IT'S THURSDAY, I MUST BE IN....BEIJING

(I receive a call from Hong Kong herself)

Hong Kong: So.....where have you been?
Me: um...out.
Hong Kong: I see...(pause)...you went and saw Beijing, didn't you?
Me: Here we go.
Hong Kong:You just saw Beijing two months ago! And during the Olympics! Don't deny it!
Me: I barely saw Beijing! And I didn't even plan to see her, remember? I just received a late night call, and that was it. It just happened.
Hong Kong: (sobbing) I sit here waiting for years between your visits. Beijing calls, and you go running every time.
Me: Come on, it's nothing like that.
Hong Kong: You said I was special! You said I was your first!
Me: You were..er..are. Look (gently holds Hong Kong's chin), no one can ever take your place. Ever. You're the "Peak", remember?
Hong Kong: (wiping away tears) Yes.
Me: There's that great Chinese smile I love. (Tickling Hong Kong) Whooo's my little Disneyworld, whooo's my little Disneyworld?
Hong Kong: I am (giggling)

(and scene)

Immediately after stepping off the plane, you immediately notice that the air is cooler, crisper and clearer than during the Olympics. Made for more pleasant drives and artsy-fartsier pictures.

When I get to the hotel, I find...omigodomigodomigod!....a TV in the toilet! I thought it was just an urban legend!

And Mila Kunis!!!

I'm able to peel myself away from the toilet TV in time for a big regional meeting. Above is an all-to-familiar scene for junior diplomats: outside the principals' meeting room, waiting for an event to end, in a hotel hallway drowning in a sea of dark suits. Fortunately, a lost hotel guest came out of the elevator looking for the pool in a white bathrobe and provided some visual comedy relief.

The Great Hall, venue of the main meetings. I was racking my brain for the best lame pun to capture the jaw-dropping size of the place. "It is indeed a Great Hall"; "This belongs in the Hall Hall of Fame"; "Hall and 'Whoa-tes' ". I just settled on "Hall-y ****, this place is huge!"

We leave the Great Hall and go to some bilateral meetings all around Beijing. This gives me a chance to see some of the much-ballyhooed modern Chinese buildings. They did not disappoint, not the least because of the appropriately funky nicknames the locals have given them. The Center for the Performing Arts above, for instance, is known as "The Egg" (although I would have gone for "Robot Siopao").

I'm not sure what the official nickname for the new CCTV building is -- I've heard everything from the "Z" building (meh), to "Big Shorts" (wtf?), and even "The Crotch" (umm....). For me, only one thing came to mind when I saw the big mother from afar and then up close: Cloverfield.

The delegation breaks for lunch at Fangshan restaurant in Beihai Park, the former imperial garden. The whole place painstakingly tries to recreate the feel and atmosphere of old royal times. The name Fangshan itself means "imitating imperial". Hey, at least they were honest about it.

Wherever you are the in the world...the meeting ushers will "picture-picture".

My heart bled for this girl. She went around the hall introducing herself as a radio reporter and going up to delegates requesting interviews, but was so meek and mild-mannered that everyone either ignored her or flat turned her down. I saw her wandering for more than an hour without any success, often looking like she was about to cry. But she kept at it, and as we were leaving, I saw her snag the interview above. Good for her.

As might be expected, the Great Hall also had some Great Rooms (for bilaterals). Each room was named after a Chinese province and elaborately decorated. If we were lucky, we would arrive early enough to find the room empty, take some pictures, and pretend-sit in the Big Boys chairs (although a split-second after the above picture was taken, our principal unexpectedly walked in, and we were sent scampering out of the chairs, like roaches in a room when the light is suddenly turned on)

And finally, after the last meeting ends, everyone heads over to Ya Show. Fresh from their triumph over the Olympic athletes, the salesladies now take on the negotiating skills of high-powered diplomats from all over the world.

The diplomats didn't stand a chance.