HIDDEN BRITAIN

On this, the first anniversary of my posting in the UK, I present "Hidden Britain", i.e., never before seen material I compiled over the past year but was too lazy and unimaginative to use in this blog earlier. Kinda like a year-end review, but in April.

PARK AUTHORITY

Londoners! No doubt at one point, a New Yorker has gotten all "greatest city in the world" in your face and dared you to one-up Central Park with Hyde Park. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. Yes, Central Park may be a great place on its own, but to me London has a better network of complimentary big parks all over the city. Put another way, New York just has the Death Star; London has Battlestar Galactica and the rest of the human armada around it.

(click names for complete album)

HYDE PARK / KENSINGTON GARDENS

In Philippine Mall Terms: Hyde Park would be Megamall, while Kensington Gardens right beside it would be Shangri-La. Hyde's more massive, but Kensington is more sosyal (and you have to pay to use the toilet)

ST. JAMES'S PARK / GREEN PARK

In Philippine Mall Terms: the Glorietta and Greenbelt-1 tandem. Relatively small, with royalty and riches in between.

REGENTS PARK

In Philippine Mall Terms: Rockwell/Powerplant. Slightly off the main commercial centers and a bit more detached from the crowds - and likes it that way!

KEW GARDENS

In Philippine Mall Terms: actually, closer to one of those big Alabang subdivision bazaars, in that you first have to go through really posh neighborhoods to reach it, and then you have to pay to get in. It's also close to the so-vast-it-seems-empty Richmond Park, which would make it the Festival Mall in all of this.

THE UK POLITICIAN ALL-NAME TEAM

• Alistair Darling (chancellor)
• Ed Balls (children, schools and families)
• Dr. Fox (shadow defence)
• Baron Sugar (enterprise)
• The Lord Adonis (transportation)

Indeed

ONE OR THE OTHER? I CHOOSE OTHER.

Sue me, I still don't get modern art. Last summer right outside the Embassy, there was this public performance art project called One and Other where, for 100 straight days and 24/7, anyone could occupy the vacant Fourth Plinth at Trafalgar Square and, well, perform. Each "artist" could stay on the plinth for one hour and do whatever they wanted, and then be elaborately replaced by the next performer - 2,400 in total.

Now, if you're like me, you're immediately thinking, "what's a plinth?" You then go on to ask "what will this whole activity reveal about the human psyche and spirit?"

Not much, apparently. Whenever I'd go to the site during my lunch break in search of artistic awesomeness, I'd invariably just get people standing around in funny outfits or holding unreadable signs, or else sitting down doing what I could have done if I stayed and ate lunch at my desk.

If sitting and texting and typing on a computer is art, then I'm freakin' Damien Hirst.




I WATCH SO YOU CAN BE PRETENTIOUS

As a service to (both) my readers, I am herein offering to verify whether a British show haughtily mentioned at some snooty dinner party actually exists and/or is any good. On the other hand, if you want to go on the offensive and be the one to drop some knowledge, you can start off with some of these British TV comedies.

• The InBetweeners - All the teenage awkwardness and raunchiness of the first "Amercian Pie", with absolutely no attempt to be lovable or endearing.
• The Thick of It [warning: NSFW langauge] - Source of last year's Oscar nominated (and LLDD recommended for FSOs) movie "In The Loop". Really, if you can survive 30 minutes of Malcolm Tucker, you can *%$#!-ing survive anything.
• Mock the Week / Never Mind the Buzzcocks / Any British comedy panel show - All the socio-political commentary of the Daily Show, but with less script, more (and funnier) hosts, and just a total lack of respect for anything and everything.

FACEBOOK FLAPPING

For whatever reason, my "others photos of me" album over the past year was littered with pictures of me seemingly modelling underarm deodorant.

BRIT-SPEAK I THINK I CAN/CAN'T GET AWAY WITH MY FRIENDS BACK HOME KUNG HINDI BATOK MAABUTAN KO.

Can

• Referring to potato "chips" as "crisps"
• Saying "cheers" instead of "thank you"
• Looking for the "toilet" instead of the "C.R."

Can't

• Referring to french fries as "chips"
• Inflecting "yeah?" at the end of sentences
• Asking if the MRT is on "good service"
• Pronouncing Pantene shampoo as "Pan-Ten"
• Saying "whilst"

MUSICAL MIX-UPS

I've actually been to a few musically-significant cities around the UK, but stayed there for too short a time / was too busy to check out any of their scenes. Here then is a totally useless montage para lang madamay ko kayo.

Swindon

Significance - The town's leisure centre is supposedly where Oasis got it's name. Perhaps more importantly, it's the hometown of the guy who wrote and sang "Alone again (naturally)".

See anything? - For an entire afternoon, the back of a guy's head.





Blackpool

Significance - Had a long-standing ban against the Rolling Stones, yet also home to the annual Rebellion Punk Rock Festival. It's also host of an internationally-renowned ballroom dance competition.

See Anything? - The Women's British Open was in town but, alas, I was so busy with work in a hotel basement that I never caught a glimpse of Boomer/Athena/LLDD-Hyphen-L lookalike Michelle Wie.

Liverpool

Significance - Are you kidding? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

See anything - Fellow deodorant models doing the wave (and the fil-com youth band was really good)





AND FINALLY, SOME SIGNS OF THE TIMES

None were quite on the level of our "Petal Attraction" or "Pusit to the Limit", but some great British humour nonetheless.

Oh gee, thanks. Big help.

I don't think this would fly at the main DFA offices, even after the consulate section moved to ASEANA.

Prozac's choice of spokesperson and latest ad campaign was controversial, to say the least.

Whoooooo's a good sign maker? Whooooooo's a good sign maker?

So that's it, pansit. I have yet to see the Changing of the Guard, been on the London Eye or gone to a Premiere League match, but all in all it's been a great first year at post, UK! I'll leave it then to one of your own signs and brit-speak to convey my personal appreciation.

Hugh-re welcome!

ONE-TWO GIRL FANTASY!

(editor's note: once again, I apologize to all those who entered the above subject heading in their search engine expecting...um...something else, and instead were directed to my annual fantasy league results; guys, c'mon, you go through this every year)

Holy Erin Andrews! In the male-dominated and FSO-laced world of MetroManilaBalls Fantasy Basketball League, this year's champion is no other than...(drumroll)...the one...the only....

THE LLDD-HYPHEN-L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's literally a trophy wife!!

Not only that, she was followed closely by the only other WNBA-eligible fantasy manager in the league, Shingapore Stars a.k.a batchmate ISOLATE HER AIR AIM!

Girl-on-girl!

To add insult to injury, every guy's butt was comprehensively kicked by the only two ladies in the league - even while the girls were swamped during the season with their Master Degree studies!

Like I posted on the league page: I don't know if the guys should be ashamed and embarrassed -- or really turned on.

Needless to state, this will make for an interesting year in the LLDD household. It was bad enough when she first joined the League under the mocking name "Chubby Chaser-ella"; it got worse when she beat me two years running and placed second last season; now and for the rest of the year, whenever I ask who's turn is it to do the dishes, she'll just throw me a look, raise an eyebrow, make the "L" sign on her forehead, and smack me with her trophy.

And strangely enough, I'll find that really hot!

MORE THAN "FRIENDS"

I feel really fortunate to sit-in on the meetings of the Department of Tourism-UK's "Friends Philippines" group, an association of Brits and Fil-Brits who have lived or worked in the Philippines and who loved their stay so much they actively promote the country at every opportunity. The gatherings are right there among the most fulfilling and enjoyable parts of my work.* I mean, the meeting rooms are 360-wrapped in posters of white beaches and green islands...discussions take up wonderful (and warm!) places to visit in the Philippines...I get to hear of the latest exciting things to do and adventures to try...the work done goes directly towards helping the economy...I attend the meetings wearing swimming trunks underneath...

Wait, what?

Um, you can't verify that last part. But do trust me, it's feels really good to talk up your country and to get foreigners to give it a go. It's still a lot of hard work on the part of DOT and "Friends", but work never looked and felt so fun.

*(Note: rankings may change if I'm ever asked to judge a pageant; we were made to understand during cadetship that there would be numerous pageants, dammit!)

FAST-TRACK TO AWESOME

Y'all may recall from my previous "fightback" posts about how the Philippines was prominently featured in some UK publications and even on Borman's "By Any Means" show. Those were all DOT's handiwork. Their latest activity involved a BBC World show called Fast:Track which, strangely enough, was shown everywhere except the UK. So...aahh, can anyone tell me if it was it any good? Anyone out there want to chat? Anyone at all? Because I'm soo lonely.

(Oh, right. The show can be seen online on BBC's website. How embarrassing. I'll watch now. Carry on kids.)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/8569932.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/8570563.stm

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/8570570.stm

OH MY LORDS*

(*not to be confused with one UP Law professor's favorite expression "oh my gods")

DOT/"Friends"'s showcase event for the season was a reception at the House of Lords that brought together dignitaries, officials, investors and - yes - Lords. Again, it felt really great to promote your country at such a beautiful, grand and historic venue.

Alas, because of our propensity to "picture-picture" in every permutation possible, we all eventually got shoo'd out and could only look at the place from the outside.

It was an especially delightful affair for me, as the LLDD-Hyphen-L volunteered for DOT and I got to see her work her charm on the crowd.

And rock the jusi!

The highlight of the evening was a presentation on tourism investment opportunities in the Philippines. My boss' speech. . .

...was very well received as it was at once informative, illustrative and imaginative. This came as no surprise as the speechwriter (next to me, below) was award-winning, well-renowned and looked like a Pinoy George Lucas.

Master!

NO, MR BOND. I EXPECT YOU TO DIVE.

The very next day after the House of Lords reception, DOT/"Friends" hauled off to the Excel centre for the huge London International Dive Show. After a quick intensive briefing on diving (a crashdive course? har!) in the Philippines, the LLDD-Hyphen-L and I gamely manned the main desk and began roping in prospects. Now, I cannot overemphasize how much of an absolute stud the Philippines is on the international diving scene. I mean, yes, we had the biggest and best located booth at the event, but passers-by were also tractor-beam drawn in to us because they had heard the stories of the great dive spots in the country, or else had previously been to one of our dive spots and wanted to know like right now where in the Philippines they could next. The lady below, for instance, literally ran to our desk, grabbed our brochures, pounded her finger on the pictures, jumped around and shrieked "my fishes, my fishes!". No exagerration, kinikilig ang mga tao!

I like to think the kilig was because of my tight archipelago t-shirt and "stomach-in", but no, it was because of the fishes.

So yes, the Philippines fracking ruled at the dive show, but that didn't stop other regions from trying gimmicks to grab people's attention. The Caribbean, for instance, had non-stop dancing...

...while serving rum-cokes (which if you ask me, is dirty pool)

Get it, get it? Dirty pool? Dive show? Aah, go jump in a lake.

Not that we'd ever get complacent, but maybe we should have some gimmicks of our own next year. I'm thinking instead of just having scuba mannequins all over the convention center...

...we could have actual people in dive outfits standing perfectly still (like those living statutes in Eastwood/Southbank/La Rambla), who'd then surprise the living beejeezus out of unsuspecting visiting divers!! Think of it, even if people got so scared that a little bit of pee came out...they'd already be in wetsuits! Win-win!

Bad idea? Awesome diving-themed t-shirts would be my next suggestion. Maybe a latexed Dyesebel or something. Either way, you're welcome "Friends", you're welcome.