A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....uh, I last posted on this blog.
But with good reason!! Indeed, few things in my life are significant enough to stop me from blogging yet update my facebook status. And this is one of them.
Behold, then!...The LLDD-Hyphen-L and I...now...have...a SPAWN!
(er, baby!)
Now, realizing many of my brethren dorks may not know how babies are born (and, ahem, made), I owe it to them to explain the whole padawan acquisition process in - what else - Star Wars terms.
(Cue my music!)
Some nine months ago, "Vader" "boarded" "the Princess'" "blockade-runner"
(the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I were, um, into role-reversal back then)
Note: it is perfectly natural for "Vader" to fall asleep right after "boarding"
Like the first time you see Darth Maul's double-edged light saber, you squeal in excitement when you find TWO lines attached to your stick
(no fools, I made two pshfwwwuuuummmmm sounds when I saw the lines; I don't think I should have waved the stick around like a saber, though)
Commander, the scanners are detecting a lifeform
With a high midi-chlorian count!
In preparation for your new life journey, look to purchase a good land speeder from among the thousands of high-tech (and staggeringly expensive) models.
Note that since the XP-38 came out, yours might not be in demand. But it will be enough.
Over the next nine months, assemble a stomach Death Star (with cloaking device!)
I swear, there were a thousand times when the LLDD-Hyphen-L would be seated behind a desk or facing away from me or something, and I'd completely forget she was pregnant until she turned to her side. Like seeing the Imperial fleet suddenly coming out of lightspeed, I'd yell "Aiiiiiigh!!! Where'd that come from?!!"
Speaking of lightspeed, in the same way you can't emerge from it too early so as to alert the rebels of your arrival, in the UK you won't be admitted into the hospital if they think you've called up too soon about going into labour. In either instance, you proceed to attack the base anyway.
"You've failed me for the last time, receptionist"
You may actually be sent back home a few times; in which case, your trips to the hospital follow the mood-arc of the entire Original Trilogy
Trip 1/A New Hope -- Fun and exciting, everything new a joy to experience
Trip 2/Empire Strikes Back -- Dark, painful and bitin
Trip 3/Return of the Jedi -- Success and relief, thanks to the ewoks/epidural
As for the moments leading to birth -- it's all a bit icky to describe, actually. Just put it this way: Star Wars Nerds and Moms alike will TOTALLY get it when I say, "The approach will not be easy. You are required to manoeuvre straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction..."
Also, "Wedge" plays a very key role.
But in the end, all the fear, anger, pain and suffering disappear once you're handed that beautiful little creature swaddled in robes
And just as George Lucas is asked non-stop about sequels, you as a new parent will henceforth endlessly hear from everyone, "Sundan na kagad!"
Perhaps. But first, we will watch this one's career "with great interest"
