TRAVEL ADVISORY...NOT ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES

So one of my big pet peeves is when one country issues a “Travel Advisory” against another country, like when Country X warns its nationals about Country Y with a statement like “THE SKY IS FALLING!! THE SKY IS FALLING!!! WE’RE NOT SURE WHERE AND HOW, BUT – HOOO BOY!!! IT COULD BE A DOOZY!!! WELL, NO, Y’ALL DON’T HAVE TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW … WE’RE ACTUALLY NOT TOO SURE OF THINGS OURSELVES . . . WE THINK IT WILL BE IN A MONTH WITH AN “R” . . . BUT STILL . . . FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY . . . LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING!!! I MEAN, WE’VE SEEN THE AMBIGUOUSLY WORDED INTELLIGENCE REPORTS!!! THEY USED THE WORD “SUGGEST”, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!!....oh the humanity….”

You know, something subtle like that.

I know these advisories are well-intentioned, but a lot of times they’re exaggerated, not in the proper context, or just flat-out wrong.

In the meantime, Country Y can kiss hosting that international dentists convention goodbye.

My bigger pet peeve is when some know-it-all columnist, deejay, professor, talk-show mainstay, cab driver, etc actually rides on a Travel Advisory bandwagon and rags on his/her own country without so much as a fact check or an alternative solution, as if pure whining would cure all that ailed us.

My BIGGEST pet peeve . . . is Annabelle Rama, but that’s neither here nor there.

No, what really gets me is when some pompous, pretentious, portentous Filipinos get so into shallow-minded self-loathing that they haughtily use “Hay, naku…Only in the Philippines” (bonus peeve points if the blowhard smugly and self-satisfiedly says the phrase like he/she came up with it).

Because to me, if the height of your social insight is using “Only in the Philippines” to finish your commentary, then you’re on the same intellectual level (and circle of hell) as those people who think they win arguments by using “He-lloooo?”, “Nya-uh” or any other catchphrase they’ve seen on “Friends”.

Anyway, I’ve always daydreamed of a cheap local cable-access show where some likeable guys would humorously put things in perspective by calling out other countries that have problems all too familiar to Filipinos. I’d call it “Travel Advisory … NOT only in the Philippines” (in case I wasn't obvious enough). Think Daily Show meets Bubble Gang meets Wayne’s World (heck, maybe Tia Carrere herself can guest host; she says she’s Filipina).

The point of the show would not be to gloss over our very real troubles or knock other countries down, but just to get the “Only in the Philippines” crowd to – as my old law school classmate used to say – “Hey, relax; take a break; you don’t have to be an asshole all the time.”

I'll even get the ball rolling. Check out the following recent stories an “Only in the Philippines” peabrain would pounce on. Then click the link, and you may be surprised to see where the story actually came from.

* Garbage? We don't need your steenking garbage!

* Man, next thing you know, scrap metal thieves will start stealing stadium bleachers...oh, wait.

* Blackouts, heatwave, traffic, oh, my!

* Dengue. Your welcome.

* Rate low on those country corruption indexes? Apparently, it's just a matter of perspective.

* I've heard of pirate waters, but this is ridiculous.

* Squatter...meet police truncheon. Police truncheon...meet squatter.

* "Terror strike" sounds bad enough. But when the "terror" bit is actually an entirely separate story from the "strike", you know your country's having a bad news day.

* Scam scam bo-bam, banana bama bo-bam, fi fi fo fam. Scam!

* Carnap implies sleep, laziness even. We prefer the term carbirth.

(and don't go expecting Robocop to save your ass. He might be on the take too)

So how you doing? Could I BE any more peeved? I KNOW! Oh….my….Gawd!

IT'S SATURDAY, I MUST BE IN SINGAPORE

Or should I say, Ka-ching!apore?

Because - in the name of all that is Pirates of the Caribbean - this place is rich!

(BTW, if it turns out I invented "Ka-ching!apore", I'm claiming royalties)

They've built everything they need here in Ka-ching!apore TM from scratch, placed them neatly all over the city, refined and improved them over and over and over until . . .

Let me put it this way: When we we there in June, they were already using live jet aircraft and full fireworks during daily rehearsals for their National Day.

Which is in August.

That, my friends, takes some serious coin.

Speaking of coin, someone tell me if its OK to give money to street musicians here in Ka-ching!apore TM. I was walking along the river and passing under a bridge, a family of (possibly) locals walking just ahead of me, when I heard a man with a guitar and an open case singing Jim Croce's "I Had to Say I Love You in a Song". As I passed him, I happened to have my hand in my pocket and felt two small coins. Reflexively, I tossed the money in the guitar case (I mean, he was stylin' Jim Croce, man!), where it made a distinct clink when it hit other coins.

Well! The moment the clink sound resonated in the tunnel, the father and the mother of the family walking ahead of me spun their heads around and gave me absolute dagger looks. The mother, in particular, kept on glaring at me even as she kept walking. She looked like she could have walked straight into a lampost and still held her stare as if I were ripping heads off teddy bears.

Talk about awkward. But really, I just want to say to Ka-ching!apore TM: I came in peace! I meant no harm! I like your city! I really do!

Now, about those royalties...


View from our hotel. So-called "Durian" complex at left. I am all for naming buildings after fruit.


Sculpture called "The First Generation." (little known prequel to Star Trek: The Next ... oh, never mind)


The famous Singapore street food was as good as advertised. A diplomat gives his swig of approval.


The elongated skyscrapers along the river and against the blue sky reminded me of Chicago a lot (as if I know Chicago that well. I spent only 15 minutes on street level there when I was travelling by train to the West Coast. Still, I've seen a lot of "E.R.")


I'm thinking of starting a segment in this blog called "No matter where you are in the world...". The first entry: no matter where you are in the world, the bride will ask the bridesmaids to wear an unfortunate shade of powder blue.

That's it...make love to the camera...feel that lawn...look out for those ants...


Inside of our hotel. It's actually a converted post office, and looks a lot like Liwasan Bonifacio from the outside (but with a much better buffet)


Nice side event during this trip: I got to meet up with the LLDD's sister and her family for a birthday dinner. Huge burgers, great beer, good fun. Here, one of the LLDD's nephews attacks a mall fountain.


Photo of LLDD taken by the LLDD's sister. Obviously, she's also of the pack-as-many-landmarks-in-the-frame-even-if-everything-ends-up-tiny school of photography. Runs in the family, I guess.

The highlight of every trip abroad: meeting the compatriots. The PhilDel is always greeted like rockstars whenever it meets with the community, we bring pleasant news from back home, and a good time is had by all. Here, we rock out to the theme from "Pinoy Big Brother"

NEW OFFICIAL THEME SONG / VIDEO

It's like people actually make these videos with me in mind



It's good to be The Manny.

YOU DAMON!

So the LLDDL and I were walking through an upscale plaza after a family lunch, when a girl and two guys walked up to the LLDDL and made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

"Would you want to appear in a fashion magazine?" they ask.

"What took you so long?" she answered.

As with many girls, I suppose, the LLDDL had childhood dreams of walking runways, pouting for cameras, and otherwise developing eating disorders. So when she was approached for an impromptu photo shoot, she left treadmarks getting to her designated close-up spot.

I watched from the sidelines as the LLDDL absolutely LIT UP the camera, having great fun while she was at it.

It was such an enjoyable scene, I completely forgot to take a picture of it.

When the LLDD was through - after maybe 2 gigs worth of photos - the crew suddenly turned to me and asked "Would you want to appear too?"

well...

As with many boys, I suppose, the LLDD had childhood dreams of walking runways, pouting for cameras, and otherwise developing eating disorders. So when he was approached for an impromptu photo shoot ... how does "Atty. Zoolander, FSO IV" sound?

The LLDDL, being a better person than I, captured the moment for posterity. I didn't know exactly what I was doing, or what the guy with the car windshield reflector was for, but I think I did ok for a guy with chins in the multiple of threes.

Heck, I thought it was such a hoot I even tried a personal appearance trick they taught during cadetship where you fold your arms with palms outward and resting above the biceps (instead of underneath the armpits). I think we all agree . . . I look ridiculous.

Still, all in all, it was an ego-enriching experience. So it was just gravy when the very next day my cousin - who works in showbiz, mind you - texted my sister "Hey cuz! I just saw Oceans 13. Tell (me) he looks so much like Matt Damon! Cheers :)"

(head...swelling...chest...puffing...nostrils...flaring...)

To be honest, the LLDDL had mentioned an alleged resemblance long before my cousin texted, but I always thought she just wanted jewelry or something. My old office staff also said the same thing whenever they wanted me to approve their sick leaves. But this was the first time someone detached and impartial (and showbiz-y!) ever made the astute observation.

(BTW, I wonder what "Cat" makes of all this?)

When things subsided a bit - oh, about three weeks later - I immediately searched for an ideal Matt Damon pic for the blog masthead TO SUBTLY REMIND EVERYONE THAT SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK I RESEMBLE MATT DAMON. I could've picked one from the Ocean's trilogy, but thought Jason Bourne was a better fit because he goes from embassy to embassy and kicks ass.

POSTSCRIPT: There's still a chance we'll get to see how the LLDDL's shoot turned out. The photo crew remarked that she too looked like someone famous, i.e., the billionaire publisher of the magazine where our photos will (hopefully) appear. Judge for yourself:

The LLDDL

The Billionaire Publisher

I suppose being the lookalike of a billionaire publisher increases the LLDDL's chances of getting in a magazine, but it might also increase the risk of her getting kidnapped or something.

Of course, she could always call on Jason Bourne to rescue her.

IT'S WEDNESDAY, I MUST BE IN CHONGQING

OK, this was different.

Chongqing broke the mold of the Chinese cities that I’ve come to know. Instead of a flat grid layout, the whole city was unevenly built on steep slopes and ridges; instead of extensive landscaping, you had naturally lush countryside; instead of straight avenues and cross-streets, you got roads winding up and down and up hills; instead of an eye-level river peacefully running through the city center, you had a very deep dissecting valley, tamed only by a really high curving bridge, reminiscent of the one carrying the Hogwarts Express.

(I really gotta read more. These literary references are really lame)

It was just a shame that Chongqing was wrapped in rain and mist while we were there. In fact, there was a scheduled nighttime viewing of the city from a mountaintop platform that had to be cancelled because of poor visibility. I checked the internet, and we missed out on something spectacular. Darn. If only they placed those Chengdu hotel heated bathroom mirrors outdoors.

Some random observations

* They love dem their mah jong in Chongqing. Seemed like every other street shop had a game going.

* One thing Chongqing has in common with other Chinese cities: condos! Lots and lots and lots and lots of not-yet-finished-and-occupied condos! Housing boom? Try housing . . . umm . . . really BIG boom! (must . . . read . . . more)

*Considering China has one billion plus people, and Chongqing is one of the fastest growing cities in the world, the place – save for the downtown area – seems really roomy. As in there-must-be-one-condo-tower-for-every-person-you-see-on-the-street roomy (or everyone could just be inside playing mah jong).

Kinda looks like Manhattan, doesn't it? It actually reminds me of the scene in the Godzilla remake where the monster first comes out and attacks the New York fishermen.

Condos as far as the eye could see. Condos that lined the highway all the way from the far-flung airport to the city center. Condos so large they don't fit in my camera frame.

On the other hand, there was this strange sight. This skyscraper was on top of the tallest hill, with nothing else anywhere near it. It was like the architect was trying to test the storm gods and the "if-you-build-it-they-will-come" principle at the same time.

About the only building I saw with traditional architecture (well, to be more accurate, about the only building I saw from my hotel with traditional architecture)

Fortune Teller row. I had a bad experience with one once in Hong Kong. She told me I'd become rich someday because I had a big nose, then took out a ratty old book that showed famous rich people with big noses, such as Jimmy Durante.

Three things certain in life: death, taxes, and no matter where or how far you travel, your hotel will have a Filipina band.

Finally, while Chongqing people were very nice, there was this...um..."animated" woman at our hotel lobby. She carried on for more than 30 minutes. In hindsight, it her stamina was pretty impressive.

IT'S TUESDAY, I MUST BE IN CHENGDU

Yes! The travel cold-streak is over! I get to go back to the land of deep, profound meaning to the LLDDL… ShoeMart!

Well, to be more accurate, Chengdu. But it had a ShoeMart! And, of course, the PhilDel had to make a pilgrimage there (because, as you know, there are so few SM’s in the Philippines).

Actually, I didn’t get to go to the ShoeMart photo-op, nor get to see much of the city because of the very tight work schedule. Fortunately, Chengdu had the same just-out-of-the-box feel of the other Chinese cities that I went through the last time I visited (except Guilin, which was Tolkienesque). In fact, to save me the effort, lemme just copy and paste what I wrote during my previous trip:

"All the cities we passed through were up-and-comers, showing signs of rapid transition from rural past to modern present. You always start from a remote airport, take a new expressway through some farmlands, get lulled by some modest buildings and housing en route, then, without so much as a highway off-ramp, you find your road has cut through the city center. and you're now completely surrounded on all sides by high-rises, condos and convention centers. Seriously, you feel like an entire large city had tiptoed behind your car, tapped on the window, then yelled "SURPRISE!". And know this about Chinese cities...whether its on their buildings, their bridges or their road railings: they sure love their multicolored neon trimming."

Sounds about right.

PLACE KINDA REMINDS ME OF: Nanning, which reminded me of Nanchang, which kinda looked like Xiamen.

I like this shot. It's the VIP table for the official luncheon, but looks like an elaborate wedding cake from the balcony. Those gray seats at the outermost ring are for the translators (or, as we like to call them, "The Minister Whisperers")

Well, I'll be! The hotel got dem one of dem heated bathroom mirror thingies that don't fog up in the center! (they were very practical, but it was a bit startling to step out of the shower and see a perfectly clear rectangle in the middle of a steamy bathroom, like someone was just in there and wiped the mirror. It felt like that urban legend where you turn off the bedroom light and see glow-in-the-dark "I'm in the house" lettering on the ceiling)

Sound advice

(click on the picture to see the full message)

BACK-TO-SCHOOL

No, I’m not talking about the return of Roy Hibbert (hey-brr-t! hey-brr-t!) to Georgetown for his senior year, although that’s most welcome.

(Jeff Green, on the other hand, goes out like a punk)

I’m talking about something as pointless – but far less entertaining – as “Tommy Lee Goes Back to College”.

I’m talking “The LLDD is Made to Go Back to Cadetship.”

Flashback to January 2006. It’s supposed to be the last day of my batch’s six-month long cadetship. A public ceremony is arranged. Senior Officials are invited. Parents have cameras at the ready.

So what happens? The new head of the “Institution” – who up to that point had never met or talked to the batch - takes the stage to proudly announce that 75% of the batch ain’t graduating.

Including moi.

Seems there’s this minimum attendance requirement that most of my batch missed. You have to be present at least 80% of the time per module, or you don’t get a certificate of completion.

Fair enough, except: (a) some modules were as short as 3 days, so if you happen to be absent for just one day, it’s mathematically impossible to reach 80% for that module; (b) no consideration was made for sickness, emergencies, or even official work assignments; (c) the “Institution” let the rule slide in previous years, including for a couple of officers who have since been promoted.

I fell under “(d) all of the above.” I was absent just one day out of the entire six-month cadetship to stay at a hospital overnight, and had been a model cadet up to that point. Many other batchmates had similar legitimate reasons for missing some classes: their wedding day, an ill wife, an appendectomy, urgent work for the Department itself.

But noooooooooooo……….

Not only were we not excused, we were put down in public for it. At our very own graduation, we were told we were “arrogant”, we were “shameful” and – my favorite – we had "low E.Q.”

(because, as everyone knows, when you think of having an appendectomy, you think “how might this affect my E.Q. score?”)

But life had to go on, so certification of completion or not, the batch had to report for duty the following day to our respective office assignments. There – if I may say so myself – we did a damn fine job and got called up to do some of the most substantive and important work for the Department.

Meanwhile, the “Institution” went on to pick-and-choose when to invoke our non-graduation for purposes of withholding perks like scholarships, travel assignments and postings. Some of my batchmates who didn’t graduate were able to attend prestigious events and/or get posted (and we absolutely couldn’t be happier for them), while others had their travel requests denied solely because they lacked a certificate of completion. In other words, the non-graduation thing was held over our heads for the past year, and would continue to be held over our heads until we re-took the module we missed.

To recap for those keeping score, the batch was qualified and competent enough to hold essential positions and carry out vital functions within the Department, but still needed to attend a classroom lecture to provide an overview of those same essential positions and vital functions that we already held and carried out over the past year.

But wait, there’s more.

The module that I needed to do-over was conference diplomacy, or basically how to organize a successful meeting. My fellow re-takers from the batch included: the Director of the Busiest Frontline Office in the Department; the Deputy of the Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit; and the Presidential Protocol Officer who’s worked in Malacañang for more than 25 years and personally served five Presidents.

Slackers! Ne’er-do-wells! What a buncha bums! You can’t possibly know anything about conference management! Not without this PowerPoint presentation you have to sit through!

Anyway, that’s my fate for one week. I’m sitting in the cadetship of the new batch of officers, and I’ve decided to rip-off other blogs and keep a running diary throughout the module. If the entries seem unexciting and unnecessary, well, you must have low E.Q. too.


Day 1

9:00 (sharp) – “Conference” is defined. And we’re off!

9:15 – The speaker seems a bit strict. I’m told by the new officers that he’s already gotten upset during earlier lectures at people who looked at him funny or sat in their chair wrong. I must admit, I’m nervous.

9:40 - We discuss what a “Non-Paper” is. I always giggle at these foreign service oxymorons, like “Note Verbale” and “Chair of the Standing Committee”.

10:05 – I feel a bit stiff, so I try to cross my legs and – nooooooo! the speaker sees me mid-cross! He’s gonna call me!

10:06 – Phew! The Speaker tells me my answer is “partially correct.” It’s like checking into a game, getting fouled hard, and splitting free throws. I can live with that.

10:17 – The G-77 is made up of 134 countries. Of course it is.

10:45 - The module’s first ever coffee break! I used to love these! My batchmates would all race to the cadets’ lounge and check our fantasy teams and, depending on the day's results, would or would not go back to class on time (or, at all).

11:15 - Session resumes. The speaker says something along the lines “Before, diplomacy was done by aristocracy. Now, any hoi polloi with a brain can do it, even without the breeding.” So there.

11:30 – Briefing begins on our Simulation Exercise for this module. We’re having . . . a Mock U.N. Conference! Just like grade school!

11:45 - Oops! Got caught talking across the room with my batchmate and Director of the Busiest Frontline Office in the Department. We both get shushed by the speaker. Fair enough but …

11:46 – …he goes on to say something about cadetship being handed on a silver platter, and calls out my batchmate for not having a certificate of completion. I had 10:30 in the office pool for when someone would bring out our non-graduation during class.

12:00 – Break for lunch. It’s not as much fun as before, because now I have to go back up to my office to work on the things that have piled on my desk while I’m attending this module.

1:30 – And we’re back. The new speaker for the afternoon is more factual and straightforward. Very procedural and wonky, and yet not boring to me. I need a life.

2:15 – Apparently this actually happens in international conferences: Country A makes a statement disparaging its nemesis Country B. Country B invokes its Right of Reply, but sends its most junior officer to speak so as to demean the significance of Country A. Hehehe. I think that’s great. My new life ambition is to be that junior officer who demeans everyone by his mere presence.

2:47 – There really is such a thing as an amendment to the amendment to the amendment to the amendment.

3:15 – We end early! Woo-hoo!! Now I can go out and . . . oh, I forgot. I have real work now. Dammit. Cadetship isn’t fun anymore. And I have three more days of this. (grumble)

Day Two

9:00 – The speaker for the morning, a senior official at the Department, recognizes me and my batchmates. He immediately says my batchmate, The Deputy of the Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit, could give the lecture herself. Haughty smirks from me and my batchmates. Good start to the day.

10:08 – Lecture turns into more of a Q and A. We might finish this lecture early as well. If we do, do I tell my office upstairs?

10:09 – Naaah.

10:23 – The speaker now asks us questions. He wonders aloud why my batch doesn’t apply for the scholarships available within the Department. Heck, he’s imploring my batch to apply for the scholarships, saying this is the best thing we can do for ourselves and the Department. He even names the exact scholarship that some of my other batchmates applied for but were denied because of their non-graduation. My batchmate re-takers in the room all move from haughty smirk to mocking cackle. The “Institution” can’t be enjoying this.

10:37 – Yep. Finished early again. Back in the day, we’d head straight to the mall and open the moviehouses. Now … sigh.

1:25 - The next speaker is The Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit herself. She sees me and my batchmate re-takers and asks – audible to the "Institution" and to everyone else – “Why are you here?” Our mocking cackle is now an outright evil chortle.

3:56 – The speaker describes the goosebump moment when she first uttered the words “On behalf of my country, our position is …” Now I’m torn. I want to someday say those words, but I don’t want to give up my lifelong dream of being a demeaning junior officer.

4:30 – That went by fast. The speaker was very good. No wonder she’s The Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit.

Day 3

(for private – but valid – reasons, I have to skip out parts of the morning lecture. I realize I’m tempting fate here, and might end up having to take this module a third time)

1:00 – Back in time for the full afternoon session. Movies! Well, no, actually, just a DVD showing of the ASEAN summit. Still, very cool to see how well the summit events look on film. If only there were commentaries on how things were behind the scenes.

1:01 – Oh, wait. That’s the whole agenda for the afternoon. War stories from those who were actually on the ground at the summit. I really should read the module program. Carry on.

2:10 – I knew it! The summit was postponed in December because of the weather, and the weather only! I . . . TOLD … YOU … SO!!! (doing a little happy dance)

3:25 – Ah, Summit war stories. Can’t get enough of them. I wish one of the panel would ask me to share my summit experiences with the class. It mean, it seems a bit unbecoming if I have to promote my blog in front of everyone without prompting. Just ask me already. I’m a good speaker.

4:00 - So close. Volunteered to tell a great story relevant to the discussion, but it involved someone else in the room, who refused to let me share it. It would have killed. So very close.

4:30 – Session ends without me getting to talk. Maybe Letterman will have me.

Day 4

9:00 – Simulation day! We get to fake it!

9:01 - I immediately notice that only me and my batchmate re-takers are dressed in formal conference-appropriate attire. Seems the new batch of officers pulled a prank on us. Well played.

9:10 – Election of conference officers. Even though I represent a prosperous, developed country, and there are four vice-chairmanships, I don’t get picked for anything. Just like high school.

9:19 – In school, you signal you want to say something by raising your hand. In international conferences, you signal by placing your country nameplate in a vertical position (picture). More dignity and less display of arm flab that way.

9:48 - Everyone reads the country statements they prepared. I must say, I’m impressed. Quality work from everyone (although the 3-minute limit means many didn’t stop for breath through their statement).

10:51 – Hehehe After nearly two hours of discussions, turns out no one is sure what the mock conference is really about. Are we cutting carbon emissions, or are we reducing oil consumption?

10:52 – Someone makes the brilliant suggestion that we read the title of the mock conference. The mock conference has a title?

10:53 – Yep. “The Manila Conference on the Reduction of Carbon Emissions”. There you go.

10:59 - So of course, the speaker says we should work on a draft declaration to reduce oil consumption.

11:00 – Sad part is, this is how things are done in real conferences.

11:45 – Speaker tells us we now have to work things out on our own. He’ll be back at 2:30, and we better have something.

12:00 – Naturally, with such high stakes and limited time, my batchmates head to McDonald’s for lunch. We’ll be back at 1:00. Hard to save the world on an empty stomach.

1:00 – We come back to find negotiations started without us. Just as well. I’m still bitter about not getting elected to anything.

1:32 – I like this batch of new officers. Their comments are in point, they’re polite yet firm, and they stay in character. Makes for lively negotiations. My batch, on the other hand, basically dropped their country hats the moment the speaker went out the door, gave drafting chores to the one who came in late, then all took a nap.

2:06 – Hmmm….this is turning into a not-as-good version of “Lord of the Flies”, or a dull episode of “The Apprentice.” Everyone has an opinion, but we’re not getting any closer to an agreed text. But I’m not giving up hope. I bet things all fall into place around 2:29, when everyone realizes the speaker will be coming back at any moment. Let’s see if anyone hangs on to any principles then.

2:29 – Viola! Negotiated agreement reached! Unbending principled stance, what unbending principled stance?

3:05 – Speaker goes over what we made line by line. A quibble here and there, but otherwise, I think we passed.

3:33 – Yep. Good enough. Handshakes and back-slapping all around. We just solved global warming.

3:34 – Well, no, not really.

3:58 – A big deal is made that The Deputy of the Organizer of the Entire ASEAN Summit and I have completed this module and have therefore concluded our cadetship. We receive our certificates of completion - which misleadingly states that our cadetship took a year-and-a-half to finish - and are told we are now eligible for foreign assignments.

4:00 – Chortle

AND I THANK YOU...FOR BRINGING ME HERE

I wasn't really looking for one, but I think I found this Blog's official theme song/video. It brings together my affinity for 80's bands (lame) and sci-fi shows (dorky), while subtly alluding to the "travel-to-far-off-and-strange-lands-only-heightens-one's-sense-of-home" undercurrent of the foreign service, as well as the "destruction-of-the-human-race-is-imminent" theme of the legal profession.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: "Scenes from Battlestar Galactica set to Depeche Mode's 'Home'"

If it were up to me, every career diplomat's retirement party would have this montage. And karaoke.

COME AND SEE...VICTORY...IN A LAND CALLED FANTASY

So what title am I most proud of, LL or DD?

Try MMBFBLC.

That’s MetroManilaBalls Fantasy Basketball League Commissioner, punk.

Founded in 2003 following a perfect storm of high-speed office internet, work boredom, and sudden incapacity to play real sports, MetroBalls became an instant phenomena and grew from a humble 15 original teams to the current . . . um … 12. A global hit of Idol proportions, the league has hosted teams from Manila to Subic to Bacolod to Singapore to Houston (at least, that what the manager profiles say; they could all just be a 10 year-old geek from downstairs messing with me).

A few things about Fantasy Sports in general:

*It will forever pervert the way you follow sports. You no longer track the win-loss record of your favorite childhood team; you now stalk strange players who can stuff stat sheets. You don’t root for good guys to have great games; if they’re not in your fantasy line-up, you hope they get injured, suspended or – utter joy! – arrested. And yahoofantasysports replaces victoriassecret.com as your most visited website (well, at least until the off-season).

*For something so inherently useless and trivial, you invest way too much of yourself emotionally in your fantasy team. You stress over every add/drop decision, get irrationally smug after a weekly victory, and take every trade rejection personally (you don’t want to deal with me anymore? can we talk? was it something i said? can we still trade sometime? is it me?).

*Once you start, you can’t get enough hits of fantasy sports. It’s like internet crack. I introduced MetroBalls to my batchmates at the start of cadetship and, needless to state, none of those who joined graduated. Absences shot up, research time was squandered, families were ignored, yet the League Home Page was filled with trades and transactions throughout the day. There literally were dark-alley deals made (hey man, you got a point guard? c’mon hook me up, you know Dampier’s good for it)

*If you want to see something really sad, scroll through the list of private leagues at the start of every season and check out the thousands of “1 out of 12 teams filled” with matching desperate “Hi! Please join my fun league!” post from the commissioner. It’ll break your heart.

Anyway, MetroBalls has had all the excitement and drama of a real NBA season. You name it: trash talking, draft day blunders, season-opening giddiness, trade controversies, furious finishes. All that’s missing is an Artest-type brawl and rap album (although there’s still time).

There’s even been a mini-dynasty of sorts. Since the league’s inception, my bro-in-law has placed 1st, 1st, 2nd and 1st (my delinquent batchmate AC the only other champion; awarding ceremonies at right). Meanwhile, I haven’t even sniffed 4th place.

Even the LLDDL has gotten in on the action. Despite drafting and dropping players based on looks rather than vertical leap, the LLDDL has ranked higher than me in each of the years that she’s been part of the league. And I was really trying!

(excuse me a sec...

aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok)

Strangely, I do better in Fantasy Football, Baseball and Soccer where I don’t know the players and teams as much (that should tell me something). I still haven’t won The Big One in any sport, but I have a couple of second and third place trophies to show off, and even entered some playoffs as a top-seed. Sooner or later, however, my low non-basketball IQ just shows up, and then I get blown out of the water.

But just like real-life also-rans, I always believe in next year. I’m drafting 3rd (Wade?) this time, another year wiser. I’ll do my research, crunch the numbers, and keep telling myself: “Walter Hermann can’t possibly have another good season for the LLDDL’s fantasy team and social life, can he?”

Can he?!?

The LLDDL's 2008 First Round draft pick

HOYAS NO MOYA / UP WITH U.P.

(this was a charge, by the way)

So anyway, Jeff Green goes M.I.A., the bench plays like it's shooting from a blimp, white kids start paying homage in rap, and Georgetown finally gets bounced out of the Big Dance.

The most fun I've had following an NCAA tournament - by far.

Again, when you attend Georgetown and have only the weight and wisdom of Mike Sweetney to look forward to, you cherish things like a Final Four appearance, whatever the outcome.

Meanwhile, my real law school doesn't quite dominate the bar results released today. No worries. It's genuinely nice to see big and small schools from all over the country have a wide open race for the top every year (a dorky kind of March Madness!). Besides, U.P. Law always has a great run, puts out real-world ready lawyers, and has not one but TWO Bb. Pilipinas titlists on its alumni mailing list. How do you like them apples?

(Zorah Andam and Theresa Licaros. Beauty Queens + U.P. Law = World Peace)

To recap, I missed out on Final Four quality teams while at Georgetown Law and Ms. Philippines calibre co-eds while at U.P. Law

This can only mean one thing: when I'm finally posted and sent away, the Home Office will hire a Scarlet Johannsen look-alike to head the legal division who can dunk and shoot the three.

(the next Undersecretary for Legal Affairs?)