Ha.
Pre-bar beauties
I’m not saying these lady lawyers were the reason I went to law school, just a reason. Most of them didn’t even exist in real-life, of course, but the non-law students didn’t know that and so went on with their lawyer lusting. This, in turn, made my 10-hours-a-day in the law library seem just a little bit less nerdy.
So thank you, TV attorneys and your dreamworld depiction of law life. Thank you.
Pam Davidson (Greatest American Hero, 1981 to 1983) - My earliest memory of loveliness in law. Actually, I don’t remember her ever doing anything remotely connected to the legal profession, just that the hero’s sidekick kept calling her “Counselor” and she was willing to roll with a vigilante in red tights. That was more than enough for me.
Joyce Davenport (Hill Street Blues, 1981 to 1987) - I distinctly remember confusing Davenport and Davidson when I was young, even thinking it was the one and the same actress, just older and with oilier skin. Davenport, though, had a much more legally substantive role as a Public Defender (which, as portrayed in the series, apparently entails a lot of snuggling with the local Chief of Police).
Ann Kelsey (L.A. Law, 1986 to 1994) - The series aggressively showcased the Grace Van Owen character, but future lame lawyers knew: Kelsey was the cute one. Incoming law students could easily identify with her awkwardness and struggles as the unsure-of-herself young intern. Oh, and she had "The Kiss Heard Round the World."
The Panyera who used to have an early morning legal talk show (Channel 9, sometime early 90’s) – When I was a law student, I remember waking up earlier than I had to so I could catch a 10-minute talk show that discussed the burning legal questions of the day. Officially, I watched it to brush up on the latest jurisprudence; unofficially, I – and I suspect most law students at that time – just wanted to gaze at the screen and dream of one day sitting on the guest couch across from the gracefully settled Panyera (there was actually a Pugad Baboy strip to that effect). After graduation, a couple of my classmates made it onto the show, and I was jealous as hell. Years later, she asked one of my former bosses to guest, and he had me write his prepared responses to her scripted questions. Most recently, she showed up on TV as real-life legal counsel to Piolo Pascual and Sam Milby.
All told, she couldn’t have kept me away from her more effectively if she got a T.R.O.
Practice of the profession pretties
Strangely – or maybe not so strangely - the moment I actually became a lawyer, I lost most interest in courtroom dramas. Sensing my increasing indifference, Hollywood immediately…um…“intensified” its on-screen lady lawyers, even if it meant sacrificing the last semblance of their credibility. I still didn’t watch that much TV, but whenever these characters came on, you better believe I stopped and took judicial notice.
Lt. Col. Sarah MacKenzie (JAG, 1996-2005)
The only real thing here is the book case.
Bonnie Hane (Ed, 2000-2004)
What? What small town DOESN’T have a prosecutor like this?
Ronnie Cooke (Boston Public, 2001-2005)
Please. Seven-of-Nine was less fictional.
If any of these lawyers exist in real life, I’m Gerry Spence.
(On the other hand, not one but TWO recent real-life U.P. Law honor graduates have become Bb. Pilipinas-Universe . . .
...and have you seen some of the lawyers on reality shows like “The Apprentice”? Great googly moogly...
...And then there’s Queen Amidala herself, who - even as she was fighting Count Dooku - was Alan Dershowitz's research assistant at Harvard, lectured at Columbia University on terrorism and counter-terrorism, and…
...I don’t know what my point is anymore)
Acts and Omissions
Hollywood would have you believe every leading lady lawyer on TV is an object of desire, and you’re actually kind of a jerk if you think otherwise. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. Not all sassy solicitors are created equal, and it's quite easy to say "Objection!" to some prominent ones.
Clair Huxtable (The Cosby Show, 1984-1992)
Ah, the ‘80s. When hair was huge and M.I.L.F. only meant a secessionist movement in the south. The media insisted the haughty Atty. Huxtable was the most beautiful woman of the time, but it was the seldom-seen Sondra whom my classmates and I really wanted to cross-examine.
Ally Mcbeal (Ally Mcbeal, 1997-2002)
Went from quirky cute to crazy annoying in the span of a mini-skirt.
Miranda Hobbs (Sex and the City, 1998-2004)
On the one hand, Hobbs' character in Sex and the City was smart, witty and attractive. On the other hand, Hobbs' character was in freakin' Sex and the City.
So there you have it. One lame lawyer's list. I tried to come up with a similar enumeration of desirable diplomats on TV, but we all know the discussion begins and ends with a certain famous U.N. Ambassador
What? You were expecting Angelina Jolie?
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