BARRIOMETRICS

As my sixth and final summer in the UK comes to a close, I feel it's high time to share my knowledge, experience and understanding of the undisputed highlights of the season: the three weeks it's not cold and rainy the Barrio Fiestas.

To be clear, these are not power rankings.  I have too much respect and admiration for all the different Barrio Fiesta organizers to consign any of them to the bottom of some personal hack list.  There are also so many Barrio Fiestas now across the UK that there's no chance of getting to all of them, let alone fairly evaluating the quality of their respective handas.

But if there were rankings to be made, these would be the advanced metrics that would go into them:

• Size Matters? -- Goldilocks (fairy tale, not bakery) principle. Scale your event too small, and you run the risk of people overrunning your attractions and facilities and subsequently making snarky "hay, naku"-type comments on social media. Make it too big, and you give off a depressing nilalangaw atmosphere.

• BBQi -- The barbecue index. I'd say 80% of the motivation to get out of bed and travel to a Barrio Fiesta is the thought of making an epic Pinoy food run. Lechon, tapa, pinakbet, kare-kare, bistek, bibingka, sorbetes among many many others are all in play. From what I've seen, the quality is constant; it's the volume and variety that matters. Organizers should thus be sure not only that there are enough food tents, but that they do not run out of anything. The last thing you want is someone despondently walking away muttering "wala na raw, yun pa naman sadya ko dito." Heartbreaking.      

• Bring the Kids -- Barrio Fiestas are of course family affairs, and if there's anything certain, it's that the kidlings will get sugared up from all the halo-halos, and they will get bored right about the time us Embassy folk take to the festival stage and talk about the importance of dual citizenship and overseas registration. It is important then for the young 'uns to have a distraction or something to do very close by. Ideally, there's a nearby large public playground where they can run wild to their heart's content for free. The next best thing is an onsite funfair/carnival where the kids can still work off their hyper, but at £2 a ride/game/thrill. They'll be happy, but you'll be down 30 quid at the end of the day. Pang-kain rin 'yon.

• Fabuloos -- I need not elaborate the consequences of having too few clean toilet facilities.  In a word: eww. I will, however, give bonus points for how splendid the name of the portaloo service provider is. As you'll see below, the short list of industries that demand luxurious, high-end company names goes: 1) private jet charters; 2) five-star resorts; 3) portable toilets.

• Fringe Benefits -- There will always be a big stage in front to entertain you, there will always be stores all around to drain you. A Barrio Fiesta's X-factor will be the fun vibe you get from spontaneous happenings at the fringes of the grounds.  The more WTF moments, the better.

• Star Grazing -- Every Barrio Fiesta tries to set a line-up of celebrity performers as a "draw". Now, star power is inherently subjective, and to be honest I can't name that many current celebrities (are there still "Regal Babies"?). So my key metric here is simple: can the LLDD-Hyphen-L get close enough to the headline act to take a selfie?

Note No.1: I deliberately excluded some Barrio Fiesta factors that remain important, but which all the different organizers seem to have gotten down so pat they're practically constants or givens already. These include: onsite parking; good first-aid and security; sufficiently LOUD STAGE LOUDSPEAKERS; attendance by the local Lord Mayor; a nice tent for the Embassy to work in (although sometimes placed RIGHT NEXT TO THE STAGE LOUDSPEAKERS); payong and pamaypay giveaways; an appearance by Ima Castro.

Note No. 2: Organizers try to fill in the hours before the headline celebrity act appears with various performers from the Fil-com. Now, since these are Barrio Fiestas, ideally I'd like to see a lot of presentations that showcase Philippine culture, particularly because a lot of British and other non-Filipinos pass through and explore the festival grounds, and it would be a great opportunity to show them how Pinoys do. While there are in fact a number of performers who rock the singkil or kundiman, most others take to the stage like they're auditioning for Britain's Got Talent. This leaves me conflicted. On the one hand, these are still Filipino talents. On the other hand, I once heard three different Fil-bands birit "Rolling in the Deep" the same afternoon. It just got confusing for everyone.

Note No. 3: Where there is no ambiguity is my distaste for the screechy emcee. Look, I know that hosting is hard. I've flopped, died and heard crickets in front of enough public events to maintain highest respect for the game "Let's have a warm of applause!" type of  host. What I cannot stand is the emcee who thinks toilet-innuendo and audience insulting is entertaining and the only way to move things along. I don't know when this trend began, but a lot (but not all) of the Barrio Fiestas now have a stretch where the host calls some people onto the stage, and then just flat out spews bile. Ay, ang baho-baho naman ng kili-kili nito. Ikaw ate, gusto mo magpa-_______ sa katabi mo? Virgin ka pa? Maniwala akong hindi ka na virgin, ang pangit-pangit mo, and so on.  And don't get me started on the one trick/single-type-of-rude-joke stand-up "comedians" who don't bother to adjust their material in front of the families, young children and all those living in the houses around the festival grounds who can hear all of the comics' simulated sex noises BLASTING FROM THE STAGE LOUDSPEAKERS.  

Bwiset.  But enough of my sidetrack ranting. Back to happy thoughts. Let's see how the last five Barrio Fiestas I attended fared. 

MORDEN

Scouting Report 

Morden is the traditional lead-off hitter of the Barrio Fiesta season, taking up the first weekend of June. This actually works against it, as it coincides with many of the other Independence Month activities and thereby gets divided participation.  Still, I've never not seen it festive and well-attended. You might say - ahem - it's Morden meets the eye.

If it were a World Cup team, it would be: Columbia (early darling; unfortunate timing puts it up against bigger opponents)

Size Matters?

Just right, not overly ambitious. Spacious grounds, but relatively not that many tents and stalls. Sarap humilata.

BBQi

I wasn't able to take a photo at the Barrio Fiesta itself, but I distinctly recall the food spread to be most satisfying. Just make do with the picture of me and the LLDD-Hyphen-L enjoying lunch the day after. 

Bring the Kids

No playground, but a comprehensive funfair. Not one but two kinds of trampolines for the LLDD-Baby to work out her chubby little legs.  

Fabuloos

I'll make this category easier from here on: the top picture will speak for itself as to quantity. The name of the loo provider will speak for itself as to quality.  So...A1!

Fringe Benefits

Some other Barrio Fiestas have tried it, but I believe Morden was the first to set up volleyball courts and hold a tournament on the grounds. I had half a mind to rip off my shirt, oil up and call myself "Maverick".

Star Grazing 

Because of the aforementioned schedule conflicts, we weren't around when the stars came out, so there was no chance for a selfie. This would not prove to be a problem, as this particular set of celebrities was apparently booked for every other Barrio Fiesta. We would meet again.

SOUTHAMPTON

Scouting Report

A first-timer to the Barrio Fiesta scene. Very much the rookie, but with tremendous upside.

If it were a World Cup team, it would be: Greece (seems like it's been here before, but it's actually its first time to reach the knock-out stages [and advances!])

Size Matters?

Just like Greece, played it very cautious its first time time around and turtled a bit. Still, the smallish scale made for an intimate setting, and showed how much more room there is for it to grow.

BBQi 

And the key things a rookie like Southampton must learn: have more food stands offering barbecue; have more food stands offering barbecue other than chicken inasal; have more food stands offering barbecue other than chicken inasal run by a manong who doesn't shoo customers away shouting "Matagal mag-ihaw! Wala pang luto!" 

Bring the Kids

It was across the street and at the other end of the park, but there was a very big and modern playground for the LLDD-baby to frolic. We're good.

Fabuloos

Aces!

Fringe Benefits   

An indigenous dance battle broke out near the parking lot. So yeah, things be cool.

Star Grazing

Well, selfies with the stars can't get any better than this, can they?  I thought so too, until I stumbled upon Southampton's facebook page and found out who the initial headline acts were supposed to be.

Oh, what might have been.


HOUNSLOW

Scouting Report

Bit of a backstory here. This year's event at Hounslow is actually a first-time spin-off of the Mother of All Barrio Fiestas (MOABF, we'll get this this later) that used to be held in the same venue but which grew so big it had to move out to more spacious digs at the outskirts of London. Legend goes that the Hounslow organizers wanted to re-boot the whole MOABF concept: have less commerce and more culture; fence the area and charge admission to control crowd numbers; maintain a separate closed-off children's area, among other new features. Hounslow didn't even refer to itself as a Barrio Fiesta; it was rather a "Summer Festival".

If it were a World Cup team, it would be: USA (upstart newcomer that does things its own way; calls the game by a different name)  

Size Matters?

The total land area was the same as before, but there were clearly a lot fewer commercial tents. This may have been by design -- the admission charge probably meant the organizers didn't need to rent out so much space to businesses in order to raise revenue. This worked out both ways. On the one hand, customers weren't spoiled for choice any more. On the other hand, the grounds were roomier and more relaxed, and you no longer had to run the gauntlet of hundreds of salespersons handing out flyers, giveaways and whatnot. And judging by the size of the crowds, people did not seem to be deterred by the entrance fee (although I suppose it might be possible a lot of them were there because they thought the MOABF had returned to Hounslow)            

BBQi

They may have downscaled the number of businesses in general, but they did not scrimp on the barbecue offerings. Good call.

Bring the Kids

There was a big playground nearby, but Hounslow also scattered old-timey wooden fun fair rides all around the grounds. Nice touch, although it was a bit tiring getting from one ride to another. Good thing you could cool your heels in a solar-powered movie tent. (now, whether there was even a sun in London, well......)

Fabuloos

Admittedly, naming your portaloo after a phonebooth time machine does not connote comfort or luxury. It connotes AWESOMENESS!!!

Fringe Benefits

Another nice touch: Hounslow was the only place that set up an alternative stage at the back of the grounds, just like at the big rock festivals. From the little I heard, the acts (and crowd) here were - shall we say - less mainstream, but by no means less fun!        

Star Grazing

Just trust me, the LLDD-Hyphen-L has a grand-slam selfie with all three of the headline acts. The question you should instead be asking: Marvin's big performance number was...a motivational speech?!???  

BIRMINGHAM

Scouting Report

One of the older, more established Barrio Fiestas around.  I fondly remember Birmingham as my first ever out-of-London trip, and it's held up ever since.

If it were a World Cup team, it would be: Netherlands (perennial power, but hasn't won the big one yet)

Size Matters?

Birmingham seems to have downsized just a hair over the years, but it still has one of the biggest Fil-coms outside of London, so tuloy ang ligaya.

BBQi

Although this should never have happened, especially to a seasoned veteran like Birmingham.

Bring the Kids

Its funfair consisted of one bouncy slide, one carousel, and one win-a-prize stall. Its playground was likewise relatively compact. Put the two together, however, and there was juuust enough for the LLDD-baby to do while the Embassy gave its riveting talk on absentee voting and housing loans.  

Fabuloos

Exclusive!

Fringe Benefits

I wrote about this before during my first visit six years ago: rain or shine, Birmingham has a most special Santacruzan.

Star Grazing

Rey Valera. Game OVER.

APPS COURT

Scouting Report

Apps Court has been the venue of the Mother of All Barrio Fiestas for the past two years. As I mentioned earlier, MOABF used to be held in Hounslow, but just got so big over the years (around 60,000 people go to it over a weekend) that it had to find a more sprawling/less constricted location away from the city centre. MOABF maintained if not expanded its popularity its first year at Apps Court -- to mixed results. While it was as big, fun and raucous as ever, it also saw many of its facilities overwhelmed, particularly car parking and shuttle transport (unlike Hounslow, Apps Court was miles away from the nearest tube/train station), as well as - oh, no - portaloos.

If it were a World Cup team, it would be: Brazil (still the most storied and successful of them all despite all the recent challenges; infrastructure issues hounded its hosting)

Size Matters

So big, I have to go panoramic on your ass (and still capture less than half the place). That being said, the crowds this year appeared much more manageable - if smaller - than the first time MOABF was held at Apps Court.  It could be some people got deterred by the previous year's problems; it could be the re-emergence of a more central barrio fiesta, er, summer festival at Hounslow; or it could be the MOABF organizers this year simply doubled up on the transportation and toilets and everything seemed much more pleasant.    

BBQi

Oh yeah, forgot to mention: all those white-roofed tents you see stretched into the horizon? Food stalls.

Bring the Kids

No neighbourhood playground nearby (heck, there was no neighbourhood nearby!). But as you might expect from the MOABF, it had the grandest, most elaborate funfair of them all. Yeee-HAAAA! 

Fabuloos

Nondescript service provider name, but who cares! These were by FAR the most lush and upscale field toilet facilities around!! I'm talking container van roomy and franchise restaurant comfy! And are those...are those soap dispensers and hand blowers?

(i'm not gonna cry, i'm not gonna cry)

Seriously, the only other time I've seen portaloos as nice as these was during the Pope's event at Hyde Park, so we may as well assign them the same name grade.

    
Superloo!! YES YOU ARE!!!

Fringe Benefits

Yes, there was a lot going on. And I'm not sure I want to know that much about it.

Star Grazing

One of the MOABF organizers herself said it best: "Kahit kami, hindi makalapit sa mga artista, ang daming bodyguard! Buti pa si Ambassador, puwedeng tabihan."

In fairness, the Ambassador never went around a Barrio Fiesta in jeggings.