THE TWEEK THAT WAS

as you may have read from the papers, this will be a reaaaallllly busy and important week for the office. on my part, i'm very worried because for the first time ever, i'll be a taker and not a giver...er...a catcher and not a pitcher...er...i'll be RECEIVING a visiting official delegation and not just be a part of one.

so what better way to cope with the stress than to provide rapid, hastily written, ill-conceived "tweet"-like posts/updates straight from my mobile. and in sarcastic "really?"-time!

will the technology work? maybe not. am i just wasting my load? probably. will i immediately run out of interesting things to say and just fall back on star wars puns? undoubtedly.

if everything goes to hell and i don't make it out of this week alive, please someone let the future generations know i meant well. and don't bother watching "G.I. Joe".

DAY ONE

* advance team here. just found out event venue inspection in diplo-slang is "reccy" (pronounced "wreck-y", short for reconnaisance). i disapprove. "recon" sounds more bad-ass. "reccy" sounds like the nickname of the rich kid you used to hate on the playground.

* the person responsible for a particular event is called the "control officer". i'm control officer (controfficer?)for an event that's gone from presumptively approved, to cancelled, to approved, to approved but on different date, to presumptively cancelled, to hang-on-it-still-might-be-approved. figures i get the zombie event.

* anyone see "in the loop"? british comedy released last summer. hilarious. i highly recommend it. it's "west wing" meets "the office". fsos in particular can identify with the wacky all-to-human side of diplomacy. one of the funniest lines in the movie was "i had sex to stop the war". maybe that's what's needed right now. maybe somebody needs to have sex to stop my event.

DAY TWO

* getting several media inquiries about the events, but nothing matches a bbc call from a while back. the producers of the drama "holby city" phoned me to ask what's tagalog for "lots of love". apparently a pinoy character was calling home and that was her goodbye. i struggled for a minute (you try it!) and just said the closest thing we got was "ingat" or "mahal ko kayo". it was either that or the jologs "love lots".

* oh, it's like that, london?! bright sun and blue skies for the past two weeks, and now that the delegation is arriving, NOW you turn cold, rainy and miserable?! ha! i survived the cebu storm summit! bring it, london! bring it!!

* my zombie event's head just got separated from it's body. that should be the end of it. but no! zombie event's head still writhing on the floor, suggesting hollywood sequel/re-envisioning.

* just received the standard delegation travelling requirements from my old office back home. hehehe i used to be the one that sent these out to embassies whenever we travelled to their countries. i always imagined they looked at it like some rockstar's dressing room stipulations. "bottled water sourced from arctic glaciers! punchbowl of green - and only green - m&m's! slippers made from the fur of unicorns!"

* now that i do look at the list from a receiving embassy's perspective, the requirements are fairly ordinary, if not boring. printer with fax. business newspapers. contact numbers. the most exotic thing here is a private request from a staffer to try the local kfc.

DAY THREE

* visiting delegation hotel secretariat...activate! shape of...a jamming photocopier! form of...cases of diet coke in the bathtub!

* rest assured all you trees that made the thick briefing papers and reports possible, your sacrifice will not be in vain. i'll read through all of you sometime tonight.

* not only do i like drafting scenarios, i just like saying "scenarios".

* whoever said man-bags look metrosexual hasn't seen mine stuffed with an umbrella, maps, highlighters, newspapers, a clearbook full of scenarios, assorted cables and chargers, oatmeal bars, coins and toilet paper.

DAY FOUR

* arrival countdown begins. maybe its because i'm surrounded by old pros,but everything seems strangely serene. well, unless you look at our mess at the secretariat.

* wouldn't it be great if we suddenly all broke out singing "mabuhi! mabuhi! mabuuuuhiiiii ka sugbuanoooooooooooo!" at heaththrow upon the delegation's arrival?

* part of an embassy's sop is to get rented cellphones for some members of the visiting delegation to make communication easier during their stay. hilarity ensues when the previous renter's contact info isn't cleared from the phone, and the current renter gets calls in the middle of the night from someone looking for "omar".

* speaking of hilarity, somebody should film the rear aircraft staircase (the one that isn't seen in news footage) during delegation arrivals. if the front staircase is all formality and cute kid greeters bearing flowers, the rear staircase is literally people falling all over themselves, as the non-VIP part of the delegation tries to go down the steep stairs quickly while carrying heavy bags and files, and then play a game of tarmac musical chairs and desperately scamper for an available seat in the ready-to-leave convoy. you could set the whole scene to the benny hill theme song.

* on the other hand, you also get really poignant moments on touchdown as members of the receiving embassy spot familiar faces from home in the onrushing arriving delegation, yet no one can do any catching up because everyone is whisked away so quickly and still has a job to do. it's only very late at night in the secretariat, after the day's events are done and the principals are off to bed, that people get a chance to re-connect, make bilins, and arrange padalas. (we're stationed abroad, but we're still pinoys, dammit!)

* arrangements are usually made to welcome the visiting delegation with flag-waving pinoys at the hotel lobby. a pretty cool sight in itself, but the best part is right before the delegation arrives when regular hotel guests coming from the bar stumble upon the scene and give these startled "wtf?" faces.

DAY FIVE

* you try to feel all macho and bad ass when giving instructions to the british security personnel, and they go and ruin the moment for you by answering "luv-ly".

* speaking of security...um, private event organizers,you were supposed to be a big prestigous group. so how come your "badges" looked like they were made by a high school printer and some plastic National Book Store ID holders?

* ah yes. tired, sleepy and hungry waiting outside a meeting room while trading war stories with other "controfficers". good times.

* i could NEVER do protocol at a signing ceremony. i'm klutzy and not good with my hands, and that blotting thing they do with the signatures looks like it needs surgeon-like dexterity. i can totally see myself smearing ink all over a world peace treaty while yelling "frak me!" on live television.

* it's late into the night. i get a call. the zombie event...is alive! and the call was coming...from inside the house!!!

DAY SIX

* filcom reception highlight no. 1: i get to see my basketball tournament co-organizers for the first time in formal wear instead of rocking the loud nylon tracksuits.

* filcom reception highlight no. 2: the embassy tracked down a pinay who won a prestiguous UK health services award and invited her to be one of the principal's guests of honor at the reception; the funny part was she didn't at first believe it when she received the phone call invitation, and it took several follow up calls from embassy senior officials to assure her she wasn't being "punk'd".

* filcom reception highlight no. 3: another world leader was billeted in our hotel and also held an event right next to the pinoy reception; needless to say, we absolutely CRUSHED the size and raucousness of their gathering. pinoys in the house!

* that being said, there's also something really cool about walking down a narrow hotel hallway together with other members of the philippine delegation (a "pino-ssé"?), running into another country's pack of officials, and having the two groups eyeball each other's flagpins and exchange subtle "'sup?" nods.

* filcom event over, time for more official calls including - cue dramatic organ music - zombie event! if this were an actual horror movie, this would be the part where the last surviving actor turns around in tears, faces the chasing monster, and screams "if you're gonna kill me, kill me! but i'm not running away anymore! i'm not running away!"

* and so zombie event - as with most horror movies - ends rather anti-climactically. hunh.

* now i get to go on a short educational tour. so students, tell me where i am right now: within a square-kilometer, i get to experience a summer-blockbuster...er...fictional literature overload made up of the drinking hangout of the "lord of the rings" and "chronicles of narnia" authors AND the place where they shot the "harry potter" dining hall scenes. correct answer gets a flagpin.

DAY SEVEN

* rockstars get booty calls; diplomats at the end of their trips get luggage calls. ugh. luggage collection usually comes very early in the morning, which means you have to get back to your room the previous night much sooner than you'd like so that you can finish packing. it also means you either have to stay awake until the luggage officers come to collect your bags, or just leave everything outside your door and say "frak it, i'm going to bed; bahala na yung mga pasalubong."

* wait a minute...what am i saying?...i live here now! i don't have luggage! mwahaha! collect the bags at 3am, embassy boys! loudly!

* before the visit ends, big shout out to the hotel for knowing their clients: the breakfast buffet didn't settle for the usual coffee and croissants spread; it actually had sinangag! not really that surprising since i saw a bunch of pinoy hotel chefs assembled during the filcom event, but still, sinangag on a cold london morning? luv-ly!

* as the delegation makes a beeline for the plane from the tarmac, the hugs, kisses and goodbyes from us embassy people walk the fine line between "it was so nice to see and work with you all again" and "please, go, and don't come back here too soon".

* and the coolest part of seeing off a delegation - you now have the whole fleet of rented high-powered cars at your disposal! well, just for the trip back from the airport anyway, but still, dibs on the audi!

* everyone from the embassy re-assembles at the secretariat for one last round of handshakes and back slaps for a successful visit. for myself, i was just so glad i had so many cool and experienced hands around me to help me survive my first big visit. left on my own, i might have collapsed like obi-wan's robe at the end of star wars (what? you knew a reference was coming!)

* after packing up the secretariat, everyone now goes off to celebrate - by heading back to the embassy for other official duties or going home to do laundry and errands. yep, after the exhausting and stressful events of the past week, those things count as a celebration. it's monday tomorrow, and regular work never looked so good.