PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

Not really not really not really.

You were made to understand by media that office Christmas parties were surefire occasions to go wild, get plastered and - dare you say - hook up.

You were, however, assigned to the Home Office in real life. So what you get instead is a meaningful flag-raising ceremony, a Department choir lending a festive air to the normally staid Home Office lobby, and a totally serviceable puto, bibingka and suman spread.

Still, Hollywood promised debauchery, dammit!

So I head over to my sub-office's own private get-together (or, as I deluded myself into calling it, the "afterparty"). Unfortunately, that shindig was just as tranquil and I didn't even need to take any video/pictures. The highlight of the event (since I struck out on all the door prizes) was the creative kris-kingle where each participant identified himself/herself through song lyrics. Now, if y'all thought it would be easy to guess and match song choices to personality types, y'all obviously have never met our soft-spoken, straight-laced, super-religious staffmember and her rendition of Bon Jovi's "Bed of Roses"!

But I still have one last chance at decadence. That evening, the Batch remnants and vacationers (a whooping five of us) plus the LLDDL have a special Christmas dinner. What makes its special is that, for the first time ever, the O.D.A. tradition is onerously utilized by batchmates. What's O.D.A.? Officially, it means "Official Development Assistance". Unofficially, its a peer-pressure/guilt -trip/blackmail synergy those still assigned at the Home Office lay on those already at post in order to finance the season's eatings. A "magpa-cheeseburger ka naman" for the holidays, if you will.

I never previously invoked O.D.A. and I really didn't know what the mechanics were, so I just jokingly tossed the idea out in an earlier e-mail. Lo and behold, several batchmates came through! A Western Union remittance here, a foreign currency bill in the mail there. Well alright! Make it rain!

Of course, with great generosity comes great bitchiness. "Do we really trust Manny to receive the ODA????" meows one batchmate. The correct answer, of course, is "No, no we don't." But still.

And once us O.D.A. beneficiaries got a taste, there was no stopping. Soon, sights were greedily turned on a batchmate who was still at the Home Office, but who did recently receive a small bump in allowances. Not that there was big money involved, but we had to wet our beaks a little, know what I'm sayin'?

Needless to say, said batchmate could not refuse. "Well, because I now have the CLOUT of an acting director AND the MONEY to go with it, sige, sagutin ko na nga from my rata whatever di kayang i-cover ng whatever LITTLE CHANGE batchmates from abroad can offer... (Manny, Grace, Jollibee venue natin ha... bigyan din natin lahat ng dessert, saka go-large lahat ng drinks... i'm sure the indigents [batchmates] will be very impressed... )".

Good man.

And so we dined like Kings (if Kings dined along Pasay road).

Funny thing about O.D.A, apparently not only do "donors" willingly comply, they're actually sentimental about it. The bill above, for instance, was sent with the handwritten note "I have one request -- take pictures and send them to us via e-mail, Facebook, Friendster, etc. Wish I were there."

Yeah, yeah. Next time, send over a C-note, ok? Great.

Heck, us O.D.A. beneficiaries got cocky and money-drunk among ourselves. Here "Siouxsie" and "Shtar" inspect the LLDDL's engagement rock to see if it meets their standards (prior to O.D.A., tawas would have met their standards)

(speaking of the LLDDL, I still have no idea what's going on at her office)

All told, there was no real depravity and immorality in any of of the day's three parties. Oh well. I just kept on telling myself, "What truly matters at Christmas is the time you spend with family and friends."

And if you believe that, I have some O.D.A. to ask from you.

YEAR IN REVIEW...WITH NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE!

I've always wondered why all those lame year-end "Best of..." lists are so popular. I mean, it couldn't be nostalgia, since all the crap listed happened, like, yesterday. And does the newsmedia really think it's readers are so dumb that they can't comprehend anything not grouped in tens? No, I think those year-in-reviews are everywhere because all writers face the same seasonal problem: they're already in holiday mode, are too smashed to think of anything new, yet still have a boatload of unused pictures/video that they didn't work into their original pieces (because they aren't that good writers to begin with; or because the pictures/videos suck).

Well, guess what! I'm nothing if not a holidayed/smashed/not good writer right now! (or, always). I have no new ideas and have sucky stock footage! Let's just randomly throw some old material together, put it in list form, and let the readers pick through the crap!

Yeah, something like this. Enjoy.

CEREMONIES, IN RETROSPECT, I SHOULD'VE SKIPPED

4. Monaco changing of the guard

Time may have been better spent -- visiting the casino, placing money on Pacquiao.

3. Olympics opening viewed from Phildel secretariat

Time may have been better spent -- trading national pins with Ya Show salesladies; they just make you feel so wanted!

2. PDOS graduation



Time may have been better spent -- teaching whoever took this video how to use a camera.


1. Expo Zarragoza opening

Time may have been better spent -- Let's be clear. The Expo Zarragoza opening fireworks were awesome. However, since I wasn't actually invited to the midnight opening ceremonies, I just shot this video from my hotel room window. And in said hotel room, I made an important discovery: late night free cable TV in Europe is very, ahem, interesting. And graphic.

PICTURES OF THE LLDDL THAT ARE SO GOING TO APPEAR IN OUR WEDDING PRE-NUP VIDEO

5. The "Hint Hint"





4. The "Blockhead"





3. The "Hot Biologist"





2. The "I Don't Want to be Chinita Anymore!"





1. The "What the Hell Goes on in Your Office Anyway?!?"






BEST COSTUMED CHARACTER TO POSE WITH

3. Mall Stormtrooper


Because I wasn't the dorkiest person with him around.



2. Disneyland Buzz


Because, with his limited arm range-of-motion, all he could do was the "Hail, hail alma mater" pose.



1. Filipo the Butanding


Because he's goddamn Filipo, that's why!!!




COOLEST CONCERTS (click on links for excerpts)

5. Swing Out Sister


What made it hot -- They sound today like they did 20 years ago.
What made it not -- I'm old enough to know what they sounded like 20 years ago.



4. Rihanna / Chris Brown

What made it hot -- For her opening number, Rihanna came out in a tangga. Really, you can't start off better than that.

What made it not -- During "Umbrella", some idiot in front held up - you guessed it - an umbrella. I really don't know what sort of thought process leads one to believe opening an umbrella is inherently clever, let alone think it's cool to block everyone's view for the entire song. Idiot.

3. Maroon 5

What made it hot -- Adam Levine was at his smug douchiest. Plus, it was a school night, yet I managed to evade Pardek.

What made it not -- hehehe I was so into it, I didn't notice my weak, whiny voice overpowering the band's sound in the video. The LLDDL hated me for that.

2. Alicia Keys

What made it hot -- The producers thought it would rain so they hastily moved the concert indoors, giving the LLDDL and I much better seats than what we paid for.
What made it not -- This annoying K.S.P. trying-hard socialite-type in front of us kept on loudly requesting Alicia to sing "To the left, to the left!"

1. The U.P. Fair

What made it hot -- Believe it or not, after eight years of attending U.P., this was the first college fair I ever went to. And, damn, the place rocked! I now regret spending all those years playing Nintendo and pusoy dos at home.

What made it not -- That hilarious "emo" look. Long bangs, striped shirts, tight jeans and tsinelas? Really? You know who else looked like that back in the day? Rey "PJ" Abellana! and Leni "Arlene" Santos! And we laughed at them back then, too!!

GOOFIEST PLAYER PROFILE PICS FROM MY YAHOO FANTASY LEAGUES

5. Scott Pollard


Look that he's rocking -- That tall, mute bad guy in "Superman II"


4. Chris Quinn


Look that he's rocking -- "The Grinch", if you squint.


3. Mike Miller

Look that he's rocking -- Whatever look big-gummed, apple-cheeked, widow-peaked yet mulleted dudes are rocking these days

2. Glen "Big Baby" Davis


Look that he's rocking -- art imitating nickname, or some profound s*** like that.


1. Adam Jones


Look that he's rocking -- Narcolepsy




SIGNS/ADS SEEN IN AND AROUND THE HOME OFFICE THAT MAKE YOU GO WTF?

5. Ad for a Skin Care Chain

What they were probably thinking -- "I'm telling you, we have to protect the identity of our clients! Now, if we place a black strip across their eyes during the 'Before' stage, no one will ever, EVER be able to figure out who they are later! Let's do the right thing here!!!"

4. Sign for...well...

What they were probably thinking -- "They'll come for the facials, but stay for the dismemberment!"

3. Sign for a Beauty Parlor

What they were probably thinking -- "It's just like those musicals. Nothing pretentiously captures the essence of something like using 'The' in the title. Oh, and include men in the essence."

2. Sign at a Shoe Store

What they were probably thinking -- not sure, but I like to think this sign was made in a fit of anger by some husband after his wife's last shopping spree.

1. Sign for a Pet Store


What they were probably thinking -- is not fit for publication.




THINGS THAT JUST SOUND BETTER IN SAN REMO, ITALY

3. Free Town Plaza Concert

Could have been more magnifico if -- the opening guitar didn't sound so much like "First Picture of You."

2. Bikexercising

Could have been more magnifico if -- That roof wasn't in the way so I could have recorded more discretely and not seem like a perv. (BTW, the gym instructor seems to say a lot, but really, in stationary biking, aren't commands limited to "stand", "sit", "faster" and "chafe"?)

1. Infomercials



Could have been more magnifico if -- Nothing. This is absolutely perfect as is.

MADNESS, I SAY! MADNESS!

Every year, as the calendar turns December, U.P. students look forward to three things: 1) Kris-kringle revelation parties; 2) the Lantern Parade; and 3) the Oblation run. (I’ve been part of two out of three of these; let’s not discuss which ones)

U.P. Law students, however, have one more special tradition to mark the season, the one event that sets them apart from other law schools: Malcolm Madness. For just one day out of the year, the entire faculty is fair game to teases, taunts and straight-up insults from the student body. Some teachers are cool with it, others are not, but holiday joy and discomfort are felt by all!

In my time, "Madness" was staged as a loose variety show of song, dance and skit. The idea was to get everyone in the batch involved in the fun: those with good voices got to shine up front; those with dance moves got to gyrate in the background; and those with neither were told to just come up with the skewering lyrics and keep out of sight (I fell firmly within this category). "Madness" was also supposed to be a contest among the year-levels, but the competition was really just secondary to the chance to stick it to the professors (although the sight of ordinarily buttoned-up and bookish law students turning into naughty, provocative dance machines onstage was also highly appreciated by everyone).

There was also an added twist to the song competition: no one told the Freshmen – who had never seen a "Madness" before – that the songs were supposed to be parodies. The joyful result: all the bright-eyed newbies would sing their hearts out to some upbeat pop choir medley, then wondered with horrified-looking faces why the audience was snickering at them throughout the performance, like their zippers were open or something. The upperclassmen crushed many a freshman’s confidence this way. Those who survived to the next year-level, however, got to do the same thing to the freshmen that followed them. The circle of life.

And so, as another Malcolm Madness approaches, I recall some of the most memorable lyrics my law class came up with. They may be corny, and you might not recognize some of the characters or context, but it’s a lot of fun to follow the words and sing 'em out loud.

And, boy, did the professors laugh/blush/seethe when we unleashed these beauties back in the day.

I swear, if it weren’t Christmas, lawsuits would have been filed.



THE SUBJECT: A STERN, BUT LOVABLE, LADY PROFESSOR
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “IKAW ANG MS. UNIVERSE NG BUHAY KO”

Ikaw ang Ms. Universe, ng U.P. Law.
Ilang beses ko pa bang sasabihin sa ‘yo?
Ang make-up mong walang ‘sing kapal,
Lalabas ka ba sa karnabal?
Ikaw ang Ms. Universe, ng U.P. Law.

THE SUBJECT: THE FORMER COLLEGE SECRETARY, WHO HAD THE MOST DRAMATIC, SWASHBUCKLING GAIT AND BODY MOVEMENTS AROUND
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “PRINCE ALI” (from Aladdin)

Di-si-ni
Se-cre-ta-ry
Macho lumaaa-kad.
GQ ‘yan,
Fundador man,
Strong ang dating.
Enforcer ni Agabin,
Pag s’ya na ang naging Dean,
Lahat lalagpakin
Ni Disini.

THE SUBJECT: A BRILLIANT BUT SOMETIMES HARD TO UNDERSTAND PROFESSOR WHOSE STUDENTS WOULD OCCASIONALLY NOD OFF IN CLASS

SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “OH, CAROLINA”

Magallona is the best
Kung gusto mo mag-rest
Pero kwidaw sa finals
Baka ’di ka maka tres.
Oh, Magallona (gising na, gising na)
Oh, Magallona (tulog na, tulog na)

THE SUBJECT: A FREQUENTLY ABSENT PROFESSOR OF CRIMINAL PROCEDURE
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE”

Bakit kapag may Crim Pro,
Mga law students ay nahihilo.
It’s a problem to find
This professor of mine,
Lagi na lang kami ay left behind...

Every time I see you, Leonen
I get down on my knees and pray.
We’re waiting for that time you show up and
Tell us all that you will stay.

(AND MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE. I SWEAR, YOU HAVE TO SING-ALONG OUT LOUD WITH THIS ONE)

THE SUBJECT: A VERY BRAINY BUT BALDING PROFESSOR
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “AWIT NG BARKADA” (saan na napunta ang panahon)

Ang aming teacher na galing Harvard,
Kung mag-english s’ya, ‘di trying hard.
Nung nasa U.P. ay laging scholar,
At parang Beatles ang kanyang bangs.

Nasaan na napunta ang iyong bangs?
Sinabunutan ka ni Beth mong giliw.
Nasubukan mo naba’ng Minoxidil?
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?

Pangalangan, Pangalangan
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?
Pangalangan, Pangalangan
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?

So what are the kids at UP Law up to these days? Apparently, they've added a freaking hilarious freestyle-rap battle portion to "Madness"

I'm so fraking proud of my alma mater, I could cry.

BAZAAR LOVE TRIANGLE

(quickie post, awesome pun)

The 'ber months signal the start of bazaar season in Manila. On any given weekend, dozens of these things sprout in subdivisions, event tents, office building lobbies, parking lots, and any other available open space you can think of ("bazaar" is ancient Persian for "also available at a mall, but without the door prize").

Over the years, the Home Office has gotten in on that hot bazaar action. Every November, it stages an "International Bazaar" featuring various stalls run by foreign embassies. And every November, I manage to miss it due to travel, weekend duty or sheer forgetfulness.

This year, with a wedding approaching and in need of souvenirs, the LLDDL made sure we wouldn't miss the Home Office bazaar for anything (Spoiler Alert: ninangs, you're getting those tablecloths the LLDDL is holding). We blocked out the date, bought our entrance tickets well in advance, and arrived at the venue bright and early to beat the traffic and secure a parking space.

Slight problem though: we arrived bright and early alright -- at the wrong location. Seems I was too macho to bother looking at the tickets and simply presumed that the Home Office bazaar would be held at the nearest events center. It wasn't. It was being held at PICC, a kilometer away. Oops. Amazing Races are won or lost on brainfarts like those.*

But wait. The place where we're at is also holding a bazaar! A bigger one! And organized by actresses and showbiz people!

Hmmm, bit of a dilemma here. Do we leave, forfeit the parking fee, and head over to the Home Office bazaar run by dignified diplomats? Or do we stay here in this sea of silicone, this convention hall of hotties?


We head over to the Home Office bazaar.

I must really love my country.

And my job.

And the LLDDL.



*(speaking of AR -- well, another Filipino team of overconfident hardbodies loses to another pair of doughy, regular nice guys. I told y'all, it's a mistake to keep on sending socialite/model types as Philippine representatives to the race. Sure they looked good, but they're always too aware of the camera, were hard to identify with, and didn't effortlessly interact with the locals. We didn't need any more teams that spent their free time wall-climbing; we needed real-people teams that didn't have free time to wall-climb! More Quiapo, less Rockwell! But did anyone listen? Nooooo. I bet next season they'll still send a contrived team of "best friend" models/VJs/yoga-practitioners named C. J. and Bianca or something. I'm truly upset over this)

Most countries just went with their strengths at their booths. You didn't even need flags or signs to figure things out. It really was quite easy. Thus: BELGIUM - Chocolates. . .

. . . HOLLAND - flowers . . .



. . . SRI LANKA - tea . . .



. . . IRAN - rugs . . .



. . .ITALY - Jolina Magdangal movies that underperform at the box office.

The South African booth featured some really cool blankets, textiles and world cup merchandise. I kid you not, they sold out everything - and I mean everything - before lunchtime.

I'd take that as a challenge, Nigeria.

I actually was scheduled to go to Peru this week, but got scratched off at the last minute. Shame, because, if their booth is any indication, they got some pretty cool stuff (and, let's face it, PICC is no Machu Picchu)

And finally, I know the bazaar is supposed to represent everything international, but are there really that many ways to spell pashmina? I counted 82.

IT'S FRIDAY, I MUST BE IN...NEW YORK

So...we meet again, New York.

Look, we both know the deal: you don't like me, and I've been hard on you. But I just want a quiet trip this time. We don't have to get in each other's way. Really, I don't want any troubl...





Dammit, New York!

HALLOWEEN

To be fair, we arrived in New York on Halloween, so we should have expected some stuff to be messed-up. The night itself was actually very entertaining and enjoyable, save for the time my friend and I were walking along a darkened sidewalk, and as we turned the building corner - aaaaaiiiigh!!!!! - a guy dressed as "Jigsaw" came out of the shadows and startled us. Not cool man! Not cool!

Going around the city, I noticed the Halloween costumes generally fell into three categories: the "playas"...







... the "naughty (fill-in-the-blank)"...

...and the "genuinely creepy" (I swear, this fraking clown freaked everyone out because he just stood there on the subway platform - perfectly frozen - while everyone else moved around him. God, I hate clowns).

THE MARATHON

After mass on Sunday (presided by a Filipino priest - naturally), I wandered over to Central Park and stumbled on the 25th mile of the New York Marathon. At the time I arrived, the leaders of the handicapped division were just passing through and the crowd was going wild (I'm not ashamed to say I got a bit misty). The leaders of the elite women's and men's divisions followed a coupled of minutes later, to more roars. All told, where Halloween night was disturbing, the marathon was truly fun and inspiring.

(So frak you, clown and Jigsaw! Frak both of you!!!)

Top: Paula Radcliffe ran away (har!) with the elite women's division, with the second placer more than a minute behind; Bottom: the elite men were much closer and, if I got the news reports right, the guy running second in the video would soon overtake the leader during the last mile and go on to win the race. But win or lose, man or woman, what's truly important is I want their abs.

As time passed, the rest of the pack arrived (I don't know what they call the non-elite racers; regulars? the Shmo division?). I set up at a hill between the 24th and 25th mile markers because that was where I thought "The Wall" would be for most of the runners. I was not disappointed. Aside from the regulars/shmos, racers came in several general types:

the "Crowd Wavers"...








...the "Funny Wig People" (oh sorry, that last guy was wearing his real hair; my bad)








...the "Costumed Contestants"...







...the "Crampers"...







...and last, but not the least, the "Pukers".





"Joy of Running" my ass.







40,000 runners, countless water cups, two visible porta-potties. You do the math.

I haven't decided if this is a cool thing or not, but many runners wrote their names on their shirts, apparently to encourage cheers from the roadside crowd. This, in turn, led to the following typical exchange among spectators:

Man: Look, there's Steve!
Woman: Go Steve!
Man: Go Steve!
Woman: Who's Steve?
Man: No idea.

Hey! A guy wearing a Philippine flag! He's walking all the way to finish line, but still. Go Esteban!

This girl didn't stop eating and drinking in front of the tired runners for 20 minutes straight. Cruel is what it was.

After about an hour of watching runners limp past, I decide to roam the rest of the park. It really is beautiful -- the crown jewel of the city. For entertainment purposes, I also play a little game called "Spot in five minutes as many things that appear in 'Stuff White People Like' as you can" (easily, I saw Organic Food, Yoga, Awareness, Marathons [of course], Apple Products, Vintage, Irony, Expensive Sandwiches, Co-Ed Sports, Bottles of Water, The Idea of Soccer, Outdoor Performance Clothes, Rugby, New Balance Shoes, Children's Games as Adults, Girls with Bangs, and [bottom] Frisbee Sports).

Many, many hours later, I pass by the finish line and find scores of runners still coming in. The whole place resembled an evacuation camp: thousands of cold, exhausted people walking around lost and/or in a daze; people shouting out for friends and family; emotional hugs and reunions. Really, the only difference between the finish line and a "War of the Worlds" refugee scene was those awesome looking metallic blankets given to race finishers.

To help in their search, many in the crowd held up signs of their loved ones (I don't know if Mummolo was ever found; we can only hope).

To my surprise, I saw finishers walking home as far as Times Square and even our hotel, both more than 20 blocks away from the finish line. You'd think after running 26 miles they would've earned a cab ride or something, but no.

BEST OF THE REST OF NEW YORK



The New York Restaurants

Or, as they call them here, "expensive" (but you couldn't put a price on those views).

FDR Presidential Library






What little I saw was beautiful. And FDR, of course, was the Professor X of presidents.



Those Wedding Displays









The LLDDL told me to keep an eye out for wedding ideas. This was the best I could do.

(Waldorf and Tiffany's were closed when I passed, sweetie, I swear!)



Madison Avenue Street Market




As craptastic as Ya Show, Mongkok or Greenhills, but much more expensive.





And classier. Much classier.





AND FINALLY, A HISTORIC NIGHT

Our stay in New York coincided with election night in the States, so after work I walked over to Times Square to check out the results and get a feel for the atmosphere. Could I stand out in the cold behind a barricade for hours without having to go to the bathroom? Yes I could! Yes I could!

On the way to Times Square, I pass by Rockefeller Plaza and catch part of NBC's set-up. They tracked electoral votes with those window-washer pulley-platform things: as votes came in for a candidate, the platform on his side of the building would pull itself upwards, heading closer to the 270 sign. Really, NBC? Manual labor? That's all you had?

CNN, for its part, occupied part of Times Square with a bleachers-and-giant screen spread. Not bad, but no "Wow!" factor (nor any Blitzer hologram, dammit)

Ah, here we go. The other end of Times Square, with ABC and Fox News trying to one-up each other. I set up camp here and tracked results through the night. Every time there was a roar, I thought the winner had already been proclaimed. Invariably, it was just the TV cameras turning to shoot the crowd (wherever you are in the world, people will hysterically yell into cameras and do a version of "Can I greet?")

And at precisely 11:00 pm New York time...the Western states results come in...a winner is declared...and pandemonium ensues.

Scenes from a celebration

After a while, the news crews are let loose on the crowd. On our side of the square, an awesomely smug-looking reporter comes over and asks everyone what the results mean to them. I was actually close enough and next-in-line to be interviewed, and was tempted to introduce myself as an observer from NAMFREL. I wisely thought against it and stepped back in favor of the couple at the bottom. Anyway, I still made a Forrest Gump-like cameo at the -00:59 mark of the news report.

Throughout everything, these two guys behind me didn't stop calling everyone they knew, telling them where and how happy they were. History is worth the roaming charges, no doubt.

(and speaking of cameos, how about it for my forehead, ladies and gentlemen!)

These girls were actually kind of screechy and annoying, but all the guys around them still kept on encouraging them to cheer...and jump...and bounce.

You know what, New York? Between Halloween and the Marathon and the Election, this was actually a pretty cool trip. It was fascinating, memorable and, of course, historic. I don't think anything can ruin this visit. Nothing here could be so cheap or crass or silly as to bring me dow. . .

Nope, not even your election condom salesmen. Nice try though.