My batch really should write a book about our individual misadventures as FSOs. There's just too much hilarious/weird/hilariously weird stuff going on at our respective posts that not passing it on to future generations would be a shame, nay, a travesty. We just need to decide on an appropriate title, something self-promoting like "Bantay ng mga Bagong Bayani", or defiant like "Pasaway 'Til I Die: The Batch XIII Story", or existential/practical like "Kailangan Talaga ng Personal Appearance."
oh, if only all the awesome FSO book titles hadn't been already taken
Anyway, here's a taste of things they most certainly did not teach us during cadetship:
CHAPTER I: BARRIO FIESTARRRS
Mentally calculating the age difference -- good Lord woman, you've been fawning over him since he was that hyperactive little kid on "That's Entertainment"!!
"We don't have any celebrities for the day itself, but the FilCom held their celebration on June 6 and 7 and Marvin Agustin (I keep on calling him Marvin Bautista), Mark Bautista, Jennylyn Mercado, Tuesday Vargas, and Edu Manzano were there. The Philippine Country Fair will have some comedians...Gretchen Barretto, Richard Poon, and Billy Crawford, for whom I have a crush that borders on DOM-ly (Dirty Old Matrona). I've already volunteered myself to be his liaison officer (nobody was paying attention to him because all the other matronas were fawning over Edu) but, alas, I have other duties so I won't be able to fulfill them."
Understood, but did you consider doing the Robot?
"We've got a 15-minute TV show that will feature RP with me included in the fashion show. I looked liked a robot during the shoot. Anyway, I convinced the director to edit me out of the final copy of the show. Kukuha ako ng copy ng video. Ipapalabas nila sa TV sa 15 June. I'm sure edited out na ako dun."
CHAPTER II: CONSULARRRRGGGHHH
And coming 'round the final turn it's Window 2 by a length, followed by Complete Application Forms, and then Royal Blue Background. Into the homestretch here comes Pay the Cashier....
"Some smart people at the consular section came up with the idea of using microphone and speakers to queue applicants.. .i didnt notice if that helped the system or made our service more efficient...but the sure thing is that it made our mornings feel like were back home watching a race at San Lazaro..."
Hoo boy. He's really gonna get upset now that it's off the air
"We installed a 32 inch flat screen television in one corner of the consular waiting area last week (and promptly got told off for not having TFC by an irate client who, I suppose, can't live without his Wowowee)"
CHAPTER III: VISAAAAAAHHH
At some point, a Jedi mind trick was used here. Well done.
"Visa applicant calling on the phone: I want a visa, i sent you my passport and fifty dollars! (actual answer: sir you should not have done that, we cannot process your visa unless you personally apply for it in the embassy and it will be decided upon after 5 working days) Reply: no, i cannot do that i'm very busy. (answer: then you'll have to send somebody to get your passport and fifty dollars) Reply: why before I can apply only like this? (answer: it never happened) Reply: the consul told me I can do this (answer: I am the consul and I never said that nor will I). Reply: I will have you fired I am an important man in my government. (answer: i don't care). Reply: ok i will come to the Embassy tomorrow."
Speaking of powerful forces, was there any problem in the history of Philippine offices that wasn't fixed by a "Tito Boy" or an "Ate Fely"? I say no.
"i can relate sa visa incident. meron pa ngang sasabihan ka ng "i will call the police!" my visa officer replied, " and i will call mang danny and kuya joe".
CHAPTER IV: EMBASSEEEEEEEEEE!!!
When I asked the posted batchmates for their Tales of the Recently Departed, I didn't mean the actual departed departed
"Kami dito sa Consular Section we have resident ghosts...Nung Wednesday, nakita namin yung consular table (8 seater) na maraming set of footprints of different sizes, tapos nakataob daw yung sign pen holder sa may counter...May isang set of kiddie footprints, may adult footprints din. What is strange is that the night before, our house keeper polishes the table, and it's not possible that overnight, there will be people walking on top of the consular table because the consular area is secured (and why would anyone want to step on the table?) Our security attache says na nagsasayaw daw yung mga resident ghosts, kasi when he comes in the morning at 06h30, he hears thumping of feet at the consular area, but there's nobody around. The footprint incident has happened so many times before, it was only on Wednesday that I was able to see the actual sets of footprints..."
Dancing ghosts? Let the record show that I am against any "Pure Energy" music that could encourage them to form "Thriller" lines
"I had heard my colleagues' stories about spirits in the chancery. I have never really believed in ghosts and if ever they did exist, I don't think I'd be the type they'd show themselves to. But just to feel more secure I was playing Gary V.'s Revive album while I was waiting to leave so Casper would be pacified by the music."
In progress, Chapter V: The Vin d' Noooooooooo!!!
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