FOUR SIGNS IN LONDON OF THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE...OR SOMETHING

YES, BUT OF WHAT?!???

LET IT NOT BE SAID THAT TUBE STATION VANDALS DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PUBLIC  

SHOULDN'T IT BE WHERE DE-BRIEFINGS ARE HELD? (see what I did there? debriefings?)

AND, UM, YEAH...

SIX THINGS I STILL DON'T GET AFTER SIX YEARS IN LONDON

1) Which side should I walk?

I dutifully (and stressfully) adapted to the whole cars-are-right-hand-drive-and-travel-on-the-left-side-of-the-road scheme here in the UK.  It will make for some interesting times once I'm back on the counterflow-on-demand streets of Manila.

In the meantime, I still don't know the correct side to move on when I'm not in a car. I always thought every place in the world would intuitively follow its own road set-up, i.e., if your country drives on the left side of the road, your pedestrians would walk on the left side of the sidewalk/staircase/concourse, and vice-versa.  

Not here in London. I see just as many throngs shuffle through the right side as they do the left. Some Tube stations have signs that direct you à gauche...

...yet people in two-way staircases always seem to instinctively drift à droite.

What does it matter?  Well, I've seen (and been involved in) a lot of awkward walking bump-ins over the years, and each time there's a split second where you can feel some righteous indignation/rage about to boil over, only for it to instantly drain away upon realization that neither person knows for sure whether they were on the correct side.  Hilarity ensues.

Don't ever figure it out, London, is what I'm saying.
      

2) What's that knob on the side of the bus for?

On the exterior of every London double-decker is this thingie:

I have no idea what it's for.  My best guess is that it helps hold in place the splashy advertisements on the side of the bus.  But if so, don't the layout artists factor in the knob's location when they make their designs? Often it blends right in, flattering even 

A lot of other times though, it's...not

3) Is there really a person...oh my God!

From almost my first month in London, I've seen signs like this on a fairly regularly basis:

I've been going back and forth on what it really means ever since. At first, I took it literally: someone must have taken a tragic fall somewhere. But then, similar notices continued to come quite frequently over the years and were delivered over the PA system rather nonchalantly, so I began to think they were just euphemisms for any accident that caused some delay. Then again, why? Why of all possible ways to refer to an incident go with...that?

I mean, what would you make of this announcement at a Tube station I distinctively remember from a while back: "There are severe delays on the District Line because of a person earlier under a train, while there are minor delays on the Central Line because of another person under a train"?

um...


4) So you're basically saying there could still be a lot of people out there unhappy with how they look?

I don't know why this bugs me, but it does. It appears cosmetic products are the staple advertisements of every TV reality or talent show over here (um, so I've heard; nothing but Downton Abbey and Question Time touch my stiff upper lip). And it appears local truth-in-advertising laws require the cosmetic companies to back up their "younger looking" and "more refreshing" claims with real-people surveys.  Fine. What always surprises me is how consistently low these giant conglomerates set the bar for their products' campaigns.

That's it?!? You're promoting your product to millions of people, and you can only be bothered to survey around a hundred of them? You spend millions of pounds in product development and promotion, and your satisfaction rate barely cracks 70%?

I'm sorry, but even our Consulate interviews a 114 people before lunch. And if your approval rating is lower than my fantasy team's Free Throw Percentage, I'm just not going try your product.

(I may, however, still watch your reality and talent show)


5) What do you have against lunch?

First of all, you start it at 1:00 p.m., an hour later than nature intended. Second, I'm guessing all those yuppies spilling outside the pubs during their lunch hour aren't even having any lunch (that's not a complaint, by the way; more of admiration as to how you get away with it)

My biggest peeve, though, is the reckless way the phrase "Substantial Lunch Buffet" is thrown around. That should be the most beautiful three-word combination in the English language, and I literally wept the first time I received an invitation card that had "a substantial lunch buffet will be served" scribbled in gold font at the bottom. Yet imagine my feeling of...I don't even know the proper word for it...when every "substantial lunch buffet" event I've ever been to just comes out and serves a a few trays like this:

Why? WHY??? It was supposed to be a buffet! A substantial one!!!  I mean, aren't you violating some EU regulation or something?   Saisaki feels insulted!


6) So what's the deal with UK Fil-Com groups' line dancing?

Because I can't think of anything else that can put a bounce in your step - literally! - the way the unexplained phenomena that is Pinoys in the UK grooving to "Achy Breaky Heart" can!

I'll totally admit: I did not see this one coming.  I mean, c'mon, you certainly wouldn't think it was possible for everyone in a room at almost every Fil-Com event in the UK to somehow know all the steps and spontaneously join in like a scene from a 90's teen movie to - of all things - a country music song from a pre-twerked Billy Ray. 

And yet, here we are.

Heck, they're even competing to see who's the best at it!

I guess there are just some things in life that I'm not meant to understand...but which will forever make me happy. So, so happy.

PAKI-LISTA NA LANG LAHAT

(Clock's tickin'. Best chance to have a satisfying photodump of everything I have from my UK stay is through a bunch of random lists from now until I leave.  Let's start with "Places I Remember: Bad-Ass Edition")

Three of the most bad-ass sounding (and looking) places I found in London

Battersea Power Station

Wormwood Scrubs Prison

Thames Barrier

Three totally bad-ass sounding places but which I didn't visit because I didn't want to ruin the mystique 

Three places that sound the complete opposite of bad-ass 

And a possibly bad-ass place I shouldn't even tell you about...you might be in danger just looking at this...in fact, just forget I said anything

THERE ARE PLACES I REMEMBER...

...but which I forgot to blog about.  Since I have less than half a year left in London (and don't get the point of Timehop), I better have a photodump for the ages, pronto.

Parliament

I've been inside the place several times over the years for meetings, receptions and whatnot, and each visit brought about unparalleled wonder, weight of history, and Game of Thrones fantasy opportunities.   

Westminsteros!

Jack-the-Ripper Walking Tour

Most of the sites of the crimes have already been built over with roads and parking garages, but the walk through the back-alley routes was sufficiently creepy and chilling.  Needless to say, we didn't chose the "Night" tour. 

'Sup, More Fun in the Philippines bus?

Star Wars at Legoland 

I swear, this was for the LLDD-Baby's benefit, not mine.

You'll thank me for this, anak. Malapit na ang Episode VII.

Mansion House

The official residence of the Lord Mayor of London (who has worked with the Philippines a couple of times).  I'll never forget the posh interiors of the place, plus the fact that it has an actual gold and silver vault in the basement. 

Not to mention some pretty boss house rules

Raa-Raa at Chessington theme park

For those not familiar with the genre, Raa-Raa the Noisy Little Lion and his animal friends were many children's - including the LLDD-Baby's - first and true loves.

Until the Frozen winter came along and made them all extinct

Horse Guards

After almost six years in London, I've still haven't gone to see the famous changing of the guard at Buckingham...simply because from where the Embassy and the UK Foreign Office are located, I already often chance upon horse guards going to/coming from the Palace, and get to bask in their wake.     

Since these are well-fed horses we're dealing with, be very careful of the "wake" that you might "bask" in, if you know what I mean

Battersea Park Children's Zoo

If memory serves, this was the LLDD-Baby's first ever zoo experience, and it was adorable.

As were the chickens wearing 80s leg warmers

Knights Templar Temple Church

Dan Brown fans will immediately recognize the place as the key to one of history's greatest mysteries...

i.e. were the Illuminati behind Tom Hanks' hair?

London Wetlands Centre

We were surprised to find a large bird sanctuary not far from our house. Despite it being in the heart of London and close to Heathrow flight paths, the area was wholly quiet, serene and peaceful.

And feelings.  Don't forget their feelings.

BBC News Studios

I've accompanied several officials here for interviews over the years. What always struck me was how casually the BBC people would let me and other non-interviewees hang around the set, just inches away from the cameras that aired live to millions around the world.

I could do a Goma-bomb if I wanted to, is what I'm saying

Lollibop Festival

Or as I liked to call it, Glastonbaby.  If you ever wanted to mark a day when you could never be considered hip or edgy anymore and officially embraced the dad jeans, this kiddie festival would be it. On the other hand, you could still have fun with your old man crotchetiness by inventing mascot backstories based on how the people inside them actually performed and interacted with the crowd during meet-and-greets:  

Hyper and jumpy throughout.  Must have found the grown-ups' Red Bull stash.

Just stood and posed there, never coming within 10 feet of the people.  A long-lost Kardashian, no doubt.

Arrived 10 minutes late, walked to the the crowd verrry slooowly, with a handler steady by his side.  (puts thumb to mouth, extends pinkie, tilts head back, makes "glug glug glug" sound) 

One New Change

A smallish mallish right next to St. Paul's Cathedral famous for Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey restaurants facing off directly across each other, as well as an upper-deck with probably one of the most beautiful views in all of London  

Pictured: one of the most beautiful views in all of London. Also, St. Paul's

Kent

The office had an outing here a couple of years back.  I can't forget having my fill of freshly caught seafood and of home-made ice cream. 

But I can't remember if I had too much craft beer, or if the local architecture was just screwing with me

Farm Street Church

Quite possibly the prettiest church in London, with a great local Fil-Com group to boot. Both qualities served us well one Simbang Gabi season when a snowstorm caused traffic chaos and prevented the post-mass salu-salo food from arriving -- we all just whiled away the time enjoying our beautiful surroundings and eating the Pinoy choir's baon.

Meantime, some lucky English town along the M40 ended up taking delivery of 10 trays of pansit, puto and lugaw  

Liberty

In this edition of insider "Instead of X, Go to Y", we tell you: "Instead of Harrods, go to Liberty."   Sure, Harrods is still a facebook check-in must, but in purely department store terms, you'll like that Liberty sits at the end of historically hip Carnaby Street, is much less crowded, and has much nicer interiors. 

Which I would describe as classic tudor-meets-early gingerbread house chic

Christmas at Kew

Someone actually thought: "You know what? It's the dead of winter and we've got acres of soggy ground to work with -- why don't we charge people to walk in the dark along miles of muddy paths during the coldest time of the year and look at some lights." 

So they did. And we loved it. 

Brick Lane

And in this edition of insider "Instead of X, Go to Y", we tell you: "Instead of Notting Hill, go to Brick Lane."  I've said my pieces about Hugh Grant's haunts before.  Brick Lane, on the other hand, is relatively less known and less played out by your average tourist. And as far as I can tell (i.e. as far as the free newspapers tell me), Brick Lane is trendier, hipper and more cutting edge. 

Don't let the smiles fool you. There's a a lot of edgy-artsy angst here, I tell you

London Zoo

If memory serves, this was the LLDD-Baby's last zoo experience, and it was still adorable.

As were the 80s leg warmers. (Seriously, what the hell is that?)

Cardiff Castle

Oh, like you've never raised the Philippine flag and danced the tinikling while wearing a barong on top of a centuries-old Welsh castle

As one troll posted on our facebook page: "They did WHAT on British soil?!!!!"

Stratford-upon-Avon

The Bard's backyard.  'Nuff saideth.

But if I'm being totally honest, I was disappointed to find out that Anne Hathaway's house wasn't actually, you know...  

Pick-Your-Own farm

Never too early to teach the young 'uns the value of working with their own hands and doing some things for themselves

As my pappy used to say: "Son, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can never pick your friend's nose"

Tower of London Poppies

You've no doubt heard of last year's spectacularly beautiful and popular display of ceramic poppies around the Tower of London.  I was never able to visit it because of all the crowds, but I was lucky enough to have a meeting in a building right across the Thames from it. None of my pictures could do the display justice.

So I'll just go value-for-money panoramic on y'all and pack five other London landmarks in one go.   

Art of the Brick

It's Lego...but by an artiste!

I still say this is for your benefit, not mine, anak

Norwich

The last consular outreach mission of the year was held in Norwich, a city as lovely, historic and picturesque as any other

But, man, the authorities may want to have a chat with the locals about some of their, um, issues  

Christmas at Kew...Part II!

Someone actually thought: "You know what? This year, why don't we charge people to walk during the coldest time of the year again but - hear me out - this time on a shorter hard path, and with less lights." 

So they did. And we still loved it. 

As we have our entire six-years here.