So I report back to the Home Office, and find it to be as awesome as I left it (and with no more "mixers"!). All us new recallees soon learn, however, that the headquarters is in need of a good retrofit, and in particular has to shed tons of its heavy concrete cladding to maintain its integrity.
"This whole Department needs to lose weight", a senior official bellows publicly.
"How dare yo...oh, you mean the building", is the general reply.
You'll forgive our defensiveness, but the department appears to have implemented in our absence several policies micro-aggressively aimed at our midsections. Flag ceremonies, for instance, now regularly feature high-energy performers like cheerdancers.
"Foreign Affairs and Trade! Gimme an 'F', gimme an 'A', gimme a 'T'"
You go up to an office, and you find old-timers doing old-school stretching and calisthenics
to the fright of every millennial intern that walks in
You go back down after office hours, and you hear reverberating through the stairwells the unmistakable untss untss untss untss of techno-Zumba
"Feel it! Feel it like the capital of Switzerland!"
And finally, left to roam the office halls and keep everyone in shape...It's Captain DFA!!!
and his subliminally body-shaming skin-tight-leave-nothing-to-the-imagination costume!
Curse you Captain, and your BMI.
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