THE SEVEN STAGES OF POSTING

Disclosure time: I'm about to be posted! Like, tomorrow!!! Certainly a significant, meaningful occasion in the LLDD household, although I must say -- having seen every other batchmate and countless personnel assigned abroad -- people at the Home Office are not as cool and routinely nonchalant about their postings as I thought they'd be. No, postings here involve as much trepidation and elaborate planning as a rebel trying to escape from Hoth (only with more signatures required to actually leave).

Anyway, a quick guide through the process.

"The ASEAN Summit will create a distraction, allowing the FSOs to escape through the imperial blockade, got it?"

1. Shock/Disbelief - You know you're in the foreign service to be assigned abroad, yet when news of your posting does come down, it feels like a soap opera-slap. Suddenly, everything seems likes its on fast forward. To make matters worse in my case, my posting preparations had to run alongside my wedding preparations. It was like having TWO "24"-clock sound effects counting down in the background.

"Dammit, Chloe, there's no time to get 19 signatures for the Travel Order clearance AND select the entree menu!"

2. Personal Affairs Prepping - All those little things you've been putting off for so long suddenly pile-up and demand immediate attention. So many personal status reports to file, so little time. I must have reported, for instance, my marriage to something like nine different departments. The LLDD-Hyphen-L, on the other hand, enjoyed every second of her office tagging me as her new "dependent".

They may as well have stamped "Kept Man"

3. Uprooting - More difficult than you'd imagine, not just because of the emotions involved, but also because your household junk seems to have mated and exponentially multiplied over the years. I still have no idea why I found five wallclocks in my tiny old studio apartment.

If you look closely, you can see the desk lamp humping the oven toaster.

4 . Sudden-Onset Cheapness - The high cost of relocation is aggravated by the realization that everything costs much, much more abroad. Thus, in the last few days before your departure, you find yourself scrounging around for every bargain, discount and freebie. Among the must-have's: haircuts from relatives.

Now, if my sister could also do dental work and lasik surgery, I'd be set

5. Rising Nationalism - As an "ambassador" of your country abroad, you can't be soft or back down from anyone. You have to represent, dammit! Now, some diplomats would be happy with just bringing a few barongs and a couple of Yabang Pinoy bracelets to Post. True thug gangstas like me, however, go to the extreme and get Sun and Stars tatoos from the seediest parlors in Manila.

OK, it was actually face-painting during a kiddie birthday party at Max's Chicken, but still totally bad ass I think.

um...Grr.

6. Feeling Jet-Set - But of course the LLDD-Hyphen-L had to get new girlie-red luggage. And of course she had to walk it through the length of SM during the Sunday afternoon rush while it was still wrapped in plastic.

"Outta my way! I have diplomatic immunity against ankles run over!"

7. Despedi-days - Talk about long goodbyes. As news of your impending departure spreads, you get a steady stream of invitations to and requests for farewell pakains, many from groups and sub-groups you haven't heard from in a while. I haven't been such the center of attention since my wedding (and only then because of the rub-off effect from the LLDD-Hyphen-L =).

"Look, ma! It's like I have friends!"

So where am I being posted? Well, most everyone in the Department already knows, but to those out there who don't, I'll just leave a little hint: the zombie apocalypse may be a problem.

"Why, of why, did I ever want to leave the Home Office?"