IT'S SATURDAY, I MUST BE IN...HOLY CRAP, I'M AT THE U.N.!!!

The LLDD has always felt he had a Forrest Gump-like knack about him. That is to say, I often seem to accidentally back into places and events that are far more significant than anything I've deliberately been a part of. One day I'm drafting a simple legal opinion, next day I'm whisked off to Congressional hearings on the subject and made to speak like an authority. That sort of thing has happened to me over and over during my career.

(Alas, "Forrest" never seems to happen for anything cool or showbiz-y. No calling card of mine, for instance, has accidentally made its way to a MTV talent scout. I'm also still waiting for a Maxim model to approach me and say that she's chanced upon my office memos and find they "speak to her")

Anyway, I'm minding my own business, pushing papers, stirring coffee, looking forward to stinking up the Department basketball league, when all of a sudden - through a series of events TOTALLY out of my control and comprehension - I'm told out of the blue: "You're going to the U.N.!"

"Avenue?"

"General Assembly"

Gumped again!

In the same line with greatness - JFK airport apparently doesn't have diplomat lanes, so I stand in line for nearly an hour upon arrival with everyone. This is cool with me because also stuck in my line are members of Miami FC including...Romario!!! His hair is graying, but he still has a dignified, thoroughbred air about him. In contrast, the rest of the non-American players have the "I'm-glad-I'm-playing-in-the-U.S.-and-all-that-but-really-a-better-agent-should-have-been-able-to-get-me-a-reserve-squad-gig-in-Europe" look. In contrast contrast, the U.S. players have a "the-longer-I-play-the-longer-I-can-put-off-getting-that-job-in-sales" demeanor.

Remember, Siegfried and Roy are citizens of the world too - the hotel where we stayed is the closest to the U.N.; directly in front and right across the street, in fact. It's apparently a favorite among diplomats. So with around 200 nations and the entire world history to choose from, it is quite interesting that the hotel selected an early las vegas motif. I'm talking black marble, gold sidings, wall-to-wall-to-ceiling mirrors...Vegas, baby!

Foreign policy manifestation, or just diplomats getting cold. You decide - On the first day of the General Assembly, the diplomats descend on the First Avenue entrance gate en masse, only to be logjammed at the corner crossing for about 15 minutes as the U.S. President's motorcade passes through. At the exact moment that the guy next to me points to something across the street, the President's car passes across, and he apparently thinks the pointing is at him. He takes this as a cue to wave at all of us vigorously. As far as I could tell from where I was standing, none of the diplomats stuck at the corner return the wave.

Oh, the hUmaNity - Some of you might think that all U.N. diplomats are unflappable, uber-dignified, cool-as-ice figures who never make mistakes. I can tell you, however, that there are many who are just like you and me and who are all too human. Some examples:

• cellphones do go off accidentally during U.N. meetings, with some of the loudest and most embarrassing ringtones.

• yes, delegates from all over the world pose for pictures on the general assembly floor, even while speeches are ongoing. Hindi lang Pinoy ang mahilig sa "picture-picture"

• some of the funniest sights at the U.N. are when whole delegations wander aimlessly through mazes of hallways and cubicles looking for the venue of their meetings. A group from a European country, for instance, walked into a room where an Asian forum was in full swing, and both sides stared at the other in bewilderment. Sometimes two lost delegations bump into one another, ask a few questions, then walk away in opposite directions, still lost (just like those scenes in the original "Poseidon Adventure")

Place kinda reminds me of - New York is like the cover of a SimCity box. The U.N. somehow reminds of the CCP because of the 60-70's feel to the building. Retro, not quite dated.

If I had a dime for every time I overheard a diplomat talk about where Nicole Kidman shot "The Interpreter"...


View from my hotel window. I've come a long way from when I used to go to New York and stay at cheap backpacker hostels (on the other hand, those places had common, co-ed bedrooms and bathrooms; those were fun)


Our Mission...should we decide to accept it...


It sounds corny, but the sight of the Mission's flag from far down 5th Avenue is actually pretty inspiring (and the great deli to the left also helps)

First Avenue street fair. Love the t-shirt.

Central Park. Still New York's great redeeming feature

(although still home to some dorky dancing)


My hotel's elevator. If Wayne Newton ever becomes U.N. Sec. Gen., he'd stay in this place

Tavern-on-the-Green. Very nice central dining area, but rest of the restaurant as gaudy as my hotel. They apparently really like their mirrored walls and hallways in New York.

Diplomats swoosh by one of the many artworks scattered in the U.N. The Philippines had several smaller paintings throughout the building. Someone should make a coffee-table book about them.

The LLDD has arrived


The LLDD loved his Mr. Spock earpiece. It got at least six different languages (yet, sadly, no Howard Stern)

A cute UN tradition. While someone addresses the General Assembly, admirers and well-wishers from all over the world line up backstage, then greet the speaker after the speech. Bonus: I get to work the velvet rope! ("I don't care if you're the Chancellor of Elbonia, you're not getting in if you're not on the list. And no, I don't believe you came in with Angelina Jolie")

One of those "Only-in-the-U.N." moments: I'm standing in a hallway minding my own business when, right in front of me, the President of Iran and his posse bump into the PM of Malaysia and his posse. Instant photo-op.

Another nice "Only-in-the-U.N." scene: diplomats from all over the world crowd a little cafe inside the U.N. Dozens of nationalities, languages, races and religions share the same tables, order from the same food display, and drink from the same coffee maker. Strangely reminiscent of the cantina scene in Star Wars.

All we needed, really

PHOTO OF LLDDL TO TIDE YOU OVER WHILE I'M AWAY ON TRAVEL

IT'S SATURDAY, I MUST BE IN BAGAN

A Myanmar temple is fascinating. It’s ancient (yet very well preserved), spiritual, and constructed in such size and with such detail that it leaves you wondering how it possibly could have been built centuries ago without the help of a battalion of bulldozers. And that’s just for one temple.

Bagan has four thousand.

There’s a Starbucks joke to be made somewhere, but honestly, the temples blended with the landscape so organically that they might as well have been created by nature itself. They were always in your sights but never in your face. And we’re not talking cookie-cutter structures, either. Each temple still had its own feel and style.

Speaking of style, we certainly arrived in it in Bagan. The ferry docked at the bottom of a tall cliff, where a long snaking staircase had been carved into the rock. Each step had a local well-wisher in colorful garb throwing flower petals over our heads as we passed through. There was chanting and clapping everywhere. I'm telling you, if a Hollywood cinematographer had managed to capture the whole scene on film, he'd be thanking the Academy by now.

PLACE KINDA REMINDS ME OF: I've never been to Bohol, but I imagine the Chocolate Hills sprout out of the land as effortlessly spectacular as the temples in Bagan. Just NFW moments all around.

You think the painting exaggerates the temples in Bagan? HAH!


"HAH!", I say!



I'm telling you, "HAH!"


This is actually just one of four giant buddhas within one of the larger temples in Bagan, with each buddha facing a different direction on the compass. To get to each one, you have to go through these long, dark corridors. Then, suddenly, as you turn a corner, you get jolted by this bright golden glow. The Golden Buddha! (cue Indiana Jones theme: tan ta ran tan, tan ta ran! tan ta ran taaaaan, ta ta ran tan tan!)

"HER NAME IS IRRAWADDY AND SHE DANCES ON THE SAND..."

To get from Mandalay to our next stop Bagan, we go old-school and take a ferry cruise down the Irrawaddy river. I wouldn’t use the imposing “Mighty” to describe the river so much as a friendly “Oooh, you’re a big one, ain’tcha?”

Irrawaddy is actually calming in its length and breadth. It helps that the weather is great, the ferry is leisurely functional, and everyone else on board is a laid-back European backpacker type (one Italian tour group that we met had actually been to Jolo; for the pizza, no doubt).

The cruise meanders along for eight hours, with dozens of hillside temples providing NFW moments at the start and the end of the trip (the middle part was hypnotic for the consistency of the landscape on either side of the river: flat for miles, scattered trees, and not a power line in sight). The travel time is so long that there are lots of opportunities to nap, but as our protocol guide (who had never been on the Irrawaddy before either) actually said: "I don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to miss a thing."

Channeling Aerosmith on the Irrawaddy. Cool.


Daybreak on the Irrawaddy, which I almost missed because of the ROOKIE MISTAKE of leaving the office cellphone and laptop in the hotel room just as the convoy to the ferry is about to leave. Our van had to wait while the rest of the motorcade sped off to the ferry without us. I literally almost missed the boat.


You don't see this on "Cribs"


"Look! What's that just over the horizon? Why, it's ASEAN economic integration!"

Eight hour ride, and this is the only other boat we ever see

I checked my passport. I qualified to use the bathroom.

IT'S FRIDAY, I MUST BE IN MANDALAY

I am shocked. Shocked, I say! The Mandalay Resort and Casino of Corrales vs. Castillo II looks NOTHING like the ancient capital of Myanmar! Who knew Las Vegas was so … artificial?

The REAL Mandalay, now THAT I like. More bustling than Yangon, there’s an exotic, spirited vibe to the place. More shops, more people scooting around, more adventure travelers, more moats.

That’s right. The city center is dominated by an ancient palace that’s surrounded by a perfectly square moat that’s maybe a kilometer long and 50 meters wide each side. It’s tranquil, tidy and apparently still as effective today as it was centuries ago at keeping out invading hordes of souvenir vendors.

The palace grounds are expansive, leafy, and for some reason remind me of Veterans golf course. The palace itself is wide, intricately designed and very well preserved. Actually, there are dozens of palace structures within the complex, with each new king/queen getting his/her own space. Living large indeed.

Overlooking the city is this one big hill – named Mandalay Hill; of course it is – that bears several golden temples and a huge hilltop observation deck. Our hosts time our arrival for a spectacular sunset viewing (we have to take off our shoes and socks again at the place, and while I’m able to keep up with the group this time, three long and cold escalators leave a strange tingly feeling on my bare feet). We stay outside until the sun lazily disappears beyond the horizon.

The whole experience simply leaves me relaxed, re-energized, and ready to hit the blackjack table.

Oh wait, wrong Mandalay.

PLACE KINDA REMINDS ME OF: You know how people are always saying that if only Los Baños had a ancient palace, a perfectly square kilometer long moat and golden pagodas, it would look just like Mandalay? Well, I agree.

Royal Palace Bouncer


Fantastic woodwork on the palace roof. Apparently every King got to choose his own design. This one apparently went with "ornate".


You'd never guess it, but this apparently home to the world's biggest book. Each mini-temple houses one large stone page (so if you ever order a copy on Amazon, make sure the costs includes shipping)


The glass tile entrance leading to . . .

. . . the Golden Buddha!!! (oooooooooooo!)


Tapestry workshop where I commit the ROOKIE MISTAKE of buying souvenirs too soon. Literally two minutes after I buy a nice purse for the LLDDL, the owner of the place gives them away FREE to the rest of the delegation. I might as well have "D'oh!" tapestried on my forehead.


Top of Mandalay Hill. Nice tourist attraction with great views of the city and the palace grounds below. We're treated like real VIP's here, complete with our own cordoned-off viewing area, deck chairs, binoculars, and fruity drinks. Other tourists stare at us. So I say: "We the PhilDel! This how we roll!" (in a diplomatic way, of course)


still chilling at the top of the hill, trying to look cool


The LLDD contemplates the future of ASEAN

IT'S THURSDAY, I MUST BE IN YANGON

Inya lake. Very nice and tranquil (not unlike the new-age singer)

I’m on a traveling roll! Four countries in as many weeks, and this one is billed as the most intriguing yet.

It does not disappoint.

Start off with the fact that as you enter Myanmar, you set your watch back by 30 minutes. Not one hour. Thirty Minutes. I honestly was not aware you could do that to time zones (needless to state, I end up mis-programming my VCR back home and miss the last half-hour of Desperate Housewives)

We then go on the by-now-should-be-routine-for-me high-speed motorcade. However, an interesting thing about Myanmar: the cars are right-hand drive, but they travel on the right side of the road. Fortunately, the roads are wide, the motorists are polite, and my armrest heaves a sigh of relief.

Another fun item: our hotel is VERY big on its all-Filipina band. A huge billboard of the group dominates the front lawn and plays-up their pagka-Pinay, their posters monopolize the hotel’s elevators, and you can get them in your room on closed-circuit TV. Apparently, they don’t sing Keys Me.

Anyway, as I go around the country, I’m forced to continuously break out my NFW standard of awesome/beauty (so named after a trip several years ago to Mt. Rainier in Washington State, which was so impossibly beautiful that I distinctly remember just shaking my head and repeatedly muttering “No freaking way. No Freaking WAY!!” Seriously, there was a part of Rainier where a field of flowers, a crystal-clear stream, a rolling meadow, a virgin forest and snow-capped mountaintops all lined-up so PERFECTLY into one natural postcard vista that you’d swear it was art-directed). You’ll see some of my Myanmar NFW moments below and in the succeeding posts, but the pictures won’t do them justice (my constant cameos don’t help either).

There was lots of very serious work too, of course, but the surrounding visuals helped make things more bearable. The good food and great beer also helped. I actually wished I could see more of the place, but soon it was time to head back home.

(and set my watch forward two-and-a-half hours)

PLACE KINDA REMINDS ME OF: Dumaguete, if you squint


Your PhilDel and Embassy staff. The embassy itself has a very charming, old-school feel to it. It's what you'd imagine an embassy would be like in an Agatha Christie novel.


Shwedagon pagoda. A first-ballot NFW beautiful site (also, I like saying "Shwedagon"). The dome is HUGE and the golden glow absolutely mesmerizing (which I blame for my ROOKIE MISTAKE of being-left-behind-by-the-delegation-elevator-so-i-have-to-take-the-stairs; actually, it was also because I mis-timed a bathroom run again and wore dress socks and lace-up shoes to a place where you're required to be barefoot. The smart ones were sockless and wore loafers/sandals (and apparently time their bathroom runs well)


I check out the bling at the Gems museum (the LLDDL would hyperventilate in this place).


Bonus-picture-of-the-PhilDel-meeting-the-SPDC-in-Nay-Pyi-Taw-that's-exactly-like-the-official-photo-in-the-papers-but-I'm-posting-this-one-because-it-came-from-my-camera-so-there

IT'S MONDAY, I MUST BE IN KUALA LUMPUR

KL. Quite a city.

Or so I’m told by Sec. Condi Rice.

(before anything else, considering the photo above is unretouched, taken with my crappy cellphone, at night, and from the inside of a fast moving vehicle, I think it’s the most fracking awesome picture in the history of earth)

Backgrounder: this is MY FIRST big multilateral event, and there’s an Olympic-like feel to the place (not that I’ve ever been to an Olympics, I just watch a lot of TV). Flags, international delegates, opening ceremonies, tight security. Everything but the overwhelming corporate sponsorship (just imagine: “ASEAN! Brought to you by … KFC!”)

I already know even before leaving for KL that our schedule will be tight, but think “it’s a five-day conference, surely I’ll have time to get me some of that ‘Malaysia Truly Asia’ action I’ve heard so much about”.

Big, big, BIG ROOKIE MISTAKE.

From the moment we arrive at the airport (and go on another high-speed motorcade, but I think I’m getting used to it) ‘til the moment we leave, our program is so packed that I literally set foot on only a 100-square meter area of Malaysian soil, and 98% of that is either at the hotel or at the convention center. No visit to the Petronas Towers, no Aquaria (which is just under the convention hall!), no nothing. The only reason I get to see any of the city at all is because the one-way street system makes a 50-foot Point-A-to-Point B walk into an around-the-block-a-couple-of-times 10 minute car ride.

Meanwhile, the convention center is made up of huge glass windows, so everyday I see this beautiful park and huge mall just TAUNTING me to come over (at one point, I literally have my nose and paws pressed up against the glass like a puppy at the pet store [btw, sorry about those nose smudges, KLCC; my bad]). Plus, I have marching orders from the LLDDL to hunt down a pair of VNC/Vincci shoes, or not bother coming back.

Thing is, I find out too late that events like these are like law school: for every hour of in-room activity, you need something like three hours preparation time. So if conference sessions are from 8:30 to 5:00, and we have to prepare early morning and night, that means I have…um…eight and a half…multiply by three…carry the one…ZERO free time!!!

Of course, I wasn’t sent here to have free time. Most of my days are taken up by successive sideline bilateral meetings, or as I like to call it, Diplomatic Speed Dating. Seriously, it’s just like a high school singles scene, complete with note passing and frantic phone calls to ask for a date, chaperones, first impressions, small talk, body language, promises to do this again sometime, I’ll-call-yous (and, at the end of everything, I don’t score here either). We went through something like a dozen bilaterals in 5 days, discussing almost every complex world issue along the way (just like on my high school dates; did I mention I never scored?)

Anyway, Sec. Condi doesn’t arrive until the penultimate day of the conference and after a scheduled meeting has already started. When she walks in the meeting, I mutter “All Rice!” and laugh at my sophisticated wit and sense of humor. No one else does.

So she sits, and when it’s her turn to speak, tells her hosts “You have quite a city, I noticed as we were driving over here”.

I’ll have to take Madam Secretary’s word for it.

PLACE KINDA REMINDS ME OF: you mean the little half-acre corner-of-the-sky part of KL that I saw through the convention center glass? Actually, if you shrunk it down, it looks almost exactly like the park between Glorietta, 6750 and Shangri-La.

HAPPY EPILOGUE: I actually managed to get the LLDDL’s shoes, but it took Mission: Impossible-like complexity and timing, and involved the unknowing passive participation of a Head of Government, three Ministers, two spouses, an Ambassador, and someone I hope I outrank.

Foreign Minister Photo-op

Hottie-off-the-press

This is my "righteously-indignant-at-interviewers-for-asking-questions-while-we're-running-late" face. Often mistaken for my "constipated" look.

IT'S SUNDAY, I MUST BE IN TRIPOLI

Not bad. Just my second foreign trip, and already it’s MY FIRST State Visit. No lining up at the airport this time, just straight to the VIP lounge, baby. Everyone in the delegation is effectively Business Class, so there's no crowded seating either. Strange thing though: they showed Bruce Willis’ movie 16 Blocks on the plane's only video screen two times. In a row. Pilot must be a fan.

As you land at the airport (I think it’s non-commercial), it's interesting to see several abandoned aircraft on either side of the runway. Plus, the “gun salute” is five guys in casual clothes working one small cannon just off to the side. I like the place already.

We go on several nightime, high-speed, tailgate motorcades this trip. I check my PhilHealth card for heart attack coverage.

I also get to go to MY FIRST State Dinner. When we arrive, the appetizers are already on the table covered by Saran wrap, and each place setting has its own can of soda. We’re seated with some locals in cool traditional garb, and while we don’t speak the same language, through a series of hand gestures, we find out that they highly recommend the dates.

PLACE KINDA REMINDS ME OF: it's sunny, by the (mediterranean) sea, and most buildings are low-rise, so i'll go for a really big stretch and say that coastal Triploi is like coastal Mactan island (with highly-recommended dates).

I work mostly out of the hotel this trip while the rest of the delegation goes to various meetings and events. I do get to attend a happily raucous reception for the Filipino community. So this is what it's like to be a rock-star! Red carpet, packed venue, screaming fans. None of it was for me, of course, but an LLDD can dream, can't he?

Unfortunately, i don't have any record of all this because i commit the ROOKIE MISTAKE of forgetting to bring a camera. So y'all are stuck with my breathtaking crappy cellphone pics of ...

...the front of my hotel!!!....

...the back of my hotel!!!...

...the inside of my hotel!!!

(stuff of pulitzer, baby)