IT'S THURSDAY, I MUST BE IN....BEIJING

(I receive a call from Hong Kong herself)

Hong Kong: So.....where have you been?
Me: um...out.
Hong Kong: I see...(pause)...you went and saw Beijing, didn't you?
Me: Here we go.
Hong Kong:You just saw Beijing two months ago! And during the Olympics! Don't deny it!
Me: I barely saw Beijing! And I didn't even plan to see her, remember? I just received a late night call, and that was it. It just happened.
Hong Kong: (sobbing) I sit here waiting for years between your visits. Beijing calls, and you go running every time.
Me: Come on, it's nothing like that.
Hong Kong: You said I was special! You said I was your first!
Me: You were..er..are. Look (gently holds Hong Kong's chin), no one can ever take your place. Ever. You're the "Peak", remember?
Hong Kong: (wiping away tears) Yes.
Me: There's that great Chinese smile I love. (Tickling Hong Kong) Whooo's my little Disneyworld, whooo's my little Disneyworld?
Hong Kong: I am (giggling)

(and scene)

Immediately after stepping off the plane, you immediately notice that the air is cooler, crisper and clearer than during the Olympics. Made for more pleasant drives and artsy-fartsier pictures.

When I get to the hotel, I find...omigodomigodomigod!....a TV in the toilet! I thought it was just an urban legend!

And Mila Kunis!!!

I'm able to peel myself away from the toilet TV in time for a big regional meeting. Above is an all-to-familiar scene for junior diplomats: outside the principals' meeting room, waiting for an event to end, in a hotel hallway drowning in a sea of dark suits. Fortunately, a lost hotel guest came out of the elevator looking for the pool in a white bathrobe and provided some visual comedy relief.

The Great Hall, venue of the main meetings. I was racking my brain for the best lame pun to capture the jaw-dropping size of the place. "It is indeed a Great Hall"; "This belongs in the Hall Hall of Fame"; "Hall and 'Whoa-tes' ". I just settled on "Hall-y ****, this place is huge!"

We leave the Great Hall and go to some bilateral meetings all around Beijing. This gives me a chance to see some of the much-ballyhooed modern Chinese buildings. They did not disappoint, not the least because of the appropriately funky nicknames the locals have given them. The Center for the Performing Arts above, for instance, is known as "The Egg" (although I would have gone for "Robot Siopao").

I'm not sure what the official nickname for the new CCTV building is -- I've heard everything from the "Z" building (meh), to "Big Shorts" (wtf?), and even "The Crotch" (umm....). For me, only one thing came to mind when I saw the big mother from afar and then up close: Cloverfield.

The delegation breaks for lunch at Fangshan restaurant in Beihai Park, the former imperial garden. The whole place painstakingly tries to recreate the feel and atmosphere of old royal times. The name Fangshan itself means "imitating imperial". Hey, at least they were honest about it.

Wherever you are the in the world...the meeting ushers will "picture-picture".

My heart bled for this girl. She went around the hall introducing herself as a radio reporter and going up to delegates requesting interviews, but was so meek and mild-mannered that everyone either ignored her or flat turned her down. I saw her wandering for more than an hour without any success, often looking like she was about to cry. But she kept at it, and as we were leaving, I saw her snag the interview above. Good for her.

As might be expected, the Great Hall also had some Great Rooms (for bilaterals). Each room was named after a Chinese province and elaborately decorated. If we were lucky, we would arrive early enough to find the room empty, take some pictures, and pretend-sit in the Big Boys chairs (although a split-second after the above picture was taken, our principal unexpectedly walked in, and we were sent scampering out of the chairs, like roaches in a room when the light is suddenly turned on)

And finally, after the last meeting ends, everyone heads over to Ya Show. Fresh from their triumph over the Olympic athletes, the salesladies now take on the negotiating skills of high-powered diplomats from all over the world.

The diplomats didn't stand a chance.

WE NOW RETURN TO REGULAR PROGRAMMING

I swear, the LLDDL and I won't turn into one of those couples who won't shut up in public about how hip their wedding playlist is, where they'll spend their cool honeymoon, or what's their thought process for naming their future kids.* No, the "Nuptial" posts here will be few and far between, and only if I can tie the wedding preparations to International Law. Or basketball.

I know my readers (both of you). You don't want stories of guestlists, gowns and centerpieces. You want action! You want adventure! You want: "Tales of the Recently Departed: The Glamorous Life Edition"!

(*for the record, if the LLDDL and I have girls, they'll be named Bristol, Piper and Yogurt; if boys, Dingdong, Zaido and Kamandag)

Thank God for Project Runway: Philippines then

"(This foreign diplomatic school) is professional - we have to wear suits to class everyday, its seriously a fashion show among the latinas and guys walking the thin line between european and gay every morning. Even our facilitators wear suits!!"

I am so jealous. The only offer I've ever gotten is from that Tukaan show on Channel 13

"Well, yeah, we had two Filipino heritage games, one for (baseball), and the other for (football). The organizer…wants to promote the Games via TV and wants some tv shots to show for the half-time break so yon, we shot tv commercials. All of my bosses were out so they had no one to turn to but me, the willing TV commercial model!"

No worse than some of the UAAP sideline reporting I've heard, although that's not saying much

(At a PBA exhibition game abroad) The referees SUCKED. I don't know whether they were actively biased for (the home team) or whether they were just miserable excuses for referees, because they called ten gazillion fouls on the Philippine side and like ten on the (home) side. While I have no idea what a foul actually looks like (and I guess I'll never know because whenever I watch a game everybody around me is all like "THAT REFEREE IS BLIND HOW IS THAT A FOUL") I do know that there were times I would see the teeny weeny point guard go flying in the air from an elbow in the head and everybody around me would start screaming. To be fair I thought maybe that might not count as a foul because the Philippine point guard was elbow-high to the players on the (home) side…and it would be hard NOT to elbow him in the face when his face was RIGHT THERE. But I'm not a basketball player and I don't know the rules so I don't know. Obviously this is not a very good recap."

And finally...there's a Judd Apatow movie in here somewhere

"Ako nga dito naiinis na eh - yung mga ninang at bridesmaids dikit ng dikit sa akin after the wedding and during the pictorials. hahahaah!"

THE MAKING OF "A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE"

(Ed note: Marie Claire still hasn't called for another photo-shoot, so I'm taking it upon myself to invent a fake interview with a pretentious society magazine reporter to supply the public with all the juicy details of the proposal-heard-round-the-Disneyworld)

Pretentious Society Magazine Reporter (PSMR): So congratulaaaations. Tell us all about about the engagement, dahling.
Lame Lawyer /Dorky Diplomat (LLDD): Don't call me darling.
PSMR: You don't know how this pretentious interview thing works, do you?
LLDD: Not a fraking clue.
PSMR: Fine. I'll talk slowly then. Why...you...propose...now?
LLDD: The LLDDL and I had been contemplating it for a while, imagining what our lives would be like at post. It was just a matter of finding the right time and the right place to propose.
PSMR: Which of course was...
LLDD: A typhoon-ravaged Hong Kong.
PSMR: Nice. So the weather was a concern?
LLDD: Fo' shizzle drizzle. We were scheduled to fly out after one storm had just left Hong Kong and another one was entering the Philippines. Lots of flights were canceled, and we were afraid ours would be too. Fortunately, we were on the same plane as Alfred from "The Dark Knight" and allowed to fly out of NAIA.

You don't say no to Batman's butler. You just don't.

PSMR: Ok, you're flying on the plane. Perfect time for a confusing "Lost"-type flashback swoosh-sound to tell us how you got the ring.
LLDD: Well, I didn't know anything about jewelry, so I had to read up and consult a lot of friends. Some batchmates also volunteered to go ring shopping with me.
PSMR: That sounds sweet.
LLDD: I thought so too, until I told them "You are not to re-enact 'Pretty Woman', ok? There will be no movie dressing-room montage scene!", whereupon they flew away to Spain, never to be heard from again.
PSMR: Well, you did deny them a montage...
LLDD: And I do look like a young Richard Gere. Anyway, I went on my own to every jeweler in town and, wouldn't you know it, I found the perfect ring in the last place I visited. One look at it, and I knew it was the one.
PSMR: awwww...it was a nice ring then?
LLDD: Clear and flawless.

Like the LLDDL's skin. Or my fantasy draft strategy.

PSMR: So you have the ring. Must have felt good carrying it around.
LLDD: If by "good" you mean "paranoid like a drug mule". For obvious reasons, I didn't want the ring out of my sight, so I always had it on me. Problem was, it set off the metal detector at the airport, but I didn't want to whip it out in public yet and ruin the surprise for the LLDDL, so I had to spend some time mumbling may singsing ako sa bulsa to the security personnel without moving my lips. Not easy.
PSMR: But after that...
LLDD: Came the pain. I had to keep the ring's box in my front pants pocket wherever we went, and whenever I'd sit down, the sharp corners of the sumbitch would painfully dig deep into my upper thigh, inches away from my...you know. I walked around in constant agony, which I had to disguise with some of the goofiest-looking smiles in history. And just imagine what I felt when I had to sit down and spin around on a Disney ride.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

PSMR: Love hurts. But why'd you even carry the ring around that long? Why didn't you pop the question the moment you arrived in Hong Kong?
LLDD: Because I really wanted The Peak, dammit! Although that never stopped some of my batchmates from suggesting some other "romantic" Hong Kong settings, like hiding the ring in some dimsum, or having the whale at Ocean Park blow it out his hole.

Some day, my prince will come...(like, right here in Mickeyland, if his batchmates have their way)

PSMR: How romantic they are naman, but I see what you mean. So The Peak turned out to be a good call then?
LLDD: Actually, The Peak almost ruined the whole thing. I'd been to the place several times before years ago, and each time I had no problem finding a nice, cozy private cliffside spot to take in the view. But this time, when the LLDDL and I arrived at the station of the tram that would take us up, the place was absolutely packed. As in, the lines snaked all around, and the people were so jammed together that the tourist in front of me could feel the ring box in my pocket (and it sure as hell wasn't because I was happy to see him!). There were so many people, all of the tram seats were completely filled up and the LLDDL and I had to stand the whole way up. I didn't even know they allowed standing on the tram because that little fraker tilts up almost 90 degrees! I swear, I had to hang on for dear life on the railing -- my backpack dangling directly downward -- or else I would fall and crush the LLDDL, herself gravity-flattened against the tram wall. The whole thing was eerily reminiscent of the final scenes of "Titanic" -- and we all know how that turned out.

LLDD: I jump, you jump, right?
LLDDL: ummmmm......

PSMR: But you're gonna make it, Jack? You're gonna make it?

LLDD: But barely. And when we got to the top, things got even crazier. The tram drops off everyone at an adjacent mall, only the mall tries to keep everyone from leaving or going outside by not marking any of the exits and funnelling all the sheeple up escalators that take them higher and higher and higher until they finally reach...more long lines of people. Only now, the long lines are for the entrance to a deck where you have to pay to see the view. That was it for me. I grabbed my woman and broke free from the masses in search of the outdoor exit that I knew existed. Sure enough, at the same spot where we were first dropped off, through back doors and backrooms made to look like "Authorized Personnel Only" areas, we at last found...

PSMR: The view?
LLDD: ...um...more people. Lots and lots of them. But at least we were outside! We headed towards a cliffside path I remembered from years ago and found this Mines View Park-like gazebo, only we couldn't get a good look at anything because everyone was in our way. Dammit, I thought that would be the spot! I decided to walk further down the path, which got darker - but less crowded - as we went along. About 50 meters out, I saw a curve in the path and - holy crap - a totally unobstructed, panoramic view! And there were only a few people around!

PSMR: Well, alright! Just wait them out, then down on bended knee you go!
LLDD: I thought so too, except the tourists just came on coming. First, a German couple set up a tripod and made like a fashion shoot. Then six Korean girls arrived and just had to take pictures of themselves in every possible permutation. I tried to make the most of the situation and get them to at least take a nice souvenir photo of me and the LLDDL.

Focus, ladies. Focus.

PSMR: But they did leave, right?
LLDD: Yes, to be promptly replaced by an Australian couple that kept on chatting us up. They were friendly and all, but it's hard to make your move when someone keeps on asking "Oi! So when will the laser show start?"

PSMR: What's so wrong with that? When would the laser show start?
LLDD: It ended 30 minutes before they arrived!

PSMR: Ahhhhh....
LLDD: So then a Dutch couple comes and builds their own tripod fashion shoot set-up, and a young American couple starts sharing life stories with each other -- and everyone else within earshot ("Really? I didn't think anyone was into me in high school. That's so awesome!"). Meanwhile, the LLDDL was starting to ask tara na?

PSMR: Uh-oh.
LLDD: Uh-oh is right. I was running out of time. There would be no perfectly private spot anymore. I just hugged the LLDDL tightly, and whispered it in her ear.

PSMR: Awww...I need a tissue.
LLDD: So did the LLDDL, to wipe her ear.

PSMR: And that was that?
LLDD: That was that. I couldn't care less about all those other people anymore. Nothing else in the world mattered. All the Hong Kong miscues were behind me. Things were finally looking up.

We're a very literal couple

PSMR: So you're officially engaged. How have people taken the good news?
LLDD: Well, the Viva Hot Babes are understandably distraught, but I think they'll be all right. Someone should check up on Heart Evangelista, though.

PSMR: No, seriously...
LLDD: ...and to all those Hong Kong MTR billboard ladies: y'all were great, but I still have no idea what you want from me.

The Last Temptation of the LLDD

PSMR: OK, you can be delusional now, but you're gonna have to be lucid during the wedding, got it?
LLDD: Got it.

PSMR: So anyway, share some of the wedding details

LLDD: I want Piotr to handle the stag party, but I don't want him anywhere near the bridesmaids.

PSMR: That's not what I mea....
LLDD: And my principal sponsors? Nike, Jollibee and Combantrin.

PSMR: ...sigh...You've been making that joke since the Cory administration. Please, for the love of God, just tell me what's the motif?

LLDD: I haven't run it by the LLDDL yet, but I think she'll be ok with a Star Wars Cantina Scene theme. Or the 80's.

No backing out now, right sweetie? Right? Sweetie?