No, I’m not talking about the return of Roy Hibbert (hey-brr-t! hey-brr-t!) to Georgetown for his senior year, although that’s most welcome.
(Jeff Green, on the other hand, goes out like a punk)
I’m talking about something as pointless – but far less entertaining – as “Tommy Lee Goes Back to College”.
I’m talking “The LLDD is Made to Go Back to Cadetship.”
Flashback to January 2006. It’s supposed to be the last day of my batch’s six-month long cadetship. A public ceremony is arranged. Senior Officials are invited. Parents have cameras at the ready.
So what happens? The new head of the “Institution” – who up to that point had never met or talked to the batch - takes the stage to proudly announce that 75% of the batch ain’t graduating.
Including moi.
Seems there’s this minimum attendance requirement that most of my batch missed. You have to be present at least 80% of the time per module, or you don’t get a certificate of completion.
Fair enough, except: (a) some modules were as short as 3 days, so if you happen to be absent for just one day, it’s mathematically impossible to reach 80% for that module; (b) no consideration was made for sickness, emergencies, or even official work assignments; (c) the “Institution” let the rule slide in previous years, including for a couple of officers who have since been promoted.
I fell under “(d) all of the above.” I was absent just one day out of the entire six-month cadetship to stay at a hospital overnight, and had been a model cadet up to that point. Many other batchmates had similar legitimate reasons for missing some classes: their wedding day, an ill wife, an appendectomy, urgent work for the Department itself.
But noooooooooooo……….
Not only were we not excused, we were put down in public for it. At our very own graduation, we were told we were “arrogant”, we were “shameful” and – my favorite – we had "low E.Q.”
(because, as everyone knows, when you think of having an appendectomy, you think “how might this affect my E.Q. score?”)
But life had to go on, so certification of completion or not, the batch had to report for duty the following day to our respective office assignments. There – if I may say so myself – we did a damn fine job and got called up to do some of the most substantive and important work for the Department.
Meanwhile, the “Institution” went on to pick-and-choose when to invoke our non-graduation for purposes of withholding perks like scholarships, travel assignments and postings. Some of my batchmates who didn’t graduate were able to attend prestigious events and/or get posted (and we absolutely couldn’t be happier for them), while others had their travel requests denied solely because they lacked a certificate of completion. In other words, the non-graduation thing was held over our heads for the past year, and would continue to be held over our heads until we re-took the module we missed.
To recap for those keeping score, the batch was qualified and competent enough to hold essential positions and carry out vital functions within the Department, but still needed to attend a classroom lecture to provide an overview of those same essential positions and vital functions that we already held and carried out over the past year.
But wait, there’s more.
The module that I needed to do-over was conference diplomacy, or basically how to organize a successful meeting. My fellow re-takers from the batch included: the Director of the Busiest Frontline Office in the Department; the Deputy of the Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit; and the Presidential Protocol Officer who’s worked in Malacañang for more than 25 years and personally served five Presidents.
Slackers! Ne’er-do-wells! What a buncha bums! You can’t possibly know anything about conference management! Not without this PowerPoint presentation you have to sit through!
Anyway, that’s my fate for one week. I’m sitting in the cadetship of the new batch of officers, and I’ve decided to rip-off other blogs and keep a running diary throughout the module. If the entries seem unexciting and unnecessary, well, you must have low E.Q. too.
Day 1
9:00 (sharp) – “Conference” is defined. And we’re off!
9:15 – The speaker seems a bit strict. I’m told by the new officers that he’s already gotten upset during earlier lectures at people who looked at him funny or sat in their chair wrong. I must admit, I’m nervous.
9:40 - We discuss what a “Non-Paper” is. I always giggle at these foreign service oxymorons, like “Note Verbale” and “Chair of the Standing Committee”.
10:05 – I feel a bit stiff, so I try to cross my legs and – nooooooo! the speaker sees me mid-cross! He’s gonna call me!
10:06 – Phew! The Speaker tells me my answer is “partially correct.” It’s like checking into a game, getting fouled hard, and splitting free throws. I can live with that.
10:17 – The G-77 is made up of 134 countries. Of course it is.
10:45 - The module’s first ever coffee break! I used to love these! My batchmates would all race to the cadets’ lounge and check our fantasy teams and, depending on the day's results, would or would not go back to class on time (or, at all).
11:15 - Session resumes. The speaker says something along the lines “Before, diplomacy was done by aristocracy. Now, any hoi polloi with a brain can do it, even without the breeding.” So there.
11:30 – Briefing begins on our Simulation Exercise for this module. We’re having . . . a Mock U.N. Conference! Just like grade school!
11:45 - Oops! Got caught talking across the room with my batchmate and Director of the Busiest Frontline Office in the Department. We both get shushed by the speaker. Fair enough but …
11:46 – …he goes on to say something about cadetship being handed on a silver platter, and calls out my batchmate for not having a certificate of completion. I had 10:30 in the office pool for when someone would bring out our non-graduation during class.
12:00 – Break for lunch. It’s not as much fun as before, because now I have to go back up to my office to work on the things that have piled on my desk while I’m attending this module.
1:30 – And we’re back. The new speaker for the afternoon is more factual and straightforward. Very procedural and wonky, and yet not boring to me. I need a life.
2:15 – Apparently this actually happens in international conferences: Country A makes a statement disparaging its nemesis Country B. Country B invokes its Right of Reply, but sends its most junior officer to speak so as to demean the significance of Country A. Hehehe. I think that’s great. My new life ambition is to be that junior officer who demeans everyone by his mere presence.
2:47 – There really is such a thing as an amendment to the amendment to the amendment to the amendment.
3:15 – We end early! Woo-hoo!! Now I can go out and . . . oh, I forgot. I have real work now. Dammit. Cadetship isn’t fun anymore. And I have three more days of this. (grumble)
Day Two
9:00 – The speaker for the morning, a senior official at the Department, recognizes me and my batchmates. He immediately says my batchmate, The Deputy of the Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit, could give the lecture herself. Haughty smirks from me and my batchmates. Good start to the day.
10:08 – Lecture turns into more of a Q and A. We might finish this lecture early as well. If we do, do I tell my office upstairs?
10:09 – Naaah.
10:23 – The speaker now asks us questions. He wonders aloud why my batch doesn’t apply for the scholarships available within the Department. Heck, he’s imploring my batch to apply for the scholarships, saying this is the best thing we can do for ourselves and the Department. He even names the exact scholarship that some of my other batchmates applied for but were denied because of their non-graduation. My batchmate re-takers in the room all move from haughty smirk to mocking cackle. The “Institution” can’t be enjoying this.
10:37 – Yep. Finished early again. Back in the day, we’d head straight to the mall and open the moviehouses. Now … sigh.
1:25 - The next speaker is The Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit herself. She sees me and my batchmate re-takers and asks – audible to the "Institution" and to everyone else – “Why are you here?” Our mocking cackle is now an outright evil chortle.
3:56 – The speaker describes the goosebump moment when she first uttered the words “On behalf of my country, our position is …” Now I’m torn. I want to someday say those words, but I don’t want to give up my lifelong dream of being a demeaning junior officer.
4:30 – That went by fast. The speaker was very good. No wonder she’s The Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit.
Day 3
(for private – but valid – reasons, I have to skip out parts of the morning lecture. I realize I’m tempting fate here, and might end up having to take this module a third time)
1:00 – Back in time for the full afternoon session. Movies! Well, no, actually, just a DVD showing of the ASEAN summit. Still, very cool to see how well the summit events look on film. If only there were commentaries on how things were behind the scenes.
1:01 – Oh, wait. That’s the whole agenda for the afternoon. War stories from those who were actually on the ground at the summit. I really should read the module program. Carry on.
2:10 – I knew it! The summit was postponed in December because of the weather, and the weather only! I . . . TOLD … YOU … SO!!! (doing a little happy dance)
3:25 – Ah, Summit war stories. Can’t get enough of them. I wish one of the panel would ask me to share my summit experiences with the class. It mean, it seems a bit unbecoming if I have to promote my blog in front of everyone without prompting. Just ask me already. I’m a good speaker.
4:00 - So close. Volunteered to tell a great story relevant to the discussion, but it involved someone else in the room, who refused to let me share it. It would have killed. So very close.
4:30 – Session ends without me getting to talk. Maybe Letterman will have me.
Day 4
9:00 – Simulation day! We get to fake it!
9:01 - I immediately notice that only me and my batchmate re-takers are dressed in formal conference-appropriate attire. Seems the new batch of officers pulled a prank on us. Well played.
9:10 – Election of conference officers. Even though I represent a prosperous, developed country, and there are four vice-chairmanships, I don’t get picked for anything. Just like high school.
9:19 – In school, you signal you want to say something by raising your hand. In international conferences, you signal by placing your country nameplate in a vertical position
(picture). More dignity and less display of arm flab that way.
9:48 - Everyone reads the country statements they prepared. I must say, I’m impressed. Quality work from everyone (although the 3-minute limit means many didn’t stop for breath through their statement).
10:51 – Hehehe After nearly two hours of discussions, turns out no one is sure what the mock conference is really about. Are we cutting carbon emissions, or are we reducing oil consumption?
10:52 – Someone makes the brilliant suggestion that we read the title of the mock conference. The mock conference has a title?
10:53 – Yep. “The Manila Conference on the Reduction of Carbon Emissions”. There you go.
10:59 - So of course, the speaker says we should work on a draft declaration to reduce oil consumption.
11:00 – Sad part is, this is how things are done in real conferences.
11:45 – Speaker tells us we now have to work things out on our own. He’ll be back at 2:30, and we better have
something.
12:00 – Naturally, with such high stakes and limited time, my batchmates head to McDonald’s for lunch. We’ll be back at 1:00. Hard to save the world on an empty stomach.
1:00 – We come back to find negotiations started without us. Just as well. I’m still bitter about not getting elected to anything.
1:32 – I like this batch of new officers. Their comments are in point, they’re polite yet firm, and they stay in character. Makes for lively negotiations. My batch, on the other hand, basically dropped their country hats the moment the speaker went out the door, gave drafting chores to the one who came in late, then all took a nap.
2:06 – Hmmm….this is turning into a not-as-good version of “Lord of the Flies”, or a dull episode of “The Apprentice.” Everyone has an opinion, but we’re not getting any closer to an agreed text. But I’m not giving up hope. I bet things all fall into place around 2:29, when everyone realizes the speaker will be coming back at any moment. Let’s see if anyone hangs on to any principles then.
2:29 –
Viola! Negotiated agreement reached! Unbending principled stance, what unbending principled stance?
3:05 – Speaker goes over what we made line by line. A quibble here and there, but otherwise, I think we passed.
3:33 – Yep. Good enough. Handshakes and back-slapping all around. We just solved global warming.
3:34 – Well, no, not really.
3:58 – A big deal is made that The Deputy of the Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit and I have completed this module and have therefore concluded our cadetship. We receive our certificates of completion - which misleadingly states that our cadetship took a year-and-a-half to finish - and are told we are now eligible for foreign assignments.
4:00 –
Chortle
