MADNESS, I SAY! MADNESS!

Every year, as the calendar turns December, U.P. students look forward to three things: 1) Kris-kringle revelation parties; 2) the Lantern Parade; and 3) the Oblation run. (I’ve been part of two out of three of these; let’s not discuss which ones)

U.P. Law students, however, have one more special tradition to mark the season, the one event that sets them apart from other law schools: Malcolm Madness. For just one day out of the year, the entire faculty is fair game to teases, taunts and straight-up insults from the student body. Some teachers are cool with it, others are not, but holiday joy and discomfort are felt by all!

In my time, "Madness" was staged as a loose variety show of song, dance and skit. The idea was to get everyone in the batch involved in the fun: those with good voices got to shine up front; those with dance moves got to gyrate in the background; and those with neither were told to just come up with the skewering lyrics and keep out of sight (I fell firmly within this category). "Madness" was also supposed to be a contest among the year-levels, but the competition was really just secondary to the chance to stick it to the professors (although the sight of ordinarily buttoned-up and bookish law students turning into naughty, provocative dance machines onstage was also highly appreciated by everyone).

There was also an added twist to the song competition: no one told the Freshmen – who had never seen a "Madness" before – that the songs were supposed to be parodies. The joyful result: all the bright-eyed newbies would sing their hearts out to some upbeat pop choir medley, then wondered with horrified-looking faces why the audience was snickering at them throughout the performance, like their zippers were open or something. The upperclassmen crushed many a freshman’s confidence this way. Those who survived to the next year-level, however, got to do the same thing to the freshmen that followed them. The circle of life.

And so, as another Malcolm Madness approaches, I recall some of the most memorable lyrics my law class came up with. They may be corny, and you might not recognize some of the characters or context, but it’s a lot of fun to follow the words and sing 'em out loud.

And, boy, did the professors laugh/blush/seethe when we unleashed these beauties back in the day.

I swear, if it weren’t Christmas, lawsuits would have been filed.



THE SUBJECT: A STERN, BUT LOVABLE, LADY PROFESSOR
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “IKAW ANG MS. UNIVERSE NG BUHAY KO”

Ikaw ang Ms. Universe, ng U.P. Law.
Ilang beses ko pa bang sasabihin sa ‘yo?
Ang make-up mong walang ‘sing kapal,
Lalabas ka ba sa karnabal?
Ikaw ang Ms. Universe, ng U.P. Law.

THE SUBJECT: THE FORMER COLLEGE SECRETARY, WHO HAD THE MOST DRAMATIC, SWASHBUCKLING GAIT AND BODY MOVEMENTS AROUND
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “PRINCE ALI” (from Aladdin)

Di-si-ni
Se-cre-ta-ry
Macho lumaaa-kad.
GQ ‘yan,
Fundador man,
Strong ang dating.
Enforcer ni Agabin,
Pag s’ya na ang naging Dean,
Lahat lalagpakin
Ni Disini.

THE SUBJECT: A BRILLIANT BUT SOMETIMES HARD TO UNDERSTAND PROFESSOR WHOSE STUDENTS WOULD OCCASIONALLY NOD OFF IN CLASS

SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “OH, CAROLINA”

Magallona is the best
Kung gusto mo mag-rest
Pero kwidaw sa finals
Baka ’di ka maka tres.
Oh, Magallona (gising na, gising na)
Oh, Magallona (tulog na, tulog na)

THE SUBJECT: A FREQUENTLY ABSENT PROFESSOR OF CRIMINAL PROCEDURE
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE”

Bakit kapag may Crim Pro,
Mga law students ay nahihilo.
It’s a problem to find
This professor of mine,
Lagi na lang kami ay left behind...

Every time I see you, Leonen
I get down on my knees and pray.
We’re waiting for that time you show up and
Tell us all that you will stay.

(AND MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE. I SWEAR, YOU HAVE TO SING-ALONG OUT LOUD WITH THIS ONE)

THE SUBJECT: A VERY BRAINY BUT BALDING PROFESSOR
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “AWIT NG BARKADA” (saan na napunta ang panahon)

Ang aming teacher na galing Harvard,
Kung mag-english s’ya, ‘di trying hard.
Nung nasa U.P. ay laging scholar,
At parang Beatles ang kanyang bangs.

Nasaan na napunta ang iyong bangs?
Sinabunutan ka ni Beth mong giliw.
Nasubukan mo naba’ng Minoxidil?
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?

Pangalangan, Pangalangan
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?
Pangalangan, Pangalangan
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?

So what are the kids at UP Law up to these days? Apparently, they've added a freaking hilarious freestyle-rap battle portion to "Madness"

I'm so fraking proud of my alma mater, I could cry.