

"he looks serious"

"I've found that babies in the office are very useful for stamp and envelope moistening"

"With him at work, I have mastered how to type with one hand. Next time I rapporteur, I can bring him along."

"He hasn't aged a day (damn him)"

Islamabad

"Plantsadong plantsadong si mister. Wacky shot naman dyan!"

"Mahirap nang magpakuha ng wacky shot. Baka di na ako igalang ng local hire namin"

Vancouver

(no comments posted yet, but I would say that blue folder just plain gave up and burst its guts out)

Agana

"anlinis o!"

"totoo ba yan?"

"Maximalist painting! I remembered something from cadetship!"

Hong Kong

"I can understand the masks and the Palawan pic but a chicken on your desk??? what the.."

Dubai

"I am scarred by the thought that he actually has a Jacuzzi in his bathroom"

"I thought you were going to pose IN the jacuzzi"

"It's a picture of a bathtub, yet i feel so...dirty"

Athens (newly assigned batchmate first reporting for duty that day)

"Amoy pintura pa ba?"

London

"Because my desk's too messy to Plank, and because I want to see our Dubai batchmate Leisure Dive into his office jacuzzi"

O, 'di-Bow? Sa uulitin batch!

MORE ADVENTURES IN PRONUNCIATION!

2012-01-19T20:15:00.006+08:00

It always makes me smile whenever the "Pronunciation Department" of a British media outlet calls up the Embassy and asks for help with a word or name (like they did here). It's great that they want to get things right and actually have a whole department just for this, and I like to imagine they also have a "Spelling Directorate", "Pleasantries Division" and "Smirk-Raised Eyebrow Joint Task Force".

Anyway, the name to be checked for the day was "Magtanggol". I of course gave them the proper pronunciation, but in my mind I sooooooo wanted to chant "DEE-Fense (clap clap) DEE-Fense (clap clap)" as my reply over the phone.

JUST WANNA HAVE FUN

2012-01-10T22:34:00.008+08:00

You can tell a lot about a person, it seems, from how he/she reacted to the new DOT campaign. Try this little experiment: divide your facebook "friends" between those who took to it, those who held their peace, and those who reflexively screamed "faiiiilllllllllll!". What do you notice about everyone in the last group? Exactly.

Now just for kicks, unsubscribe - even for just a little while - from the updates of all those "friends" who fell over themselves rushing to hate on the campaign. See how your wall is suddenly lighter, brighter and, dare I say it, more fun!

Ah, yes, that phrase. New or not, I gauge its success by how the happier, more creative souls out there just brilliantly ran with it. There's now no shortage of "More Fun" albums and meme-makers -- there's even a geek version! (my favorites of the lot: the Moriones 300, the planking lechon, crowdsourcing Quiapo, and angry birds sabong). And, like Pringles or mani, once you start going through them, you just can't stop. It succeeds because it time-sucks!

Heck, once I found out what the new slogan was, I spent my hour-long tube ride to work zoning-out and dreaming of possible UK-reference versions:

Picture of kids playing with salagubang: Beetlemania. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of the Puerto Princesa river: The Underground. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of a packed town plaza watching a Pacquiao fight: Boxing day. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of Cagayan caves: Limescale. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of a fully stocked Bulacan paputok store: Arsenal. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of bayanihan in action: Relocation, Relocation. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of palengke vendors calling customers: Girls Aloud. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of the tinikling: Double Yellow Lines. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of oblation run: University Challenge. More Fun in the Philippines.
Picture of a celebrity Belo patient: Stiff upper lip. More Fun in the Philippines.

I ended up missing two stops making these! At naisingit ko pa ang medical tourism!

Are they corny? Sure. Did I look like a total doofus on the train talking to myself while thinking them up? Absolutely! Did I exceedingly enjoy the whole process? Hell, yeah! That's the whole point! Your mind is brought back over and over to a most happy and special place -- home!

So let the haters hate.

I'm having fun.

WHAT PARK OF NO DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

2012-01-06T01:50:00.022+08:00

As you may have suspected, I'm kind of addicted to crack. Er, Cracked. Imagine my delight, then, when this recently came out.

The 6 Most Ridiculous Abuses of Diplomatic Immunity

All the FSO exam reviewer you'll ever need

Not that they've asked me to independently assess the validity of the claims in the article, but yes, yes, not always, yes but see below, awesome, and a bit more nuanced than that plus embassies aren't legally foreign soil.

Now obviously I wouldn't have any experience in kidnapping, killing or running casinos (as far as you know), but I do have some expertise in that which is far more more bad-ass, um, parking.

In congested central London, parking is a VERY big deal. And expensive. And confusing. Thus, the perkiest of perks diplomats in the city have are their diplomatic license plates and the dedicated parking spaces that love them.

Come to daddy

Now before y'all go message boarding Cracked asking them to hate on diplomats even more, know that in London: (a) embassies had to pay a lot for those spaces upfront; (b) no matter how many diplomats it may have, each mission can have only up to five parking spaces; and (c) parking may be free, but everyone can pay up to £120 (over P7,000) just for driving into the city.

(b) is actually kind of amusing in practice, as there are only a few hundred diplomatic parking spaces total around London, but there are several thousand diplomats who work in the city. (London, after all, likes to brag that it has the largest number of bilateral diplomats in the world) (not that there's anything wrong with that). So there's an unwritten agreement within the London diplomatic community that no one parks in another mission's slots during weekday office hours, but its Mad Max rules once the sun goes down. For us embassies located in the theatre district, this means strange (and often more bitchin') cars suddenly show up outside at night and take up our spaces.

Boss, boss! "D" plates! "D" plates!

We try to hit back at weekends by parking at other embassies located near ~~bars and Harrods~~ parks and museums. On those occasions when a car from one embassy makes the mistake of prematurely parking at another's, there's a lot of harrumphing, but ultimately an understanding that things have to be settled, well, diplomatically. What's funny is how different embassies go about it: some actually send formal Notes Verbale, others are perfectly fine with leaving handwritten post-it notes from the ambassador on the windshield.

(By the way, remember how I said each mission only gets five spaces? Guess where I rank within the Embassy? That's right, sixth!)

You will be mine. Oh yes, you will be.

Which brings us to (c) -- literally. Seriously, the circled "C" is one of the most despised symbols in London, as it stands for Congestion Charge, i.e. big money you immediately have to shell out if you decide to bring your car to work. So even though a diplomat may have a free parking space waiting for him at his embassy (if he's ranked higher than sixth, hmp), getting there can set him back at least £10 (i.e. P700) a day.

Look at it, just staring at you, like the eye of Sauron

Ah, but the infallible Cracked says drivers with diplomatic plates can choose to ignore those types of parking fines, adding "While most developed nations do try to pay them, most third world nations just don't care and don't even try." Well, to paraphrase Yakov Smirnoff, "in London, developed nations like Russia don't even try to pay you!" Yep, over here it's the biggest countries that owe the most unpaid Congestion Charges, a complaint that goes right to the top. Meanwhile, smaller countries (like everyone in ASEAN) duly and promptly settle all their charges. In fact, as newly appointed office concierge, it's part of my job to hunt down every embassy personnel who incurs a penalty, escorting them to an ATM or standing over them as they write a check if I have to. Like I said, I'm a parking bad-ass.

So how do the superpowers get away with not paying the London Congestion Charge? It comes down to legal semantics. The powers claim the Charge is actually a tax, and therefore diplomatic missions are exempt from payment under the Vienna Convention. London city authorities on the other hand say the Charge is exactly just that, akin to a toll that every road user would have to pay. It's tricky, and so far no court resolution appears in sight. It would take an extremely sharp legal mind to definitively settle the mess.

Fortunately, the word "lawyer" also appears on this blog's title, and in my years of legal study and practice, I know exactly where to look for answers.

7 Brilliant Movie Lawyers (Who Suck at Their Job)

All the bar exam reviewer you'll ever need

Now THIS is diplomacy

2012-01-05T02:15:00.006+08:00

The above is required viewing for all aspiring dorky diplomats out there. Note how the opposing and seemingly irreconcilable views are juxtaposed at the outset; how the mutually assured destruction scenario is then laid bare; and how the enlightened third way is finally proffered. Textbook.

Live long and laway

IT'S THE NEW YEAR. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR DIPLOMATS ARE?

2012-01-04T01:41:00.006+08:00

I, for one, spent part of new year's eve on airport duty. I took consolation in the fact that: 1) I saw a LOT of cars with different diplomatic plates at the Heathrow parking lot that day, which meant many of my brethren were practising the art of airport sundo as well; 2) other diplomats may have been partying TOO hard over the holidays; and 3) you can spectacularly combine 1 and 2.

YEAR IN REVIEW...KIND OF...NOT REALLY...I'M JUST SO SLEEPY

2011-11-10T02:40:00.016+08:00

Man, time just flies, innit? I didn't realize its been six months since I last posted on this site. Between having a baby and recently being appointed office concierge, there's simply hasn't been enough hours in a day to do anything other than mag-alaga. Anyway, to try to bring things up to speed, below are one title/photo/punchline each of some things that happened over the last half of the year. I should be able to add more photos and fuller context as soon as things quiet down in about, oh, 21 years.

Meantime, starting next year, I'll try once more to have shorter, stupider, yet more frequent posts. (like twitter, in other words, or that friend on facebook who takes up two-thirds of everyone's wall and ends every update with "LOL") I'm calling it this blog's nappy re-boot.

'Til then, D.J. spin that "Lost" flash back/forward whoooosh s***.

Feeling Old While Watching an Age-Inappropriate Concert

But feeling like Clive Owen in "Children of Men (at 7:40)" carrying the LLDD-baby through all the ushers!

How do you feed 50 embassy guests when you just have five small loaves of hor d'oeuvres and two small fish canapés? Why, by inviting the guy who played Jesus of course!

If you ask me, the real sin was those guys pants

Speakers Cornered

(this was the actual exchange of the bottom photo)

Guy on the right: "I'll show you my i-Phone and prove you're wrong"

Guy on the left: "I don't need an i-Phone, I use my brain"

(oooh, burn)

Canterburied

Where it was first decided the LLDD-baby would make a perfect travel gnome

Doverrr therrrre, Doverrr therrrrrrre

Because I wanted to be able to say to the LLDD-baby that I already took her to see France

The Perks of Being a Wall-Crawler

If you thought I woudn't be pretending to be Spider-Man and crouching and shooting webs and all that as I was inspecting the Embassy's new paint job, then you just don't know me very well.

If you look real closely, you'll see there's a perfectly good reason for posting these photos

Not THAT closely!

Savage Garden

The creepy part was, the LLDD-Hyphen-L just stood there...and WATCHED

Oh Wales

Where we liked to think we were new students at Professor Xavier's mansion

Baptism of Fire

Dammit, forgot the kid!

Baby, baby, baby SHOWWWWW......

Oh no she did-uhnt...oh yes the LLDD-Baby DID just get into a pose-off against a younger model!

Fil-Com Relations 101: Embassy promoting goodwill by losing by 30 points at the bi-annual Autumn basketball tournament

When I said I was cold off the bench, I was COLD off the bench!

It's Monday, I must be in...Milan

Duomo a Milano (Mister Roboto)

It's Saturday, I must be in...Glasgow

Pictured: Glasgow at sunrise... and high noon...and afternoon...

Lord, what a Show!

The LLDD-Baby even came up with a new DOT slogan: "pbbbthhhththhssth".

No fooling, these were taken at the same park and on the same weekend the Fenton video went viral

Which is fitting, because we already established that Jesus Christ was at the Embassy earlier

It's the Barong. Queens dig the Barong

As did the Duke.

(seriously, they both came up to us specifically to admire our Filipiniana; of course we said it was made from the finest and most expensive piña [it wasn't]; this really needs it's own blog post someday)

And finally, the traditional Twelve Days of DFA Posts Christmas Greetings (abridged version), a.k.a. unleash the photoshop!

The memes that keeps on meme-ing!

MALIGAYANG PASKO AT MALIGO SA BAGONG TAON!

God, dad, you're such a DORK

IT'S THURSDAY, I MUST BE IN...TAUNTON

2011-06-22T21:40:00.014+08:00

Let's get the obligatory Star Wars reference out of the way, shall we? When I heard the Embassy would be joining the other ASEAN missions on a Taunton reconnaissance trip, I thought, well, you know....

I was so hoping it was a typo, I was so hoping.

While Somerset Taunton may be decidedly less bad-ass than Hoth Tauntaun, the former certainly is cool and interesting in it's own right. And you don't have to slice it open.

Highlights of the visit:

SatNav can suck It

First stop was the local hydrographic office, one of world's biggest producers civil and military nautical charts and surveys. The place also keeps archives of centuries old, yet amazingly accurate, country maps and sketches.

The first SM mall was plotted and everything

To make things more interesting, we liked to pretend there was drama whenever all these diplomats from southeast asia looked at the maps of a certain, um, sea.

awwwkwaaaarrrd

It's just business, it's just not cricket

From the hydrographic office, the delegation proceeded to the town's beautiful cricket grounds for a working lunch with local businessmen and trade officials. Now, talk of tax breaks, investment incentives, forex rates, export processing zones, labor costs etc. -- that I could keep up with. The moment a local chatted me up about cricket however -- oh man. They were kind enough to try to explain the most basic rules to me, but I went cross-eyed so often they simply smiled and walked away.

That scoreboard is trying to tell me something, BUT WHAT?!!?

Too school for cool

Well then. Our next stop was a private school that exuded so much excellence and exclusivity, Harry Potter was turned down admission. All our student guides were so supremely self-confident yet effortlessly charming, I sucked my thumb and chewed my nails to the bone in insecurity.

Let me put in pictures. That up there? That's their freaking arts and music room! All my school had was craypas and some tambourines made out of tansans.

Drown your sorrows in cider

Ah yes, the perfect way to cap the day -- a tour of a cider factory! Cider has become my favourite alcoholic beverage here in the UK: less strong than, say, beer, but more manly than, say, Cali shandy.

(I have a low threshold)

Anyway, it was was great fun for everyone in the ASEAN delegation to go around the apple farm and see how everything was picked and processed. With the gorgeous countryside bathed in a warm sunset glow, the diplomats all acknowledged the entire trip was very fruitful (har!) and productive, and that Taunton was indeed a very special place.

Although the Ambassadors' ride was slightly different from what they were used to.

Postscript: the cider must have had more alcohol than I thought, because I could have sworn I saw a giant white horse on the side of a mountain during the train ride home.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO REACH ME, AZKALS

2011-06-17T17:11:00.009+08:00

Note to self: if you're gonna jump on the Philippine football bandwagon, make sure you're in shape to make the leap. Otherwise...splat!

Really, what made my flabby ass think it was a good idea to challenge - on behalf of ASEAN - our UK Foreign Office counterparts to a friendly match? Watching Match of the Day, playing Wii Soccer and naming the LLDD-baby Ma. Beckham United does not make me a footballer, dammit!

Oh well. What's done is done. At least goodwill was generated and fun had by all. But, please, someone kick me in the nutmeg if I ever think of doing something like this again.

For obvious reasons, our ASEAN teammates took up the attacking skill positions, while the Philippine Embassy players stayed back in defense. Three minutes in, nakapamewang na lahat kami. You can't teach that form, you just can't.

Nobody looks at a ball he knows he can't get to with as much intensity as I do. Despite my fierce look, my thought bubble read "Please don't head towards me, please don't head towards me"

Not bad. In the heat of battle, I manage to be photographed with a Close-up smile while playing. I say that makes me as marketable as a Younghusband, no?

Final score: ASEAN 5 - UK Foreign Office 4. And only three of their goals were my fault!

(Azkals, call me!)

THE BATCH-AT-POST RIZAL CELEBRATION BATTLE WAS ON

2011-06-09T18:36:00.023+08:00

Paternity leave over (sigh), but not a moment too soon as far as my office was concerned, as Philippine foreign service posts all over the world were busy staging their respective Rizal 150th anniversary activities. I can proudly say the Embassy in London was not left behind in the pabonggahan.

(It is little known that bongga is a universally accepted diplomatic term)

So what my batchmates got?

San Francisco PCG

The old "wow-we-have-a-direct-descendant-of-Rizal-here-today-with-us", a great grand nephew to be precise. Not bad, not bad. But we also had a Rizal great grand nephew of our own here in the UK (third from right)

Advantage London, because if we learned nothing else from Glee, it's that those with the Bieberish look cannot lose.

Seoul PE

A donation of educational materials on Philippine culture, including Rizal's "The Monkey and the Turtle". Cool. London also had a talk on "Monkey"...

...delivered by the same author whose book the Embassy launched last June which carried the greatest of taglines "so many armpits, so little deodorant". Case closed. Although I should also add the historical note that Rizal specifically contributed "Monkey" to a London magazine, one of his few writings in English. So neener neener, Seoul.

Hong Kong PCG

A walkabout through Rizal's daily route. Historical and healthy! Thing is, we also held a historical walk in London, one that ended at Rizal's house in posh Primrose Hill (where many celebrities now live). . .

. . . and what's that? . . .

. . . Rizal's great grand nephew can play the violin, and actually serenaded everyone on Rizal's doorsteps?! Ay sobrang nakaka in-love na yang batang 'yan, ha

Agana PCG

Inauguration of a Rizal reading room at the consulate. Well played. The Embassy in London also has a Filipiniana resource center, and while we haven't officially named it yet, it does carry several great original Rizal-centric artworks. . .

. . .and since Agana brought up the term reading room, well, London PE is now compelled to mention the most famous of 'em all and...oh, no we didn't...oh, yes we did break out the book Rizal signed to gain access to the British Museum's Round Reading Room!

Phi-lip-pines! Phi-lip-pines! Phi-lip-pines!

So is there no one left? Is there no post that can match London PE's Rizal-360? Is there nowhere in the worl....

Madrid PE

(ay)

Dios mio. A concert of musical arrangements of Rizal's written works. A lecture titled "Rotten Beef and Stinking Fish". So many activities the main press release thought it best to double up on the lead photo collage. Very, very well done, Madrid. If I had to choose, my favourite would be the non-stop reading of Noli me Tangere -- an incredible display of skill, passion and strength.

In contrast, I stumbled right out of the gate and was wheezing and dizzy after this two-minute reading of a friar's letter to Rizal. Too much emote.

I take solace in the fact that, well, this is Madrid we're dealing with after all. Centuries old ties and all that. I mean, they have their own full-sized Rizal monument and a Metro station named Islas Filipinas for crying out loud.

Allthooouuughhhhhh....if I got my history right, there is a London Tube station named after Pacquiao's last British opponent and the punch that did him in...

And just like that, London PE is back in the game

SO THIS IS HOW CALVIN'S PHOTOGRAPHER FELT

2011-06-07T18:16:00.010+08:00

I swear, I won't be one of those parents who won't shut up or stop bragging about their babies (or, as they call the female of that specie here in the UK, dummy mummies). Nope, none of that lack of civility here on this blog dedicated to the advancement of law and diplomacy.

That being said, I am still very much a certified LL-DD-PP (Proud Parent), and if I can make any connection between my little bundle of joy and legal embassy work...THEN ALL BETS ARE OFF!

So...who wants to see my baby getting her first diplomatic passport photos taken? You do!!

Now, because I'm so ~~pitied~~ high-ranking at the office, I thought any photos of the LLDD-Baby I submitted would be rubber-stamp approved post-haste. I was wrong. Big time. Indeed, the entire set of photos I first took were decisively rejected by the consular boss with by-the-book certainty:

None of the pictures would be acceptable for the passport. Mouth should be closed. She should also be looking up at you -- so it looks straight. Adjust her neck as you take photos. Hands must also be down.

OK...mouth closed, check. Look straight, check. Hands down, check.

blue background of Embassy, check

OK. I think I got all that. Sounds easy enough. Let's fraking DO this!!!

(after three hours.....)

(sigh)

And to think, this is just for the passport. What the heck am I going to do about photos for the British visa?

I got your diplomatic immunity right here, daddy.

A NEW HOPE

2011-05-31T19:06:00.019+08:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....uh, I last posted on this blog.

But with good reason!! Indeed, few things in my life are significant enough to stop me from blogging yet update my facebook status. And this is one of them.

Behold, then!...The LLDD-Hyphen-L and I...now...have...a SPAWN!

(er, baby!)

Now, realizing many of my brethren dorks may not know how babies are born (and, ahem, made), I owe it to them to explain the whole padawan acquisition process in - what else - Star Wars terms.

(Cue my music!)

Some nine months ago, "Vader" "boarded" "the Princess'" "blockade-runner"

(the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I were, um, into role-reversal back then)

Note: it is perfectly natural for "Vader" to fall asleep right after "boarding"

Like the first time you see Darth Maul's double-edged light saber, you squeal in excitement when you find TWO lines attached to your stick

(no fools, I made two pshfwwwuuuummmmm sounds when I saw the lines; I don't think I should have waved the stick around like a saber, though)

Commander, the scanners are detecting a lifeform

With a high midi-chlorian count!

In preparation for your new life journey, look to purchase a good land speeder from among the thousands of high-tech (and staggeringly expensive) models.

Note that since the XP-38 came out, yours might not be in demand. But it will be enough.

Over the next nine months, assemble a stomach Death Star (with cloaking device!)

I swear, there were a thousand times when the LLDD-Hyphen-L would be seated behind a desk or facing away from me or something, and I'd completely forget she was pregnant until she turned to her side. Like seeing the Imperial fleet suddenly coming out of lightspeed, I'd yell "Aiiiiiigh!!! Where'd that come from?!!"

Speaking of lightspeed, in the same way you can't emerge from it too early so as to alert the rebels of your arrival, in the UK you won't be admitted into the hospital if they think you've called up too soon about going into labour. In either instance, you proceed to attack the base anyway.

"You've failed me for the last time, receptionist"

You may actually be sent back home a few times; in which case, your trips to the hospital follow the mood-arc of the entire Original Trilogy

Trip 1/A New Hope -- Fun and exciting, everything new a joy to experience

Trip 2/Empire Strikes Back -- Dark, painful and bitin

Trip 3/Return of the Jedi -- Success and relief, thanks to the ewoks/epidural

As for the moments leading to birth -- it's all a bit icky to describe, actually. Just put it this way: Star Wars Nerds and Moms alike will TOTALLY get it when I say, "The approach will not be easy. You are required to manoeuvre straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction..."

Also, "Wedge" plays a very key role.

But in the end, all the fear, anger, pain and suffering disappear once you're handed that beautiful little creature swaddled in robes

And just as George Lucas is asked non-stop about sequels, you as a new parent will henceforth endlessly hear from everyone, "Sundan na kagad!"

Perhaps. But first, we will watch this one's career "with great interest"

AT EVERY WEDDING, THERE HAS TO BE AN AGAW EKSENA GROUP AND THEIR "WACKY" POSES

2011-05-03T20:56:00.013+08:00

We are honoured to carry on this great Philippine tradition.

sorry Pippa, taken na 'yan

THE ART OF THE AIRPORT SUNDO

2011-04-20T22:25:00.014+08:00

Long weekends and holidays in Manila mean a chance for many to fly off and visit different destinations around the world. Long weekends and holidays for FSOs in said destinations mean having to receive those people who've flown off from Manila. Now, travelling to and fro airports on pick-up duty can be a tiring and time-consuming task, but here are a few things I've learned along the way that may help take the edge off.

All this was avoidable, John

1) Get to the airport early...but not TOO early

Say you have to receive a visitor who's scheduled to arrive at 3pm. How early should you leave work and arrive at the airport? If you say, "there is no right answer, you had me at 'leave work' " -- congratulations! On the one hand, long-haul flights can make up a lot of time mid-air and actually land hours ahead of schedule (and believe me, there is no more stomach-wrenching moment than driving up to an airport and seeing your visitor's flight number as "Arrived" up on the big-screen; you find religion that very instant).

On the other hand, no matter how early you get to an airport, you won't know what gate (or sometimes even terminal) your visitor's flight will arrive at until close to the plane's actual touchdown. For huge, sprawling airport complexes like those in London and Hong Kong, this is a very big deal. If you set up in one place too soon then learn of a different point of arrival, you have to relocate all your pang-sundo transports, go through a whole new set of security checks, run against the direction of the walkalators, etc.

My suggestion: look to arrive at an airport no more than 45-minutes ahead of a flight's ETA. This way, you won't have to stand around too long waiting for the plane to pull up, so you'll still have energy to run through the miles of gates if you have to.

Not pictured: the other goddamn 65

2) Dress for success (and easy searches)

Did I mention you're going to have to do all of the above mentioned running in full business attire? Yes, yes you are. You can't be receiving people looking like a slob or a jologs. When you're VIP steps out of the plane, he/she is fully expecting a proper-looking Pinoy welcome.

Thing is, dressing up is not entirely compatible with getting through security quickly. While your VIP visitor may be high-level enough to be whisked through screenings, your sorry-ass very much has to strip and de-shoe. And every second counts when there are motorcades waiting outside.

Clooney knows what I'm talking about

But you don't have to resort to Up in the Air-type profiling to get through security lines as fast as possible. All you need is some sensible dress-planning: wear loafers instead of lace ups; remove your belt and place in it your bag in advance; instead of searching for your keys, wallet, watch, jewelery, change, cellphone etc. from different locations on your person, place them all ahead of time in one inner pocket of the jacket/coat that your going to send through the scanner.

Break out the "special" pants from your honeymoon if you have to

And one more thing -- that airport badge that allows you special access around the place may look cool to you, but it looks like any regular staff I.D. to everyone else. So wear and flaunt it for all to see if you think it makes you look bad ass, just be prepared to answer a thousand "Excuse me, where's the duty-free bathroom?" questions from all the arriving passengers.

3) It's the car. VIPs dig the car.

So you receive a communication that says just two people are arriving at your post. Fine, you think, you can all fit in nicely in the regular Embassy car, maybe even play a little Spandau mix tape to get things comfortable. WRONG! (except the Spandau mix tape part). Never automatically assume a one person-to-one car seat space ratio. You have to find out ahead of time how long your visitors are staying at your post, where are they going once they arrive, who are they meeting up with and what do they need for that meeting -- basically as much information as you can gather to indicate how much luggage your visitors might be hauling along.

True story: during one of the foreign trips described in this here gem of a blog, I was tasked with being advance party/bearer of traditional gifts. This meant I was travelling on my own and arriving really early in the morning, hours ahead of the main party. The post receiving me apparently did not put that much thought into my arrival (and I can't blame them), so they sent two staff members in a small car to pick me up. Imagine their shock when I stepped out of the airport with three large trunkloads of official materials and presents. The trunks wouldn't fit in the car's trunk, and since there were three of us taking up seats (plus my own luggage), there was no more space left inside the car. That left the outside. Specifically, the roof.

Now, I may have failed high school physics (kaya nga nag-abogado, eh!), but even I knew trunks would fall off the roof of a car the moment it left first gear. The trunks had to be tied down somehow, except we didn't have anything resembling rope in the car. After searching through the trunks, we found...a "Mabuhay!" cloth streamer meant to greet the main party arriving later in the day. It would have to do. One last problem though: the streamer wasn't quite long enough; it only went far enough to go out the car window one on side, over the top of the trunks on the roof, and back into the window on the other side -- about a foot too short for the ends to meet and make a secure knot.

And so, at 3 o'clock in the morning on a desolate highway in the middle of nowhere, an Embassy car with valuables on its roof travels at 10 kph (5 when rounding curves), while inside a desperate FSO holds on to two ends of a "Mabuhay!" streamer for dear life.

And all because an embassy wasn't aware what ride befits the LLDD

SOME MIND BLOWING "ADJUSTMENT BUREAU"-LIKE STUFF JUST WENT DOWN

2011-03-16T02:43:00.016+08:00

(alternate title: "It's Been A While Since I Last Linked Myself to Matt Damon")

Follow me down this rabbit hole, if you dare.

1) Out of the blue, a London daily publishes an article singing the praises of a spa resort in Palawan.

2) By complete coincidence, the night before that paper came out, the Embassy hosted the launch of a children's fantasy book that was set in and inspired by the author's stay at the very same island featured in the article.

3) Unbeknownst to us, one of the visitors at the book launch that night was a Filipina-British actress . . .

4) . . . famous for playing a Filipina-British nurse on a popular drama series . . .

5) . . . whose first 0:15 seconds of dialogue might sound familiar, because a certain blogger wrote the following over a year ago:

DAY TWO* getting several media inquiries about the events, but nothing matches a bbc call from a while back. the producers of the drama "holby city" phoned me to ask what's tagalog for "lots of love". apparently a pinoy character was calling home and that was her goodbye. i struggled for a minute (you try it!) and just said the closest thing we got was "ingat" or "mahal ko kayo". it was either that or the jologs "love lots".

6) . . . a blogger that in his dreams bears a striking resemblance to the star of a just-released fate/coincidence/cause/effect-themed movie described as " 'Bourne' meets 'Inception' "

I just "Bureau"-ed your mind.

SECOND ANNIVERSARY NA NAMIN 'TO CHONG

2011-03-02T02:18:00.008+08:00

For those of you keeping track, you know that the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I mark the 2nd year of our wedded bliss right about this time of the year. (actually, if you've been keeping track of that....Stop it! Stop it right NOW! IT'S CREEPY!!!) So what's the secret to enduring happiness? Well, if you get the 80s reference in this post's title, you'll get that marriage is all about compromise -- especially come anniversary time. For our own weekend celebrations, for instance, the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I....

Watched something that only the Husband could possibly have enjoyed:

more than qualifies

Did some things both the Husband and Wife thoroughly liked:

To wit, dinner at Jamie Oliver's Italian restaurant. . .

note: compromise doesn't include the wife sharing the Jamie Oliver dessert with you

. . . then the award winning and critically acclaimed play Clybourne Park, a squirm-in-your-seat comedy of the highest "Oh no, s/he did NOT just say THAT!" order. (particularly watch out for the devastating "How is a [certain demographic] like a [certain hygiene product]" line.

for added fun, look around you as that line is delivered and observe which groups seem deeply offended and which groups appear to be wetting their pants in laughter.

And lastly, tried something that in a MILLION years only the Wife would have thought of:

how can something so wrong feel so.....WRONG

As if to affirm the trials the LLDD-Hyphen-L went through, the BBC soon reported that playing footsie with Nemo might not be the best thing out there. Did I mention the place offers similar therapies for the whole body? Um, yeah, they do.

Needless to state, for next year's anniversary weekend, we won't be ordering the fish at Jamie's.

WHERE'S COTSWOLD?

2011-02-03T01:36:00.012+08:00

We got a chance last weekend to take a day trip outside London to the Cotswolds, an area so quintessentially English, you get an accent just by passing through it. Heck, most of the town and village names either sound like they're straight out of Middle Earth or else follow that unique "Name-Preposition-Geographic Feature" style that so stiff upper lipped-cool: Bourton-on-the-Water, Moreton-in-Marsh, Wotton-under-Edge, Stow-on-the-Wold, Shipton-under-Wychwood, Scotch-on-the-Rocks, Home-on-the-Range, Lovers-in-Paris, LLDD-Hyphen-L...

OK, I made some of those up.

Anyway, here's a sampling. The full gallery can be seen at free-account-upon-the-flickr

Bibury

The sign on the left reads "Historic Church & Toilets". Umm, I'm up for visiting a historic church, but that other one...

Bourton-on-the-Water

I'm happy for Janine and Sandra.

Stow-on-the-Wold

The local council did not take kindly to all my preposition-hyphen town name jokes

Broadway

Cotswolds, you're beautiful, but your tourism authority really needs to rethink its souvenirs.

AWESOME, STUDES!

2011-02-01T22:16:00.008+08:00

For the past five years or so, the Embassy has been hosting a Christmas/New Year's party for Filipino students, yuppies and second generation Fil-Brits in the UK. It's a happy gathering, made depressing only by the fact you often find yourself to be the oldest/least attractive one in the room. Still, you can't help but be impressed by the staggering talent and educational accomplishment assembled. It was freezing outside, but there were a thousand degrees inside the embassy!

No, your eyes do not deceive you -- that is the King Azkal himself, Neil Etheridge, making an appearance at the end of the video. He was a really nice guy who made time for the party despite, he said, having to fly out of the UK shortly to play a national team match in Bacolod.

To which the LLDD-Hyphen-L replied, "Uuwi ka pa lang Pilipinas, Neil? Pwedeng may pasalubong?"

And with all the PhDs and sopranos and stud athletes present, it was only proper that the Embassy gave me a role at the party truly befitting my own professional, artistic and physical capacity.

mike stand!

150 YEARS...AND HE'S AGED BETTER THAN WE HAVE

2011-01-29T02:43:00.009+08:00

Yep yep, that time of the year again when our batch tries to put together pictures of ourselves. We've long given up getting all posts to take part every year (or even taking part ever; we're looking at YOU, Los Angeles PCG!), so we decided that we would try to make this year's occasion more meaningful instead. Thus, this being Rizal's 150th year, all shots were taken with each mission's resident image of the good doctor. Good dorky, patriotic fun.

150 years from now, Los Angeles will finally join in.

London

If this batch member was cast as a Noli character, he/she would be: The obvious choice would be the smart, handsome and brave Crisostomo Ibarra, but let's go instead with Pilosopong Tasio if only because of this particularly-awesome-at-the-end entry found on ask.com

"Pilosopo Tasio or also known as Don Anastasio, portrayed in the novel as the pessimistic and the cynical. Pilosopo Tasyo was based off Anatasio Carpio who inherited titled lands around the small town of Camiling within Tarlac. Educated in Spanish Law, and born under the Catholic banner, Don Anatasio was a person constantly in struggle between his education and religion. In real life, Don Anatasio continued to practice Spanish Law by day, and an active subversive for the revolution at night. He was also a member of a secret masonic fraternity which provided overseas funding and support to the movement. A well respected figure and legend (akin to Yoda in Star Wars) within the Ilocano community."

San Francisco

If these batch members were cast as Noli characters, he/she would be: For no particular reason, Don Tiburcio and Dona Victorina just feel right.

Hong Kong

If this batch member was cast as a Noli character, he/she would be: For the life of me, I still can't tell if that image of Rizal is a standing tarpaulin poster that's actually there, or if it was just photoshopped into the picture. Either way, well done! Let's just write this off as a Rizal in exile period.

Madrid

If these batch members were cast as Noli characters, he/she would be: Basilio and Crispin (What, it's been a 150 years. Times have changed!)

Singapore

If this batch member was cast as a Noli character, he/she would be: Sisa.

Home Office

If this batch member was cast as a Noli character, he/she would be: Holy Noli! It's Maria Clara with....Rizal!!!!

(well, the Rizal-lookalike DFA Officer known as "Sexy Teng" anyway; he may be 150 years old too =)

SINULOG-UPON-ST. GEORGE'S

2011-01-19T02:09:00.004+08:00

The Principal Celebrant at the event said it best -- when you're a traveller, the two most profound things you can bring with you are: (1) your faith; and (2) your culture.

(On behalf of the consulate, I would like to humbly add: (3) your passport. Please don't forget your passports, travellers.)

And so it came to pass that no less than six different Filipino communities in London came together and brought their faith and culture (and passports!) to the UK and successfully staged the first ever Celebration of the Feast of the Sto. Nino in historic St. George's Cathedral. As I had never been to the Sinulog, I thought it would be great if I could attend and bring my own image of a little boy.

The one on the left

The proceedings did not disappoint. The UK version of Sinulog apparently came about when the Principal Celebrant visited the Philippines two years ago and then came back to the UK and challenged the local FilComs to express their faith and culture in Britain as joyously as they did back home. Well then. A challenge to Pinoys to show devotion, dance and lay down some wicked beats? Heaven, yeah!

Challenge, you got Sinulog served. Viva!

IF THIS ISN'T PART OF THE LONDON GAMES IN 2012, THE OLYMPICS HAS TO TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK AT ITSELF

2011-01-14T19:24:00.010+08:00

Everyday, we go through piles and piles of mail here at the office. Opening them is a time consuming process, and often what's written inside means more work for everyone. Some of the letters are very important, some are informational, some are outright junk.

And some, quite simply, make your entire day.

So many thoughts raised, I'm actually giddy. Having taken part in my share of college org sportsfest / office team building / village family day egg-related events, I've endlessly pondered: should you throw overhand for distance and accuracy, or do you go underhand for softer arc and less velocity? Should you catch with two hands for greater surface landing area (but increased likelihood of impact breakage), or do you attempt a one-handed snatch (and risk letting your chance run through your fingers, literally)? Finally, a place with goddamm answers!

And, yes, Russian Egg Roulette is as awesome as it sounds:

"Individual challenge against an opponent on a knock out basis.
Players sit opposite each other, across a table.
Each player wears a provided head bandana for protection. Inappropriate bandanas may not be worn.
The toss winner decides whether to go first or second.
A tray containing 6 specially selected eggs will be proffered. 5 hard-boiled, 1 raw.
Each player takes it in turn to select one and then smash the egg onto his or her own fore head until one-player finds the raw one."

(Although I would have allowed "inappropriate bandanas". You bad-ass enough to join egg Russian roulette, you bad-ass enough to rock any damn bandana you please)

It is now my official mission to find Pinoys in the UK who can join this thing and do us proud. Just like the Fil-Brit Azkals.

Egg, yeah.

MULA A PARIS, HANG GARE DU NORD...

2011-01-12T02:02:00.030+08:00

Bon jour et bonne annee, Paris! Je suis Lame Avocat / Diplomat Dorque. Enchante. Ca va. You betcha.

Oui, the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I were able to visit the City of Lights to open the new year, and it was incroyable. Paris instantly and effortlessly won us over, one of the few cities that exceeded the hype. We didn't venture far from the touristy path since this was just our first time here, and because I never got past module onze at Alliance Francaise (still, better than most of those yuppies/hipsters/artsy fartsies who quit after two classes when they realize learning French is, you know, hard). Anyway, the city was beautiful enough to speak for itself in pictures, so voila.

(that's French for "for first timers pretty much have to do the following things listed below")

GET DRAWN INTO THE EIFFEL TOWER'S TRACTOR BEAM

There's just no escaping its attraction from anywhere, kinda like the Death Star. The tower zoomed to the top of my all-time favorite landmarks list because not only is it impossible to not take a beautiful picture of it, it's impossible to not take a beautiful picture from it (unlike the Statue of Liberty or the Washington Monument). Plus it sparkles and has a cinema, restaurant and skating rink inside. Again, just like the Death Star.

C'est la vie? When you're up the Eiffel Tower, and you're of my generation, there's really only one thing you have to do, isn't there? That's right, you channel Duran Duran. (God, I thought Roger Taylor's chair was so cool back then)

GO UP THE ARC

The Arc de Triomphe is aussi one of those landmarks that's gorgeous to look at and awesome to view from (my English teacher Mom will have a fit deconstructing that last sentence. eh.) Fun fact I learned: back in the day, stunt pilots use to freakin' fly biplanes through the arc! Again, the parallels with X-wing fighters flying through the Death Star trench are just partout.

C'est la vie? Before ascending the arc, however, I would strongly advise you to check if there is a working elevator. I didn't, and heard about it from the LLDD-Hyphen-L every trois cent plus step of the way.

YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE CHAMPS

Shops, cafes, lights -- strolling along the Champs Elysees is the quintessential Paris tourist experience, je suppose. And locals will immediately know you're a tourist if, like us, you make the mistake of starting off from the bottom of the boulevard and walk the whole damn thing uphill. Desole about that, LLDD-Hyphen-L. Mon bad.

C'est la vie? If there's one place you can show off to other tourists who ask you to take their "picture picture" that you know how to count "Une, Deux, Trois" before clicking, this would be it.

CHEER CHEER FOR OLD NOTRE DAME

The LLDD-Hyphen-L and I were fortunate enough to hear mass at Notre Dame cathedral. A dramatic a place as any - especially when the bells or the organ are playing - you can't help but gaze up and hum "The Phaaaaaaaantom of the Operaaaaaa is heeeeerrrreee...."

(I've melange'd my literary references again, haven't I?)

C'est la vie? Dudes, if you ever want to earn massive pogi-points with you're waswit, don't forget to bring a padlock to Notre Dame! Trust me on this! Apparently lovers in Paris often latch a lock onto a bridge and throw the key into the Seine as a sign of undying love, and the bridge right behind the cathedral appears to be ground zero for the practice. Je n'ai jamais entendu about these "love padlocks" before and, well, I'm currently down dix mille pogi-points in the LLDD-Hyphen-L's estimation.

FALL IN LOUVRE

Because of long lines and a shortage of time, the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I only got to the outside of the museum. Still, it's a great spot for "picture picture" and arguing whether you "get" that pyramid in the middle.

C'est la vie? What the...? The resting place of the sacred feminine is a mall?!? Then why didn't any of the salons there do anything about Tom Hanks' mullet-perm!?!

CLIMB EVERY MONTMATRE

Montmatre is home to Sacre Coeur basilica and a quaint village-type neighbourhood that had lots of nice artists' shops and French restaurants (where enfin I got to use up my supply of "...or as they call it here, food / fries / toast / onion soup" jokes)

C'est la vie? Montmatre is on top a hill and has I would say a 170-degree panoramic view of Paris. The missing 10 degrees? The view of the Eiffel Tower. Oh well, at least the burlesque places like the Moulin Rouge were right at the bottom of the hill (um, not that I noticed LLDD-Hyphen-L. I was looking for padlocks, I swear!)

GO ON A TOUR BUS, TAKE PICTURES OF THE CITY AT FUNKY ANGLES, CALL YOURSELF AN ARTISTE

Oh non you didn't...Oh oui I did just get pretentious with my photography!

C'est la vi...oh what the heck, let's run wild with the drama and take everything in noir et le blanc

You're damn right I just went all moody and introspective on your derrieres! Frequent Eat Bulaga guest Leah Navarro, play us out!

Je t'aime, te amo, I love you

Watashi wa anata o aistomasu

Ich liebe dich, iniibig kita

a Paris....

THE TWELVE DAYS OF DFA POSTS AND OFFICES CHRISTMAS GREETINGS

2010-12-15T01:51:00.012+08:00

I had so much with this last year, I thought I'd do it again. Everybody now, and a one and a two and a . . .

On the First Day of Christmas, Vancouver PCG gave to me,

A Prom King and a Prom Queen . . .

On the Second Day of Christmas, Pampanga RCO gave to me,

Two Versions of the Same Card . . .

On the Third Day of Christmas, Madrid PE gave to me,

Three "What the..." Glee-like Poses . . .

On the Fourth Day of Christmas, Lucena RCO gave to me,

(Region) IV na landscape . . .

On the Fifth Day of Christmas, New York PCG gave to me,

The Fiiiiiiiiiiffffftthhhhh Avenue (Parol Project, that is) . . .

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, Moscow PE gave to me,

Six Babushka Dolls . . .

On the Seventh Day of Christmas. Lisbon PE gave to me,

Seven on a (reaaaalllly long) Staircase

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, the Coord Center gave to me,

Eight Signatures fo' cash, 'yo . . .

On the Ninth Day of Christmas, Helsinki PE gave to me,

Nine Pinoy Popsicles . . .

On the Tenth Day of Christmas, Public Info Services gave to me,

Ten Op-ed Writers . . .

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, Oslo PE gave to me,

Eleven Giant Winter Athletes (who are going to trample everyone underneath them! Run, people, RUN!) . . .

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, Yangon PE gave to me,

(Um. Wow. Just...wow) . . .

. . . and,

Eleven Giant Winter Athletes (who are going to trample everyone beneath them! Run, people, RUN!)

Ten Op-ed Writers

Nine Pinoy Popsicles

Eight Signatures fo' cash, 'yo

Seven on a (reaaaalllly long) Staircase

Six Babushka Dolls

The Fiiiiiiiiiiffffftthhhhh Avenue (Parol Project, that is)

(Region) IV na landscape

Three "What the.." Glee-like poses

Two Versions of the Same Card

A Prom Kiiiiiiiing and a Prom Queeeeeeeeeeeen!!!!

Good show, good show! But where's London PE in all this? Well, stiff British upper lip and all that. We don't just irreverently join in any reindeer games. We're all about dignity and poise . . .

. . . and putting our faces faces on Christmas balls. Classy!

Maligayang Pasko at Maligo sa Bagong Taon!!!

THAT'S JUST HOW WE BOWL

2010-12-14T02:01:00.007+08:00

Another weekend, another request to deliver "inspirational remarks." This time, we're at the Christmas party of a large FilCom Bowling association. I believe my speech went well enough, but I suppose that was all but guaranteed by the formidable number of bowling-related puns in my arsenal. The best one: lovingly referring to a pregnant lady as carrying "her own little bowling ball." The worst: making any "7-10" split metaphor. Just don't go there.

But what's this? People were not in fact rapturously applauding my speech, but rather the party's entertainment numbers? Who were these performers who had everyone (ahem) bowled over?

A musician who massaged the hell out of his guitar....

....and a re-telling of the club's history -- in old-school lakandiwang dula format.

I see. Those were freaking awesome, actually. Compared to the bowling club's entertainers, I wasn't such an "inspiration" after all. If anything, I caused everyone some des-(ahemmmmm ahemmmmm cough cough cough a-HEMMMMMMMM!)-spare.

THAT'S JUST HOW WE PAROL

2010-12-08T23:56:00.011+08:00

The good people at Philippine Generations -- the big Fil-Brit youth organization I'm designated by the Embassy as liaison because, you know, I'm sooo youth -- came up with another fantastic event: a parol making workshop to usher in the Christmas season! In my welcome remarks, I mentioned how activities like these were great because they could make you feel like a carefree kid again.

HA! If only everyone knew of the painful childhood memories I had of crying during grade school WorkEd classes because I was one of those kids who was never good with his hands and couldn't make that goddam macramé spice rack to save his life. KAYA NGA NAGING ABOGADO EH!!!

Kidding aside, all that ~~angst is still buried deep inside and will manifest later on~~ is long gone and forgotten, and the workshop was genuine fun. Still, motor skills do not magically appear overnight (despite my letters to Santa), so my own parol's progression was slow, to say the least. The hardest part by far was getting the bamboo joints to stay in place. I was told by the traditionalist instructors present to never use any form of adhesive, and that everything could properly be held together by string, knots and good ol' concentration. With that sage advice, I was indeed able to complete the frame -- by using masking tape and begging one youth's mom to finish it for me.

And even with all that help, my parol still wasn't finished by the time the (five-hour) workshop ended, and was looking, ahem, a little asymmetrical. I just told everyone I was really going for the minimalist/abstract/impressionist/ironic look. (I was. I WAS!) Anyway, all the kids at the workshop were handed the same type of kit as I was, and we were all under the same time constraints, so it's not like anyone could come up with anything that beautiful or artistic...could they?

(....must...suppress...childhood...angst...memories...must)

THAT'S JUST HOW I ROLL

2010-12-07T01:03:00.007+08:00

So I finally got the nerve to buy a used car and try driving around London. I thought a year of using pedestrian crossings painted with "Look Left (you idiot)" and "Look Right (you moron)" was enough training and conditioning for me to handle the whole driving-on-the-other-side-of-the-street thing. And you know what? It was. Right-hand steering is not as hard to get used to as I thought (although when getting in I sometimes still walk up to the passenger's side of the car; I just tell the LLDD-Hyphen-L I'm being a gentleman opening her door; she has yet to buy it).

You know what is fracking hard? Goddam roundabouts!! And goddam right turns!! I swear on Clark Griswold, I've gone miles out of my way because I can't properly time my lane crossovers without the help of stoplights. (made harder by the tears in my eyes from all the stressed-out crying)

Baby steps, baby steps. I am getting some experience under my belt making short trips around the neighborhood, going to grocery stores, and even travelling to the Embassy in central London on occasion. I even mustered enough courage to plan a trip with the LLDD-Hyphen-L to the beautiful English ~~outlet stores~~ countryside last weekend. When I woke up that morning, I went to the mirror, slapped myself in the face a few times, yelled "It's go time, fool!!", dressed with the same sense of purpose as a Rambo-gearing-up scene, stomped downstairs, kicked open the front door, and faced. . .

awwww...nag i-snow. That means the roads are all slippery, right? There's no sense in driving now...or until the end of winter next year, is there? No roundabout no cry, momma used to always say.

THAT'S JUST HOW WE ROLL

2010-11-20T01:53:00.011+08:00

[ed. note: For reasons that will be clear in a couple of months, I'm too busy/tired/lazy to do much on this site. So I'm now shifting to a shorter-more frequent-less coherent posting style. Because that's how I roll]

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"Friends", I got your back! You and the Trade Office came into London this month and big-upped the Philippines (excuse me, PHL) at the great Philippine Tourism Investment Forum and at the World Travel Mart, and both events were huge successes -- not the least because of the sweeeeet ride you arranged for delegates to be rollin' all 'round London in

Vintage Routemaster buses tricked-out with big-ass "Philippines" on the side? Hells yeah.

BPOnd. JAMES BPOnd

2010-10-22T23:45:00.015+08:00

Yo, yo, yo! Check it out, me and my peeps be totally invited to the fo-shizzle, the Source Awards! Yeah, boi....

(hmm? what's that?)

(check my invitation again?)

(oh I see...)

Ok...ahem...correction then. It appears we weren't invited to the Source Awards. It seems the Embassy was actually invited by our Trade Office to attend the best industry practices awards for, um, outsourcing.

Juust a bit less gangsta than the Source Awards

Still, this is an important event for the Philippines. The BPO sector brings in over 13 billion dollars a year and close to a million jobs to the country. So yeah, we're kind of a heavy-hitter. And hell yeah we'll represent at the industry's awards night.

Sparkling dinner conversation courtesy of a support center in Eastwood

But first things first -- the invitation said the event was black tie. Oh no. Usually, when a diplomatic event is formal, I can get away with wearing a barong. In this case, however, the dinner was being staged by a private/business group, so I would still have to explain the acceptability of national dress to an uninitiated bouncer. More importantly...it's freaking eight degrees in London!!

So there was really no choice: for the first time in my life, I would have to rock a tuxedo.

I knew nothing of tuxes, so I was worried and apprehensive at first. But this quickly gave way to an excitement arising out of the endless Kuya Germs stylin' possibilities. This, for instance, was the actual giddy text exchange between me and the Trade Office as we went to rent tuxedoes:

Trade Office: "Pagandahan tyo may boa feathers ka ba? Kami meron. With rhinestones pa."

Me: "Akin rubberized at leopard print. May bow tie, pero di ako magdre-dress shirt sa ilalim. Saka tear-away"

I may or may not have drawn inspiration from The Inbetweeners

In the end though, we all chickened out and rented the most basic tuxes available ("basic" still setting us back 51 pounds each!). We then proceeded to assemble our ensembles, starting with the signature of black tie, the...um..black tie.

In our book, "classy" is not mutually exclusive with "clip-on"

The cummerbund had a whole other set of styling issues. One, I found it hard to say cummerbund without giggling irrationally. Two, laid down, a (clip-on) cummerbund looked like a cross between a fanny pack and a weightlifter's support belt.

And I only wear fanny packs for my "smart casual" occasions

Three, the cummerbund didn't really keep in stomach flab so much as redeployed it (indeed, if you bent over forwards, the top of the cummerbund flapped down and your bilbils squished out over the top). Last, I'm sorry, but the high-and-tight waist illusion made me feel icky -- like I belonged with Prince and the Revolution.

When dorks cry

Yet all of the above issues were totally forgotten as soon as I slipped on the striped pants and velvet-lapelled jacket. From then on, dammit, I felt like freakin' Double-O Seven!!

Oh, James....

Nothing left then but to shake and stir the outsourcing awards. The event followed the usual program: cocktails, dinner, dessert. The surprise came when the evening's entertainment turned out a be Jack Whitehall, a pretty well known stand-up comedian who regularly appears on British television talk shows.

It's nice to know it isn't just the Pokwangs and Allan Ks of the world who have to go on the office dinner party circuit to earn a living

Whitehall was very funny, if a bit risqué. Most of his jokes weren't fit for publication in classy blogs like this one (I'm wearing a tuxedo as I type this, so it counts as classy). He also kept things moving speedily along, and before we knew it, the Philippines' category - Best Outsourcing Destination of the Year - was up. Some important things you should know about the category: 1) the Philippines won the award last year, and twice over the last three years, so there was risk of voter-fatigue; 2) we were up against other heavy-hitters like Egypt, Ukraine and Sri Lanka; and 3) we heard that Egypt campaigned hard, and one of its companies even sponsored one of the categories. Still, we had to keep the faith and believe that we would take home the award.

If Egypt won, I was very much prepared to yell "Denial is not just a river in your country!"

As the nominees were read and images flashed on the big screens, a great sense of nervous anticipation swept our table. I personally was worried not just whether we would win or not, but whether I could pull off the contrived "I'm-intellectually-interested-in-this-award-but-am-detached-enough-that-I-don't-look-stupid-if-I-lose" close-up of nominees.

After a few more unprintable off-color jokes by Whitehall, the envelope was opened. And the winner is. . . .

Yeah, boiiiiiiiii!!!!!

That's right! The Philippines won again! Third time in four years! Euphoria in the UK! Palakpakan sa 'Pinas! Rapture in RCBC Tower! Oh, how I wished they played the intro to Black Eyed Peas' "Bebot" when the Trade Office went up to accept the award!

A most memorable night indeed. Kudos to our Trade Office for a job well done. All their hard work and tuxedo rentals paid off. The task now is to build on the momentum, attract more investments, and - of course - make sure the Philippines wins again next year!. But all that can wait 'til tomorrow. Tonight, celebrations! Tonight, as with all awards nights, an afterparty!! Tonight, the coolest and most beautiful people get to par-tay!

Tonight, my invitation is outsourced to someone cooler and I eat cold soup at home.

SONGS OF FAITH AND DEVOTION...

2010-09-21T21:40:00.020+08:00

...is not just the theme for this week's post, it's the title of an obscure Depeche Mode album I often invoke to establish my new wave bona fides. Win-win!

And speaking of waves...

Fluvial Pursuit

Last week, the good people of the UK Bicol Association staged their version of the famous Our Lady of Penafrancia fluvial procession. I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience on many levels. First and foremost, of course, was the profound meaning of the activity and its deep connection to our homeland. Second, there was something serenely surreal about singing beautiful Philippine hymns as River Thames landmarks passed you by.

Third, I like saying "fluvial". Fourth, the very definition of "fluvial" (geologic processes associated with rivers and streams and the deposits and landforms created by them) naturally gives rise to my favorite only-lawyers-will-get-it joke of all time: A man lawyer and a woman lawyer are walking along the banks of a river; the man turns to the woman and whispers, "alluvion." (non-lawyer diplomats, look it up! That's legal comedy gold right there!)

Fifth - to my total surprise - once all the ceremonies were completed, the pious boat suddenly turned into... a Party Boat!! Complete with dance floor blooper at the end!

In case you're wondering if such a shift from sermon to salsa was OK, let me assure you it was the presiding priest who was rocking the ray-bans and busting the moves =)

Pope! The Visit

As you no doubt heard, the Pope was recently in the UK. Now, I leave it to the pros to better elaborate on the significance of the visit; I can only contribute some photos of the vigil at Hyde Park -- an event with such a concert-like atmosphere and spiritually raucousness it was described as "Glastonbury with God."

(I know, I know. I know I said after the Rutland Bird fair I wouldn't ever call anything the "Glasto of ____" again. This was the last time. I swear.)

A truly memorable and touching experience. The only thing really missing was a happy and catchy greeting everyone could use. I distinctly remember during the previous Pope's visits to the Philippines, we all serenaded him with "Totus Tuus" or chanted "Lo-lek! Lo-Lek!" or joked "Welcome Pope John Paul and Ringo!". In the UK there was...nothing. Some tried "Be-ne-dic-to!", but it didn't really resonate. Oh, if only someone in Hyde Park was creative and smart enough to appropriately capture. . .

. . .ah, there we go. "England 4, Benedict 16". And the banner was led all around the park by a Philippine flag and held up by some Fil-Brit youths. Perfect.

It takes a Pinoy, I guess =)

Amen.

JANE, BATH AND BEYOND

2010-09-07T23:45:00.024+08:00

The LLDD-Hyphen-L has two former officemates who became ninangs at our wedding: Ms. Tina, who the LLDD-Hyphen-L affectionately calls "Mommy Teens"; and Ms. Fely, who the LLDD-Hyphen-L affectionately calls "Mama Fe", and I affectionately call "Mamafe Mamasa Mamakusa".

Anyway, it was "Mommy Teens" who was in London recently, and the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I took the opportunity to bring her to some places in the UK that we've heard much about but never actually been to. More particularly, we decided to take a day trip to beautiful Bath, setting of some of the most famous romantic literature in history.

Bath, of course, is also home to other romantic literature greats, namely Jane Austen and her classic novels. Now, as a dude, I confess to not knowing much about Ms. Jane or her work, but the LLDD-Hyphen-L is a big fan, and she (and our tour bus guide) assure me that we should get excited over the following places pictured:

(appeal to readers: what exactly am I looking at here?)

Fortunately, Bath is such a lovely place that you don't have to be a Jane fangirl to appreciate it's charms.

At the center of town is a private garden/park that's so beautiful and picturesque the newlywed couple above made it their wedding shoot location. Ang mali lang nila, ginawa nila harap-harapan sa amin ni LLDD-Hyphen-L, so of course we matched them cheese-for-cheese with our own pre-nup photo shoot re-enactment.

Bath is also known for its, well, baths. Particularly famous is the town's ancient Roman spa complex which features thousand year-old hot springs and pools...

...amazing relics and artifacts...

...models and dioramas depicting typical Roman life (complete with blush-inducing nude miniatures [bottom] that beg a slew of "aw, look at his little __" jokes)...

...and, of course, questionable gift shop merchandise tie-ins.

But it's all good, because the Roman baths gave off such a pampered, luxurious and indulgent vibe that all lady visitors couldn't help but feel (and pose) like they were Roman goddesses themselves.

And as we head towards the last stages of our tour, we encounter an ancient wishing well where the LLDD-Hyphen-L drops a coin to wish for an early return to and a longer stay at beautiful, historic and romantic Bath.

And then this suddenly appears on the well's walls, and I begin to wonder if the LLDD-Hyphen-L's wish actually involved some sort of Jane Austen/Gladiator spa fantasy

IT'S THURSDAY, I MUST BE IN...RUTLAND

2010-08-27T01:17:00.023+08:00

Biiiiiiiirrrdfaiiiiiiiiiiirrr!!!!!!!

Yes! I finally get a chance to reference my panyero Harvey Birdman in the blog, as some members of "Friends Philippines", the LLDD-Hyphen-L and moi recently joined the world's largest birdwatching fair in beautiful, beautiful Rutland. Our participation at the fair was important because -- unlike diving where the Philippines is already a...ahem...big fish -- birdwatching in the country is just starting to...er...take flight.

There was tenuous word/bird play all over the place, so don't judge me

IN A RUTLAND

Rutland is about two hours drive north of London and the fair was held in the Rutland Water Nature Preserve, home to over 20,000 waterfowl. Rutland was also the setting of the "Rutland Weekend Television" comedy-sketch show of Monty Python's Eric Idle, so you know we're on sacred ground here.

PUGAD PINOY

Our group was lucky to book a cute small cottage to serve as our jump-off nest for the duration of the fair. The cottage's neighborhood was charming and picturesque, albeit remote, devoid of wifi/cellphones and a muddy walk away from the fairgrounds. But, hey, if you want to go to the "Glastonbury of Birdfairs", you suck it up and do what you gotta do.

(oh who am I kidding - the place was perfect. And paki-batukan ako if I ever talk of Glasto or its festivalistas again)

SPECIES OF EXHIBITORS

Among those sighted:

Literati Autographis

Who knew that authors of birdwatching books were so revered and popular they could hold hours-long book signings and required extra personnel to control their groupies!

"flockies"?

Artistes Ironix

This specie was surprisingly shy, prohibiting any photos inside its tent. Rest assured, some of the works on display were as kick-awesome as "Three Wolf Moon"

Charitix Collectica

The fair had a substantial gathering of conservation, animal rights, environment, education and other advocacy groups looking to raise awareness and funds. Name any charity, and you'd find them at the fair.

When I say any charity, I mean any charity

Optica Zoom Maximus (100x)

You know how with the recent onset of affordable SLR's, everyone has one and thinks that makes them a stud photographer? Ha! They'd shrivel in their flickr accounts if they saw the size and cost of the bad-ass lenses the real professionals were pimping.

Ever the eagle-eye, the LLDD-Hyphen-L walked right past the plus-sized lenses (or as she called them, the "Overcompensators") and headed straight for the ones made by Swarovski

Countrix Exhibitaurus

The bulk of the fair was made up of destination exhibits - countries or regions that were promoting themselves as ultimate birdwatching paradises. Some things you'd notice though about the country booths: 1) strangely, several big countries had little or zero presence at the birdfair; in fact, there was no correlation between a country's size and the size/slickness of it's exhibit (on the contrary, there were several we-know-to-be-rich countries whose booths were tucked-away in some remote corner of the fair, took up the space of an office cubicle, and had displays that just consisted of bird pictures printed by some dude from his PC); 3) two words: Endemic envy.

For all the fierce competition for birdwatchers' attention, the Philippine booth still found a way to...ahem...soar. First and foremost, we had over 600 species and over 200 endemics to promote - faaaaaar more than most other countries. I know this from my extensive review of the subject prior to the Birdfair.

And from constantly looking behind me and reading the text of our big-ass display.

The Philippine booth also had several nice touches that added to its popularity. It was, for instance, bright, centrally-located, and had a wide open space in front that made it easy to see and irresistible to photograph.

uuuuuy, si LLDD-Hyphen-L, kunyari di napapansin yung camera

We also had tons of cool material to hand out -- we gave everything from Philippine birdwatching guides to notebooks to postcard bundles to colored maps to CDs to glossy tour brochures.

endemically hot LLDD-Hyphen-L not included

Then we had a gorgeous looking video on Philippine birdwatching that we ran continuously on a laptop in front of the booth (surprisingly, very few other exhibitors had any video displays). Thing was, the DVD that we had for some reason had no "repeat/loop" feature -- so when I said we played it continuously, I meant I had to run back to the laptop every 3:58 and click "play"

Exactly like having to press the button on "Lost"!

But the unexpected promotional stars of the show were the Philippine straw hats. They were nice and pretty of course, but they were also quite simple, just casually strewn across the booth as accents, and bore the ribbon "Dive Philippines." At a birdwatching fair.

If anyone asked, we just replied "um, biodiversity?"

Environmental genre mix-up aside, the hats were a huge hit. It didn't take long before you could see hats with the Philippines' name everywhere around the fair: in the roving food cart, on the road leading back to town, even inside other country booths -- worn by the other country exhibitors! Advantage: us.

The funny thing was, we weren't even handing the hats away; people were coming into the booth and asking for them. This led to some great hat request lines from small kids (in sweetest voice: "Please sir, can I have one for my little sister? Pleeeeaaaase."); ladies (in most determined voice: "I saw other ladies around the fair wearing these hats. I MUST HAVE ONE!"); and my personal favorite, husbands (in most stressed voice: "My wife sent me. What do I need to do to get a hat?")

You might say, the hats capped the Philippines' success at the Birdfair. (Yes, admit it, you would say that). Indeed, if the measure of a birdwatching booth is not just the quality of its product but also the awesomeness of its headgear, then the Philippines was Rutland's most memorable and came away from the Birdfair totally unmatche -

Oh, well played sirs. Well played.

TALES OF THE RECENTLY DEPARTED: SHOWBIZ / WAITING AREAS / VISAS / EARLY HALLOWEEN EDITION

2010-08-12T23:46:00.007+08:00

My batch really should write a book about our individual misadventures as FSOs. There's just too much hilarious/weird/hilariously weird stuff going on at our respective posts that not passing it on to future generations would be a shame, nay, a travesty. We just need to decide on an appropriate title, something self-promoting like "Bantay ng mga Bagong Bayani", or defiant like "Pasaway 'Til I Die: The Batch XIII Story", or existential/practical like "Kailangan Talaga ng Personal Appearance."

oh, if only all the awesome FSO book titles hadn't been already taken

Anyway, here's a taste of things they most certainly did not teach us during cadetship:

CHAPTER I: BARRIO FIESTARRRS

Mentally calculating the age difference -- good Lord woman, you've been fawning over him since he was that hyperactive little kid on "That's Entertainment"!!

"We don't have any celebrities for the day itself, but the FilCom held their celebration on June 6 and 7 and Marvin Agustin (I keep on calling him Marvin Bautista), Mark Bautista, Jennylyn Mercado, Tuesday Vargas, and Edu Manzano were there. The Philippine Country Fair will have some comedians...Gretchen Barretto, Richard Poon, and Billy Crawford, for whom I have a crush that borders on DOM-ly (Dirty Old Matrona). I've already volunteered myself to be his liaison officer (nobody was paying attention to him because all the other matronas were fawning over Edu) but, alas, I have other duties so I won't be able to fulfill them."

Understood, but did you consider doing the Robot?

"We've got a 15-minute TV show that will feature RP with me included in the fashion show. I looked liked a robot during the shoot. Anyway, I convinced the director to edit me out of the final copy of the show. Kukuha ako ng copy ng video. Ipapalabas nila sa TV sa 15 June. I'm sure edited out na ako dun."

CHAPTER II: CONSULARRRRGGGHHH

And coming 'round the final turn it's Window 2 by a length, followed by Complete Application Forms, and then Royal Blue Background. Into the homestretch here comes Pay the Cashier....

"Some smart people at the consular section came up with the idea of using microphone and speakers to queue applicants.. .i didnt notice if that helped the system or made our service more efficient...but the sure thing is that it made our mornings feel like were back home watching a race at San Lazaro..."

Hoo boy. He's really gonna get upset now that it's off the air

"We installed a 32 inch flat screen television in one corner of the consular waiting area last week (and promptly got told off for not having TFC by an irate client who, I suppose, can't live without his Wowowee)"

CHAPTER III: VISAAAAAAHHH

At some point, a Jedi mind trick was used here. Well done.

"Visa applicant calling on the phone: I want a visa, i sent you my passport and fifty dollars! (actual answer: sir you should not have done that, we cannot process your visa unless you personally apply for it in the embassy and it will be decided upon after 5 working days) Reply: no, i cannot do that i'm very busy. (answer: then you'll have to send somebody to get your passport and fifty dollars) Reply: why before I can apply only like this? (answer: it never happened) Reply: the consul told me I can do this (answer: I am the consul and I never said that nor will I). Reply: I will have you fired I am an important man in my government. (answer: i don't care). Reply: ok i will come to the Embassy tomorrow."

Speaking of powerful forces, was there any problem in the history of Philippine offices that wasn't fixed by a "Tito Boy" or an "Ate Fely"? I say no.

"i can relate sa visa incident. meron pa ngang sasabihan ka ng "i will call the police!" my visa officer replied, " and i will call mang danny and kuya joe".

CHAPTER IV: EMBASSEEEEEEEEEE!!!

When I asked the posted batchmates for their Tales of the Recently Departed, I didn't mean the actual departed departed

"Kami dito sa Consular Section we have resident ghosts...Nung Wednesday, nakita namin yung consular table (8 seater) na maraming set of footprints of different sizes, tapos nakataob daw yung sign pen holder sa may counter...May isang set of kiddie footprints, may adult footprints din. What is strange is that the night before, our house keeper polishes the table, and it's not possible that overnight, there will be people walking on top of the consular table because the consular area is secured (and why would anyone want to step on the table?) Our security attache says na nagsasayaw daw yung mga resident ghosts, kasi when he comes in the morning at 06h30, he hears thumping of feet at the consular area, but there's nobody around. The footprint incident has happened so many times before, it was only on Wednesday that I was able to see the actual sets of footprints..."

Dancing ghosts? Let the record show that I am against any "Pure Energy" music that could encourage them to form "Thriller" lines

"I had heard my colleagues' stories about spirits in the chancery. I have never really believed in ghosts and if ever they did exist, I don't think I'd be the type they'd show themselves to. But just to feel more secure I was playing Gary V.'s Revive album while I was waiting to leave so Casper would be pacified by the music."

In progress, Chapter V: The Vin d' Noooooooooo!!!

I ESKRIMA, YOU ESKRIMA, WE ALL ESKRIMA FOR ESKRIMA

2010-08-02T19:50:00.011+08:00

There are no coincidences. As much was said in both "Star Wars" and "Kung Fu Panda" (two of my go-to philosophical references). It was no accident then that the same week I came home from work and discovered the LLDD-Hyphen-L had redeemed her cellphone service's rewards points to get me a freaking lightsaber...

...at the same time expressing concern over my safety playing with it...

...was the very same week the Embassy inaugurated a gym in London that taught Eskrima!

Hell, yeah!! Make no mistake, Eskrima is fraking metal. To death. As much was said by two of my other authorities on philosophy, Cracked and...um...Ashton Kutcher during the London premiere of the ~~chick-flick/rom-com~~ totally an action movie "Killers". The new London gym was opened by a club I've mentioned before called Doce Pares who have long been spreading the Eskrima word around the UK. That and ass-whuppings.

although they really should fix that leak in their roof

Now, Doce Pares did not deem it safe for me to take part in the eskrima demonstrations and just be flailing sticks around the room and nailing children in the head and whatever. Fine. But like I said at the start: there are no coincidences; everything is there for a reason. Thus, my mere presence at the gym's opening significantly raised my lightsaber fighting-skill level from "beginner" to "dork." More specifically, the spectacular Pinoy lechon-handaan laid out at the opening worked to sharpen my offensive moves. . .

. . .while Doce Pares' insistence that I bring the LLDD-Hyphen-L along to the gym allowed me to hone my defensive technique by recreating a weaponized typical night in the LLDD household. . .

The result - well, you and your lame untrained eyes tell me. Can you honestly see any difference between Doce Pares' star student with his olisi. . .

. . .and me with my lightsaber?

Of course not! It was dark! How could you!? But I don't think any camera could capture my speed and awesomeness anyway. The important things to take out of this are: 1) there are no coincidences; and 2) thanks to Doce Pares, those geekfans are so dead when I go to next year's ComiCon.