PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

Not really not really not really.

You were made to understand by media that office Christmas parties were surefire occasions to go wild, get plastered and - dare you say - hook up.

You were, however, assigned to the Home Office in real life. So what you get instead is a meaningful flag-raising ceremony, a Department choir lending a festive air to the normally staid Home Office lobby, and a totally serviceable puto, bibingka and suman spread.

Still, Hollywood promised debauchery, dammit!

So I head over to my sub-office's own private get-together (or, as I deluded myself into calling it, the "afterparty"). Unfortunately, that shindig was just as tranquil and I didn't even need to take any video/pictures. The highlight of the event (since I struck out on all the door prizes) was the creative kris-kingle where each participant identified himself/herself through song lyrics. Now, if y'all thought it would be easy to guess and match song choices to personality types, y'all obviously have never met our soft-spoken, straight-laced, super-religious staffmember and her rendition of Bon Jovi's "Bed of Roses"!

But I still have one last chance at decadence. That evening, the Batch remnants and vacationers (a whooping five of us) plus the LLDDL have a special Christmas dinner. What makes its special is that, for the first time ever, the O.D.A. tradition is onerously utilized by batchmates. What's O.D.A.? Officially, it means "Official Development Assistance". Unofficially, its a peer-pressure/guilt -trip/blackmail synergy those still assigned at the Home Office lay on those already at post in order to finance the season's eatings. A "magpa-cheeseburger ka naman" for the holidays, if you will.

I never previously invoked O.D.A. and I really didn't know what the mechanics were, so I just jokingly tossed the idea out in an earlier e-mail. Lo and behold, several batchmates came through! A Western Union remittance here, a foreign currency bill in the mail there. Well alright! Make it rain!

Of course, with great generosity comes great bitchiness. "Do we really trust Manny to receive the ODA????" meows one batchmate. The correct answer, of course, is "No, no we don't." But still.

And once us O.D.A. beneficiaries got a taste, there was no stopping. Soon, sights were greedily turned on a batchmate who was still at the Home Office, but who did recently receive a small bump in allowances. Not that there was big money involved, but we had to wet our beaks a little, know what I'm sayin'?

Needless to say, said batchmate could not refuse. "Well, because I now have the CLOUT of an acting director AND the MONEY to go with it, sige, sagutin ko na nga from my rata whatever di kayang i-cover ng whatever LITTLE CHANGE batchmates from abroad can offer... (Manny, Grace, Jollibee venue natin ha... bigyan din natin lahat ng dessert, saka go-large lahat ng drinks... i'm sure the indigents [batchmates] will be very impressed... )".

Good man.

And so we dined like Kings (if Kings dined along Pasay road).

Funny thing about O.D.A, apparently not only do "donors" willingly comply, they're actually sentimental about it. The bill above, for instance, was sent with the handwritten note "I have one request -- take pictures and send them to us via e-mail, Facebook, Friendster, etc. Wish I were there."

Yeah, yeah. Next time, send over a C-note, ok? Great.

Heck, us O.D.A. beneficiaries got cocky and money-drunk among ourselves. Here "Siouxsie" and "Shtar" inspect the LLDDL's engagement rock to see if it meets their standards (prior to O.D.A., tawas would have met their standards)

(speaking of the LLDDL, I still have no idea what's going on at her office)

All told, there was no real depravity and immorality in any of of the day's three parties. Oh well. I just kept on telling myself, "What truly matters at Christmas is the time you spend with family and friends."

And if you believe that, I have some O.D.A. to ask from you.