BPOnd. JAMES BPOnd

Yo, yo, yo! Check it out, me and my peeps be totally invited to the fo-shizzle, the Source Awards! Yeah, boi....

(hmm? what's that?)

(check my invitation again?)

(oh I see...)

Ok...ahem...correction then. It appears we weren't invited to the Source Awards. It seems the Embassy was actually invited by our Trade Office to attend the best industry practices awards for, um, outsourcing.

Juust a bit less gangsta than the Source Awards

Still, this is an important event for the Philippines. The BPO sector brings in over 13 billion dollars a year and close to a million jobs to the country. So yeah, we're kind of a heavy-hitter. And hell yeah we'll represent at the industry's awards night.

Sparkling dinner conversation courtesy of a support center in Eastwood

But first things first -- the invitation said the event was black tie. Oh no. Usually, when a diplomatic event is formal, I can get away with wearing a barong. In this case, however, the dinner was being staged by a private/business group, so I would still have to explain the acceptability of national dress to an uninitiated bouncer. More importantly...it's freaking eight degrees in London!!

So there was really no choice: for the first time in my life, I would have to rock a tuxedo.

I knew nothing of tuxes, so I was worried and apprehensive at first. But this quickly gave way to an excitement arising out of the endless Kuya Germs stylin' possibilities. This, for instance, was the actual giddy text exchange between me and the Trade Office as we went to rent tuxedoes:

Trade Office: "Pagandahan tyo may boa feathers ka ba? Kami meron. With rhinestones pa."

Me: "Akin rubberized at leopard print. May bow tie, pero di ako magdre-dress shirt sa ilalim. Saka tear-away"

I may or may not have drawn inspiration from The Inbetweeners

In the end though, we all chickened out and rented the most basic tuxes available ("basic" still setting us back 51 pounds each!). We then proceeded to assemble our ensembles, starting with the signature of black tie, the...um..black tie.

In our book, "classy" is not mutually exclusive with "clip-on"

The cummerbund had a whole other set of styling issues. One, I found it hard to say cummerbund without giggling irrationally. Two, laid down, a (clip-on) cummerbund looked like a cross between a fanny pack and a weightlifter's support belt.

And I only wear fanny packs for my "smart casual" occasions

Three, the cummerbund didn't really keep in stomach flab so much as redeployed it (indeed, if you bent over forwards, the top of the cummerbund flapped down and your bilbils squished out over the top). Last, I'm sorry, but the high-and-tight waist illusion made me feel icky -- like I belonged with Prince and the Revolution.

When dorks cry

Yet all of the above issues were totally forgotten as soon as I slipped on the striped pants and velvet-lapelled jacket. From then on, dammit, I felt like freakin' Double-O Seven!!

Oh, James....

Nothing left then but to shake and stir the outsourcing awards. The event followed the usual program: cocktails, dinner, dessert. The surprise came when the evening's entertainment turned out a be Jack Whitehall, a pretty well known stand-up comedian who regularly appears on British television talk shows.

It's nice to know it isn't just the Pokwangs and Allan Ks of the world who have to go on the office dinner party circuit to earn a living

Whitehall was very funny, if a bit risqué. Most of his jokes weren't fit for publication in classy blogs like this one (I'm wearing a tuxedo as I type this, so it counts as classy). He also kept things moving speedily along, and before we knew it, the Philippines' category - Best Outsourcing Destination of the Year - was up. Some important things you should know about the category: 1) the Philippines won the award last year, and twice over the last three years, so there was risk of voter-fatigue; 2) we were up against other heavy-hitters like Egypt, Ukraine and Sri Lanka; and 3) we heard that Egypt campaigned hard, and one of its companies even sponsored one of the categories. Still, we had to keep the faith and believe that we would take home the award.

If Egypt won, I was very much prepared to yell "Denial is not just a river in your country!"

As the nominees were read and images flashed on the big screens, a great sense of nervous anticipation swept our table. I personally was worried not just whether we would win or not, but whether I could pull off the contrived "I'm-intellectually-interested-in-this-award-but-am-detached-enough-that-I-don't-look-stupid-if-I-lose" close-up of nominees.

After a few more unprintable off-color jokes by Whitehall, the envelope was opened. And the winner is. . . .

Yeah, boiiiiiiiii!!!!!

That's right! The Philippines won again! Third time in four years! Euphoria in the UK! Palakpakan sa 'Pinas! Rapture in RCBC Tower! Oh, how I wished they played the intro to Black Eyed Peas' "Bebot" when the Trade Office went up to accept the award!

A most memorable night indeed. Kudos to our Trade Office for a job well done. All their hard work and tuxedo rentals paid off. The task now is to build on the momentum, attract more investments, and - of course - make sure the Philippines wins again next year!. But all that can wait 'til tomorrow. Tonight, celebrations! Tonight, as with all awards nights, an afterparty!! Tonight, the coolest and most beautiful people get to par-tay!

Tonight, my invitation is outsourced to someone cooler and I eat cold soup at home.