This week, I went to watch "Livestock", a charity gig organized by Friends of the Earth (FOE) that featured some of the best stand-up comics in the UK. The FOE advocacy for the night was planet-friendly farming, and the evening promised a lot of "so, who here would like to take their friendship with the earth to the next level, if you know what I mean?" double entendres I enjoy way too much.
Walking up to the theatre, I noticed that many who were going to watch the show were being approached by people holding up "Have some balls! Go Vegan!" signs. Now, I've seen similar tactics like that before at the Ikaw Rin concert, with slogan-shirt wearing/clipboard toting "activists" going up to the crowd lining outside the stadium. But, as with the Ikaw Rin concert before, the sign holders this night were generally ignored by the rest of the people, if not dismissed with some annoyance. Still, you got the impression that everything was part of a concerted effort and all for the same larger cause.
Well, lo and behold! Apparently FOE and vegans don't get along! One FOE host immediately complained onstage that vegans were "accosting" spectators outside, and many of the subsequent performing comics openly mocked the vegetarian cause. "Sorry I didn't see the vegan protesters outside, I was backstage at the veal buffet."; "You say we shouldn't eat meat, but then tell us 'Have some balls!'"
The vegans later struck back by sneaking into the theatre, storming the stage in the middle of a comic's routine and unfurling some banners. This actually would have been pretty bad-ass, except the main storming vegan made the sad decision to wear a lame black mask onstage, and thereby opened himself to blistering riducule from the cool and quick-witted comic. "Have the courage to show your face, man! You don't have a sword, that's how I know you're not the real Zorro!"
The crowd went wild, and the vegans were easily led off the stage. Game, set, match: comedians.
Now I'm thinking, this whole thing should help everyone appreciate how difficult it can be to get along and reach consensus on the world's biggest issues. I mean, if even FOE and vegans - two groups presumably on the same side of the larger environment debate - are taking swipes at each other, what hope do the baby carrots have for the future? (oh, please, won't someone think of the baby carrots!)
And for us government-sector diplomats, well, we can't really take sides between the two of them. Nor could we easily choose one if we actually had to. I mean, who do we go with? On the one hand, FOE is armed with funny-looking comics and their razor-sharp wit....
"I walked into the supermarket the other day, and saw a sign that said 'Two for One.' I thought, hmmm, tension within the Musketeers?"
"One out of every three women in Scotland is obese...as are the other two"
"My philosophy in life is 'my enemy's enemy is my friend', which can get awkward because my enemy is his own worst enemy; and his philosophy in life is 'love thy enemy'.
"I like that banks now give you the option to provide your own security answer AND question for phone transactions. The security question my bank will now ask me is, 'Is that you, Stephen?'; and my security answer will be, 'No, nana, it's me Richard...Stephen died in the war, remember?"
On the other hand, the vegans apparently have an endless supply of individuals with the ability to shop in the supermarket produce aisle without ever getting cold . . .
Should be a useful power this December in Copenhagen!
So you see, you can't choose between the two sides, you just can't. The only hope for earth's salvation then appears to be the eventual rise of an NGO whose members look good in vegetable bikinis AND can tell a decent knock-knock-who's-there. When that day comes, I will quit my job in government and join their cause immediately. Even if I have to stand outside concerts in a zorro mask.
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