MEME-ORIES, LIGHT THE CORNERS OF MY MIND. MESSY WATER COOLER MEME-ORIES....

While I've long advocated that the batch's annual around-the-world picture-picture should take place outdoors so that we can actually see what things look like, you know, around the world, I won't complain about this year's office mess meme-theme. It warmed my heart to see rooms were shambolic everywhere, and the corresponding crossfire comments on Facebook were sufficiently sarcastic and/or self-loathing to make me feel much better about my own squalor. Thanks, Batch!

Madrid

"My desk looks 'busy' because I haven't filed anything since 2011"
"Malamig? No heater?"

Singapore

"It is not my fault that IKEA had a pink-and-purple color theme going on the last time I went shopping for office decor."
"Ask your staff to give you folders only in purple"

San Francisco

"how does he get into his desk?"

"Pareho kami ng tanong. The answer: MAGIC!"

‎"With style. Always with style."

"Nagpose lang"

"I have to say - ang payat mo na. Nakakainis ka. Wag ka tatabi sa akin."

"I was more concerned about my pimple rather than what my desk looks like"

Canberra

"he looks serious"

"I've found that babies in the office are very useful for stamp and envelope moistening"

"With him at work, I have mastered how to type with one hand. Next time I rapporteur, I can bring him along."

"He hasn't aged a day (damn him)"

Islamabad

"Plantsadong plantsadong si mister. Wacky shot naman dyan!"

"Mahirap nang magpakuha ng wacky shot. Baka di na ako igalang ng local hire namin"

Vancouver

(no comments posted yet, but I would say that blue folder just plain gave up and burst its guts out)

Agana

"anlinis o!"

"totoo ba yan?"

"Maximalist painting! I remembered something from cadetship!"

Hong Kong

"I can understand the masks and the Palawan pic but a chicken on your desk??? what the.."

Dubai

"I am scarred by the thought that he actually has a Jacuzzi in his bathroom"

"I thought you were going to pose IN the jacuzzi"

"It's a picture of a bathtub, yet i feel so...dirty"

Athens (newly assigned batchmate first reporting for duty that day)

"Amoy pintura pa ba?"

London

"Because my desk's too messy to Plank, and because I want to see our Dubai batchmate Leisure Dive into his office jacuzzi"

O, 'di-Bow? Sa uulitin batch!

MORE ADVENTURES IN PRONUNCIATION!

It always makes me smile whenever the "Pronunciation Department" of a British media outlet calls up the Embassy and asks for help with a word or name (like they did here). It's great that they want to get things right and actually have a whole department just for this, and I like to imagine they also have a "Spelling Directorate", "Pleasantries Division" and "Smirk-Raised Eyebrow Joint Task Force".

Anyway, the name to be checked for the day was "Magtanggol". I of course gave them the proper pronunciation, but in my mind I sooooooo wanted to chant "DEE-Fense (clap clap) DEE-Fense (clap clap)" as my reply over the phone.

JUST WANNA HAVE FUN

You can tell a lot about a person, it seems, from how he/she reacted to the new DOT campaign. Try this little experiment: divide your facebook "friends" between those who took to it, those who held their peace, and those who reflexively screamed "faiiiilllllllllll!". What do you notice about everyone in the last group? Exactly.

Now just for kicks, unsubscribe - even for just a little while - from the updates of all those "friends" who fell over themselves rushing to hate on the campaign. See how your wall is suddenly lighter, brighter and, dare I say it, more fun!

Ah, yes, that phrase. New or not, I gauge its success by how the happier, more creative souls out there just brilliantly ran with it. There's now no shortage of "More Fun" albums and meme-makers -- there's even a geek version! (my favorites of the lot: the Moriones 300, the planking lechon, crowdsourcing Quiapo, and angry birds sabong). And, like Pringles or mani, once you start going through them, you just can't stop. It succeeds because it time-sucks!

Heck, once I found out what the new slogan was, I spent my hour-long tube ride to work zoning-out and dreaming of possible UK-reference versions:

• Picture of kids playing with salagubang: Beetlemania. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of the Puerto Princesa river: The Underground. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of a packed town plaza watching a Pacquiao fight: Boxing day. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of Cagayan caves: Limescale. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of a fully stocked Bulacan paputok store: Arsenal. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of bayanihan in action: Relocation, Relocation. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of palengke vendors calling customers: Girls Aloud. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of the tinikling: Double Yellow Lines. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of oblation run: University Challenge. More Fun in the Philippines.
• Picture of a celebrity Belo patient: Stiff upper lip. More Fun in the Philippines.

I ended up missing two stops making these! At naisingit ko pa ang medical tourism!

Are they corny? Sure. Did I look like a total doofus on the train talking to myself while thinking them up? Absolutely! Did I exceedingly enjoy the whole process? Hell, yeah! That's the whole point! Your mind is brought back over and over to a most happy and special place -- home!

So let the haters hate.

I'm having fun.

WHAT PARK OF NO DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

As you may have suspected, I'm kind of addicted to crack. Er, Cracked. Imagine my delight, then, when this recently came out.

The 6 Most Ridiculous Abuses of Diplomatic Immunity

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Evan V. Symon December 30, 2011 742,099 views

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All the FSO exam reviewer you'll ever need

Not that they've asked me to independently assess the validity of the claims in the article, but yes, yes, not always, yes but see below, awesome, and a bit more nuanced than that plus embassies aren't legally foreign soil.

Now obviously I wouldn't have any experience in kidnapping, killing or running casinos (as far as you know), but I do have some expertise in that which is far more more bad-ass, um, parking.

In congested central London, parking is a VERY big deal. And expensive. And confusing. Thus, the perkiest of perks diplomats in the city have are their diplomatic license plates and the dedicated parking spaces that love them.

Come to daddy

Now before y'all go message boarding Cracked asking them to hate on diplomats even more, know that in London: (a) embassies had to pay a lot for those spaces upfront; (b) no matter how many diplomats it may have, each mission can have only up to five parking spaces; and (c) parking may be free, but everyone can pay up to £120 (over P7,000) just for driving into the city.

(b) is actually kind of amusing in practice, as there are only a few hundred diplomatic parking spaces total around London, but there are several thousand diplomats who work in the city. (London, after all, likes to brag that it has the largest number of bilateral diplomats in the world) (not that there's anything wrong with that). So there's an unwritten agreement within the London diplomatic community that no one parks in another mission's slots during weekday office hours, but its Mad Max rules once the sun goes down. For us embassies located in the theatre district, this means strange (and often more bitchin') cars suddenly show up outside at night and take up our spaces.

Boss, boss! "D" plates! "D" plates!

We try to hit back at weekends by parking at other embassies located near bars and Harrods parks and museums. On those occasions when a car from one embassy makes the mistake of prematurely parking at another's, there's a lot of harrumphing, but ultimately an understanding that things have to be settled, well, diplomatically. What's funny is how different embassies go about it: some actually send formal Notes Verbale, others are perfectly fine with leaving handwritten post-it notes from the ambassador on the windshield.

(By the way, remember how I said each mission only gets five spaces? Guess where I rank within the Embassy? That's right, sixth!)

You will be mine. Oh yes, you will be.

Which brings us to (c) -- literally. Seriously, the circled "C" is one of the most despised symbols in London, as it stands for Congestion Charge, i.e. big money you immediately have to shell out if you decide to bring your car to work. So even though a diplomat may have a free parking space waiting for him at his embassy (if he's ranked higher than sixth, hmp), getting there can set him back at least £10 (i.e. P700) a day.

Look at it, just staring at you, like the eye of Sauron

Ah, but the infallible Cracked says drivers with diplomatic plates can choose to ignore those types of parking fines, adding "While most developed nations do try to pay them, most third world nations just don't care and don't even try." Well, to paraphrase Yakov Smirnoff, "in London, developed nations like Russia don't even try to pay you!" Yep, over here it's the biggest countries that owe the most unpaid Congestion Charges, a complaint that goes right to the top. Meanwhile, smaller countries (like everyone in ASEAN) duly and promptly settle all their charges. In fact, as newly appointed office concierge, it's part of my job to hunt down every embassy personnel who incurs a penalty, escorting them to an ATM or standing over them as they write a check if I have to. Like I said, I'm a parking bad-ass.

So how do the superpowers get away with not paying the London Congestion Charge? It comes down to legal semantics. The powers claim the Charge is actually a tax, and therefore diplomatic missions are exempt from payment under the Vienna Convention. London city authorities on the other hand say the Charge is exactly just that, akin to a toll that every road user would have to pay. It's tricky, and so far no court resolution appears in sight. It would take an extremely sharp legal mind to definitively settle the mess.

Fortunately, the word "lawyer" also appears on this blog's title, and in my years of legal study and practice, I know exactly where to look for answers.

7 Brilliant Movie Lawyers (Who Suck at Their Job)

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Chris Radomile December 08, 2011 786,444 views

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All the bar exam reviewer you'll ever need

Now THIS is diplomacy

The above is required viewing for all aspiring dorky diplomats out there. Note how the opposing and seemingly irreconcilable views are juxtaposed at the outset; how the mutually assured destruction scenario is then laid bare; and how the enlightened third way is finally proffered. Textbook.

Live long and laway

IT'S THE NEW YEAR. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR DIPLOMATS ARE?

I, for one, spent part of new year's eve on airport duty. I took consolation in the fact that: 1) I saw a LOT of cars with different diplomatic plates at the Heathrow parking lot that day, which meant many of my brethren were practising the art of airport sundo as well; 2) other diplomats may have been partying TOO hard over the holidays; and 3) you can spectacularly combine 1 and 2.