A NEW HOPE

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....uh, I last posted on this blog.

But with good reason!! Indeed, few things in my life are significant enough to stop me from blogging yet update my facebook status. And this is one of them.

Behold, then!...The LLDD-Hyphen-L and I...now...have...a SPAWN!

(er, baby!)

Now, realizing many of my brethren dorks may not know how babies are born (and, ahem, made), I owe it to them to explain the whole padawan acquisition process in - what else - Star Wars terms.

(Cue my music!)

Some nine months ago, "Vader" "boarded" "the Princess'" "blockade-runner"

(the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I were, um, into role-reversal back then)

Note: it is perfectly natural for "Vader" to fall asleep right after "boarding"

Like the first time you see Darth Maul's double-edged light saber, you squeal in excitement when you find TWO lines attached to your stick

(no fools, I made two pshfwwwuuuummmmm sounds when I saw the lines; I don't think I should have waved the stick around like a saber, though)

Commander, the scanners are detecting a lifeform

With a high midi-chlorian count!

In preparation for your new life journey, look to purchase a good land speeder from among the thousands of high-tech (and staggeringly expensive) models.

Note that since the XP-38 came out, yours might not be in demand. But it will be enough.

Over the next nine months, assemble a stomach Death Star (with cloaking device!)

I swear, there were a thousand times when the LLDD-Hyphen-L would be seated behind a desk or facing away from me or something, and I'd completely forget she was pregnant until she turned to her side. Like seeing the Imperial fleet suddenly coming out of lightspeed, I'd yell "Aiiiiiigh!!! Where'd that come from?!!"

Speaking of lightspeed, in the same way you can't emerge from it too early so as to alert the rebels of your arrival, in the UK you won't be admitted into the hospital if they think you've called up too soon about going into labour. In either instance, you proceed to attack the base anyway.

"You've failed me for the last time, receptionist"

You may actually be sent back home a few times; in which case, your trips to the hospital follow the mood-arc of the entire Original Trilogy

Trip 1/A New Hope -- Fun and exciting, everything new a joy to experience

Trip 2/Empire Strikes Back -- Dark, painful and bitin

Trip 3/Return of the Jedi -- Success and relief, thanks to the ewoks/epidural

As for the moments leading to birth -- it's all a bit icky to describe, actually. Just put it this way: Star Wars Nerds and Moms alike will TOTALLY get it when I say, "The approach will not be easy. You are required to manoeuvre straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction..."

Also, "Wedge" plays a very key role.

But in the end, all the fear, anger, pain and suffering disappear once you're handed that beautiful little creature swaddled in robes

And just as George Lucas is asked non-stop about sequels, you as a new parent will henceforth endlessly hear from everyone, "Sundan na kagad!"

Perhaps. But first, we will watch this one's career "with great interest"

AT EVERY WEDDING, THERE HAS TO BE AN AGAW EKSENA GROUP AND THEIR "WACKY" POSES

We are honoured to carry on this great Philippine tradition.

sorry Pippa, taken na 'yan

THE ART OF THE AIRPORT SUNDO

Long weekends and holidays in Manila mean a chance for many to fly off and visit different destinations around the world. Long weekends and holidays for FSOs in said destinations mean having to receive those people who've flown off from Manila. Now, travelling to and fro airports on pick-up duty can be a tiring and time-consuming task, but here are a few things I've learned along the way that may help take the edge off.

All this was avoidable, John

1) Get to the airport early...but not TOO early

Say you have to receive a visitor who's scheduled to arrive at 3pm. How early should you leave work and arrive at the airport? If you say, "there is no right answer, you had me at 'leave work' " -- congratulations! On the one hand, long-haul flights can make up a lot of time mid-air and actually land hours ahead of schedule (and believe me, there is no more stomach-wrenching moment than driving up to an airport and seeing your visitor's flight number as already "Arrived" up on the big-screen; you find religion that very instant).

On the other hand, no matter how early you get to an airport, you won't know what gate (or sometimes even terminal) your visitor's flight will arrive at until close to the plane's actual touchdown. For huge, sprawling airport complexes like those in London and Hong Kong, this is a very big deal. If you set up in one place too soon then learn of a different point of arrival, you have to relocate all your pang-sundo transports, go through a whole new set of security checks, run against the direction of the walkalators, etc.

My suggestion: look to arrive at an airport no more than 45-minutes ahead of a flight's ETA. This way, you won't have to stand around too long waiting for the plane to pull up, so you'll still have energy to run through the miles of gates if you have to.

Not pictured: the other goddamn 65

2) Dress for success (and easy searches)

Did I mention you're going to have to do all of the above mentioned running in full business attire? Yes, yes you are. You can't be receiving people looking like a slob or a jologs. When your VIP steps out of the plane, he/she is fully expecting a proper-looking Pinoy welcome.

Thing is, dressing up is not entirely compatible with getting through security quickly. While your VIP visitor may be high-level enough to be whisked through screenings, your sorry-ass very much has to strip and de-shoe. And every second counts when there are motorcades waiting outside.

Clooney knows what I'm talking about 

But you don't have to resort to Up in the Air-type profiling to get through security lines as fast as possible. All you need is some sensible dress-planning: wear loafers instead of lace ups; remove your belt and place in it your bag in advance; instead of searching for your keys, wallet, watch, jewelery, change, cellphone etc. from different locations on your person, place them all ahead of time in one inner pocket of the jacket/coat that your going to send through the scanner.

Break out the "special" pants from your honeymoon if you have to

And one more thing -- that airport badge that allows you special access around the place may look cool to you, but it looks like any regular staff I.D. to everyone else. So wear and flaunt it for all to see if you think it makes you look bad ass, just be prepared to answer a thousand "Excuse me, where's the duty-free bathroom?" questions from all the arriving passengers.

3) It's the car. VIPs dig the car.

So you receive a communication that says just two people are arriving at your post. Fine, you think, you can all fit in nicely in the regular Embassy car, maybe even play a little Spandau mix tape to get things comfortable. WRONG! (except the Spandau mix tape part). Never automatically assume a one person-to-one car seat space ratio. You have to find out ahead of time how long your visitors are staying at your post, where are they going once they arrive, who are they meeting up with and what do they need for that meeting -- basically as much information as you can gather to indicate how much luggage your visitors might be hauling along.

True story: during one of the foreign trips described in this here gem of a blog, I was tasked with being advance party/bearer of traditional gifts. This meant I was travelling on my own and arriving really early in the morning, hours ahead of the main party. The post receiving me apparently did not put that much thought into my arrival (and I can't blame them), so they sent two staff members in a small car to pick me up. Imagine their shock when I stepped out of the airport with three large trunkloads of official materials and presents. The trunks wouldn't fit in the car's trunk, and since there were three of us taking up seats (plus my own luggage), there was no more space left inside the car. That left the outside. Specifically, the roof.

Now, I may have failed high school physics (kaya nga nag-abogado, eh), but even I knew trunks would fall off the roof of a car the moment it left first gear. The trunks had to be tied down somehow, except we didn't have anything resembling rope in the car. After searching through the trunks, we found...a "Mabuhay!" cloth streamer meant to greet the main party arriving later in the day. It would have to do. One last problem though: the streamer wasn't quite long enough; it only went far enough to go out the car window one on side, over the top of the trunks on the roof, and back into the window on the other side -- about a foot too short for the ends to meet and make a secure knot.

And so, at 3 o'clock in the morning on a desolate highway in the middle of nowhere, an Embassy car with valuables on its roof travels at 10 kph (5 when rounding curves), while inside a desperate FSO holds on to two ends of a "Mabuhay!" streamer for dear life.

And all because an embassy wasn't aware what ride befits the LLDD

SOME MIND BLOWING "ADJUSTMENT BUREAU"-LIKE STUFF JUST WENT DOWN

(alternate title: "It's Been A While Since I Last Linked Myself to Matt Damon")

Follow me down this rabbit hole, if you dare.

1) Out of the blue, a London daily publishes an article singing the praises of a spa resort in Palawan.

2) By complete coincidence, the night before that paper came out, the Embassy hosted the launch of a children's fantasy book that was set in and inspired by the author's stay at the very same island featured in the article.

3) Unbeknownst to us, one of the visitors at the book launch that night was a Filipina-British actress . . .

4) . . . famous for playing a Filipina-British nurse on a popular drama series . . .

5) . . . whose first 0:15 seconds of dialogue might sound familiar, because a certain blogger wrote the following over a year ago:

DAY TWO* getting several media inquiries about the events, but nothing matches a bbc call from a while back. the producers of the drama "holby city" phoned me to ask what's tagalog for "lots of love". apparently a pinoy character was calling home and that was her goodbye. i struggled for a minute (you try it!) and just said the closest thing we got was "ingat" or "mahal ko kayo". it was either that or the jologs "love lots".

6) . . . a blogger that in his dreams bears a striking resemblance to the star of a just-released fate/coincidence/cause/effect-themed movie described as " 'Bourne' meets 'Inception' "

I just "Bureau"-ed your mind.

SECOND ANNIVERSARY NA NAMIN 'TO CHONG

For those of you keeping track, you know that the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I mark the 2nd year of our wedded bliss right about this time of the year. (actually, if you've been keeping track of that....Stop it! Stop it right NOW! IT'S CREEPY!!!) So what's the secret to enduring happiness? Well, if you get the 80s reference in this post's title, you'll get that marriage is all about compromise -- especially come anniversary time. For our own weekend celebrations, for instance, the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I....

Watched something that only the Husband could possibly have enjoyed:

more than qualifies

Did some things both the Husband and Wife thoroughly liked:

To wit, dinner at Jamie Oliver's Italian restaurant. . .

note: compromise doesn't include the wife sharing the Jamie Oliver dessert with you

. . . then the award winning and critically acclaimed play Clybourne Park, a squirm-in-your-seat comedy of the highest "Oh no, s/he did NOT just say THAT!" order. (particularly watch out for the devastating "How is a [certain demographic] like a [certain hygiene product]" line.

for added fun, look around you as that line is delivered and observe which groups seem deeply offended and which groups appear to be wetting their pants in laughter.

And lastly, tried something that in a MILLION years only the Wife would have thought of:

how can something so wrong feel so.....WRONG

As if to affirm the trials the LLDD-Hyphen-L went through, the BBC soon reported that playing footsie with Nemo might not be the best thing out there. Did I mention the place offers similar therapies for the whole body? Um, yeah, they do.

Needless to state, for next year's anniversary weekend, we won't be ordering the fish at Jamie's.