Y'all remember where you were when you heard the big news that M.C. Hammer "dropped the M.C." and would just be known as "Hammer"? Neither do I! And neither do I remember anything about Overseas Absentee Voting officially dropping the "A" and becoming only "O.V", but here we are.
What I do recall is always having a good time working elections abroad, so for this year's edition, let's just keep hammering early 90's references into bankruptcy shall we? Proper.
Here Comes The Hammer
The month before the overseas voting period has become known as the time when Foreign Service Posts worldwide have to gear up and get ready for electoral training and re-tooling. Our regional boot camp this year took place in Singapore (awesome) and was memorable for, among others: the introduction of automated vote-counting machines (VCMs)...
and the corresponding sad demise of the "kahon" hand tally
...sharing the hotel's ballroom with not one but two wedding receptions...
where our ballot-challenging shouts of "QUESTIONABLE", "INVALID" and "SPOILED" were hopefully not misunderstood by the newly married couples next door
...the test ballot bearing funky mock party-list names as "Clash of Chakas", "Kilusan ng mga Kulot," and "Eklavoo"...
"2NE1 Party-list" sounds like a legit 90's R&B boy band
...and a happy discovery and unauthorized social media sharing that I and two of my training seatmates/officers of neighboring Pacific posts graduated from the same high school in successive years
years that feel all the M.C. Hammer references
Addams Family Groove
After the regional training, everyone returns to their respective posts and forms two main groups of balloteers: the "Counters" and the "Custodians". The two have distinct responsibilities and goals, but to succeed they must constantly coordinate and complement each other.
"hey, great counting"
"thanks, nice custody"
U Can't Touch This
I was our Post's Chair of Counting and certified VCM operator, which meant I and only I could unlock, feed and shut down the machine while pretending to be Timothy Dalton-era James Bond diffusing a bomb while making blip-blip-blip-blip sounds
for real though, the thing had the look and feel of a 'roided fax machine
Turn This Mutha Out
There was a very small window from when the Custodians received the ballots and other election materials to when they had to sort, fill and mail out thousands of complete envelope kits to every voter. This was the one part of the process that still couldn't be automated, and on weekends and after office hours it was literally all hands on deck. (well, all hands and one tongue, as one Custodian initially refused to use a glue stick and insisted on licking all the envelopes instead)
like how George's fiancee died on Seinfeld, i am aware
2 Legit to Quit
Election day! With the Manila-Sydney time difference, we could only officially start counting the votes by mid-evening, and the VCM - bless its fax machine heart - could count quickly but could only print out full sets of results at a rate of about one hour per precinct, and we had like 10 precincts to get through! And regulations prevented us from taking any break or suspension in the counting, which meant everyone worked and stayed up through the night and into the next morning without any rest or sleep. I personally would only try to shut my eyes (while standing up!) within the 90-second window it took the VCM's thermal paper to pour out a strip of results.
like Kramer's Da Vinci sleep-method on Seinfeld. giddy-up.
Pray
Happy to report that we had nothing to report with respect to counting: all ballots were duly tallied (although I still miss yelling "kahon"), every printout was signed and verified, and there was no VCM glitch to speak of. But the stress and suspense, at least for me, was far from over. As the Consulate's chief Counter/pretend Double-0-agent, I still had the task of immediately transporting all of the election results - document and digital - to the Philippine Embassy in Canberra and hope everything was delivered completely, securely and swiftly enough to be accepted - legally and digitally - by the Board of Canvassers and their fancy satellite'-transmission computer. One missing paper or one tech fail and we would miss the election deadline.
we had to pray just to make it that day
Have You Seen Her?
Happy to report that there was nothing to report with respect to canvassing, encoding and transmission: everything was sent up into the atmosphere and received back in Manila with time to spare. With a couple of hours to kill before my scheduled return to Sydney, I got a chance to roam and check out the beautiful Embassy grounds for the first time ever.
its party bus has been breaking it down since the 90s
So that's it. The end of this year's O.V. odyssey. It was long, tiring and stressful, but as before also thoroughly enjoyable and gratifying. Honestly, I was still pumped, and could have kept going and going and going until --
Ohhh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh. Ohhh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh.
