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TIRED OF NOT BEING INVITED TO EMBASSY COCKTAIL PARTIES?
CAN’T SIT AT THE COOL CADETS’ TABLE IN THE CAFETERIA?
FEELING LESS LIKE AN ATTACHÉ AND MORE LIKE A DE-TACHÉ?
WELL, HAVE WE GOT THE SOLUTION POUR VOUS!!! WITH THE NEW DIPL-O-MATICTM HANDBOOK, YOU TOO CAN TALK LIKE A DIPLOMAT!!!
THE SECRET? JUST SPRINKLE A FEW OF THE DIPL-O-MATIC'STM DIPLO-LINGOTM IN YOUR NORMAL CONVERSATION, SIT BACK, AND WATCH YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU “BOY ENVOY” IN NO TIME!
IT’S THAT EASY!
WITH THE DIPL-O-MATICTM HANDBOOK, YOU’LL DAZZLE EVERYONE AS YOU USE COMMON WORDS IN DIPLO-CONTEXTTM! YOU’LL LEARN TO USE TERMS LIKE:
Onboard – Simply means you’re flying on the same plane as the principal. So if an official asks “Are you onboard?”, he is NOT asking if you’re a team player, and you should NOT smack him for questioning your loyalty. He probably just wants to know if you’re ok with sitting in the middle row next to the snoring fat guy.
Capital – During international gatherings, diplomats don’t refer to their capital cities by name, like Manila or London or Coruscant. They simply say “Capital”, as in “I’m waiting for instructions from Capital”, or “I hope Capital doesn’t check what I ordered on my hotel pay-per-view.”
Intervention – A form of statement read by a country representative during a multilateral activity. If a diplomat mentions “there was a substantive intervention this morning”, don’t reply “I thought Britney was already in rehab.” Leave Britney alone!
Quid Pro Quo – Same meaning as anywhere else, except diplomats like saying “QPQ” (which is unfortunate, because Hannibal going “QPQ, Clarisse. QPQ. Ffffftttttttfffftttttt!” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it)
Overpass – Anyone can get into a plenary session or opening/closing ceremony with a standard identification card, but you need an additional limited-issue pass – an overpass – to place above the common I.D. to get into the smaller, more exclusive meetings. Bring a smile to a diplomat’s face by noticing his overpass, as this recognizes his importance, standing and “heat” (on the flipside, there's nothing more fun at multilateral events than watching “overpass envy” in action, as herds of delegates march through convention center gates, get turned back at meeting room entrances for lack of overpasses, and then endlessly roam the hallways and eyeball other people's I.D.s)
Plus “X” – Signifies the size of the principal’s posse at an event, as well as indicates the likelihood whether someone like you will get to join (see “Overpass”). “Plus One” means it’s just the principal and another VIP who are invited (you’re definitely out of this one); “Plus Five” means inclusion of less senior and maybe some middle-class officials (you’re still probably not included, but no harm in dreaming); “Plus 20” is for large events like cultural shows and galas (20 is usually larger than the size of your entire country delegation, so if you still don’t get an invitation to this one, brother, you’ve got bigger problems). And don't confuse any of these with the many different ASEAN Plus “X” configurations, like ASEAN Plus One, ASEAN Plus Three, ASEAN Plus Six, ASEAN Plus Riboflavin, and ASEAN Plus 50 Free Texts.
AGAIN, IT’S THAT FREAKIN’ EASY!!! WE’LL EVEN TEACH YOU HOW TO BRING DIPLOMATS TO ECSTASY BY STRINGING ALL THE TERMS TOGETHER! CONSTRUCT SENTENCES LIKE:
“Did you discuss the QPQ onboard from Capital? There may be an intervention during the Plus Five. Nice Overpass.”
DIPLO-TASTIC!!!
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!
IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE’LL THROW IN THE "ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO GIVING DIRECTIONS LIKE A LIAISON OFFICER"!
(Actually, this is all wrong: the bottom of the barong is not square, the arm should be higher/almost perpendicular to the body, and the palm should not be facing upward. But, damn, the model's hot!)
AND JUST LISTEN TO THESE SATISFIED TESTIMONIALS:
"Before, I didn't know a Demarche from a Di'Mark's. Now, I know how to give a diplomatic representation of my government's official position AND where to get great thin-crust pizza! Thanks Dipl-o-matic!" - B.S., 35
"I used to be just some leader, but with Dipl-o-matic, I'm now SOM Leader!" - L.R., 29
"I lost 15 pounds and have firmer abs!....what?....what do you mean wrong infomercial?" - LLDD, 30-ish
YOU GET THE IDEA!
SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? ORDER NOW!
(The Dipl-O-Matic company only accepts cash, major credit cards and QPQs. Promo not valid in countries that haven't signed the Treaty of Amity and Cooperation)
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