IN A STROKE OF HOLIDAY BRILLIANCE/STUPIDITY, MY BROTHERS-IN-LAW AND I SAVE THE ECONOMY

You've heard of eco-tourism, medical tourism and tourism tourism?

Well, behold! We give you: Philippine New Year's "Jackass" Tourism!

The idea is as simple and stupid as the MTV show that inspired it: dudes all over the world will pay to come here during the holidays for a chance to take part in all sorts of jackassery.

Absurd, you say? My Singapore-based, Aussie-bred kid nephews beg to differ. Every year, their extended school break runs from December to January, and every year -- despite opportunity to spend their vacation elsewhere -- they insist on going to the Philippines for New Year's.

Why? Because here, they get to blow s*** up.

And that's just for starters. Freed of school-time discipline and foreign government oversight, the kids run wild with their games. They develop, for instance, a form of backyard Swing-Dodgeball where the object is to hang from a swing, taunt their uncles, and have said uncles kick them with a football as hard as possible until one of them cries "I'm bleeding."

(we expect to here from either Manchester United or social services very soon)

Still not content, the nephews insist on being taken to the annual neighborhood holiday carnival. Mind you, these boys have been to the likes of Disneyland and Universal Studio theme parks, and have experienced some of the biggest, most expensive attractions known to mankind.

Those places, however, do not have....The Quezon Memorial Circle Wall of Death!!!!



Excuse me, the Quezon Memorial Circle International Wall of Death.

Be clear, the photo above flatters the International Wall of Death and actually makes it look safe. In person, however, the International Wall of Death will wuss you up real good. There is simply no visible safety measure in place. The wall's wood boards are so loosely held together the whole setup wobbles like a New Year's drunk even before the bikes get going. The riders enter through an mis-fitted wall hatch that has to be kicked back into place. The spectators stand on a ledge that's designed 30 feet high, three feet wide, any railing too short and 50 IQ points too few.

And once the show starts, kiss your machismo goodbye. The platform shakes violently every which way, so much so my brothers-in-law start calculating if they can jump and make it to a nearby tree with one kid under each arm once the inevitable wall collapse takes place. The riders don't go around in neat circles, they wildly zoom towards the top edge and literally take money from the spectators' hands. And because the audience platform is so narrow, there is no escape for anyone; you can only choose between falling backwards to a 30-foot drop or falling forwards towards that crazy-eyed motorcyclist riding no-hands and crossed-legged and HEADING RIGHT TOWARDS YOU.

Oh, and after all that, they run a car up the wall.

(excuse me while I air-dry the pants I just peed in)

Needless to state, the boys LOVED IT. Which got all their supervising adults thinking: we can make money out of this. Seriously, what kid (and his parent) from a bleak winter climate/overly restrictive government system wouldn't want to come here and experience explosions, balls to the face and possible death-by-carnival? We can even make the whole thing a package tour together with the season's other events. I mean, guess what's going to take place just a couple of days from now?

Whoa.

And there are food concession opportunities as well. As so articulately explained by Cracked.com, what kind of breakfast do you think thrill-seekers seek?

That's right. Our very own.

So there you have it. One in-laws' brilliant idea. Now we don't expect to be paid royalties or anything. But there will be accidents. There will be injuries/violations of the international rights of the child. And I will still be a lawyer. So.....

Let's just say, it's the "Jackass" way.