"BECAUSE I'VE NOTHING ELSE HERE FOR YOU, AND JUST BECAUSE IT'S EASIER THAN THE TRUTH, OH IF THERE'S NOTHING ELSE THAT I CAN DOOO, ANVAAYAAAA COOOVE.."

Oh, Spandau Ballet...is there any real estate development "I'll Fly for You" wouldn't make an ideal soundtrack to?

Anyway, through my sister's grace, the LLDDL and I get to take a day trip to beautiful Anvaya Cove. ("anvaya" is ancient Balinese for "your club membership is good, but we need you to buy a house and lot too"). I say grace, but basically the LLDDL and I just gatecrash my sister's vacation, lured by all those glossy Ayala brochures and scale models you see outside the moviehouses. I mean, just because we could never afford to live in a place that nice doesn't mean we couldn't go there, swim in their pool, take pictures and pretend like we belonged, dammit!

"I haven't got a clue,
I haven't got a thiiii-ing
Cell-cam and speedos
Is all that I could briiii-ing"

First thing's first: getting there. The trip could have been made in under two-and-a-half hours, but I always succumbed to the siren call of expressway rest stops. What is it about these places that makes the burgers seem juicier, the convenience store soft drinks colder, and the bathroom breaks more, um, satisfying?

The new Clark-Subic expressway was as good as advertised. Great countryside views, with nice smooth roads Silver Shadow, my 11-year old car, could easily handle. The only problem for the LLDDL was that I would always burst out into "Life is a hiiiighwaaaaayyyy, IIII'm gonnaaa riiiide it all niiiight loooooonggg..."

(well, it was a problem for her)

Anvaya itself. As you can see, it's drop dead gorgeous, with lush forests, clear waters, and a 2:1 staff-to-guest ratio. The gameplan was for the LLDDL and I to look so happy, my sister would ask us to honeymoon there.

So work it, sweetie, work it. We need sis to give us signing privileges too.

The Fil-Aussie pamangkins (Oi, Oi, Oi and Oi) were there in full force, continuing their New Year's jackassery. Their favorite game was to wait at the bottom opening of the pool slide (the "anus", they called it), and then try to punch/kick/jump on whoever came sliding through. Even the lifeguards gave up on them.

Later in the afternoon, we found out that a couple of prominent families were having a wedding on the beach.

Noooooooooo, no, no, no, sweetie. Don't get any ideas.

After day gives in to night, the whole place is romantically illuminated by what my sister says is "the biggest full moon ever recorded." I build on the mood by remarking "Isn't the moon always the same? How can this full moon be the biggest ever? What, it tried harder this year?"

As we enjoy the beach bonfire, laying on the sand and sipping pina coladas, fireworks go off over the wedding reception. The wedding DJ rattles off a playlist that is -- how shall I put this -- old. He starts off with "Billy Jean", then goes further back in time with "Do the Hustle", "Hound Dog" and "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy". The LLDDL and I decide now's the best time to depart, before the DJ fires up his Charleston re-mix. We're very sad to leave such a beautiful place, but are consoled by the fact that we have our fill of "Friendster" pics, and there are at least three highway rest stops on the way home.

Spandau! Play us out!

"I'm just an average boy,
You're more than average girl,
and when you sing to me
the 'shoo be doos'
you sing so well.
Oh, don't you know that when I drive home
I get Chiiicken joooooooo-oy"

IN A STROKE OF HOLIDAY BRILLIANCE/STUPIDITY, MY BROTHERS-IN-LAW AND I SAVE THE ECONOMY

You've heard of eco-tourism, medical tourism and tourism tourism?

Well, behold! We give you: Philippine New Year's "Jackass" Tourism!

The idea is as simple and stupid as the MTV show that inspired it: dudes all over the world will pay to come here during the holidays for a chance to take part in all sorts of jackassery.

Absurd, you say? My Singapore-based, Aussie-bred kid nephews beg to differ. Every year, their extended school break runs from December to January, and every year -- despite opportunity to spend their vacation elsewhere -- they insist on going to the Philippines for New Year's.

Why? Because here, they get to blow s*** up.

And that's just for starters. Freed of school-time discipline and foreign government oversight, the kids run wild with their games. They develop, for instance, a form of backyard Swing-Dodgeball where the object is to hang from a swing, taunt their uncles, and have said uncles kick them with a football as hard as possible until one of them cries "I'm bleeding."

(we expect to here from either Manchester United or social services very soon)

Still not content, the nephews insist on being taken to the annual neighborhood holiday carnival. Mind you, these boys have been to the likes of Disneyland and Universal Studio theme parks, and have experienced some of the biggest, most expensive attractions known to mankind.

Those places, however, do not have....The Quezon Memorial Circle Wall of Death!!!!



Excuse me, the Quezon Memorial Circle International Wall of Death.

Be clear, the photo above flatters the International Wall of Death and actually makes it look safe. In person, however, the International Wall of Death will wuss you up real good. There is simply no visible safety measure in place. The wall's wood boards are so loosely held together the whole setup wobbles like a New Year's drunk even before the bikes get going. The riders enter through an mis-fitted wall hatch that has to be kicked back into place. The spectators stand on a ledge that's designed 30 feet high, three feet wide, any railing too short and 50 IQ points too few.

And once the show starts, kiss your machismo goodbye. The platform shakes violently every which way, so much so my brothers-in-law start calculating if they can jump and make it to a nearby tree with one kid under each arm once the inevitable wall collapse takes place. The riders don't go around in neat circles, they wildly zoom towards the top edge and literally take money from the spectators' hands. And because the audience platform is so narrow, there is no escape for anyone; you can only choose between falling backwards to a 30-foot drop or falling forwards towards that crazy-eyed motorcyclist riding no-hands and crossed-legged and HEADING RIGHT TOWARDS YOU.

Oh, and after all that, they run a car up the wall.

(excuse me while I air-dry the pants I just peed in)

Needless to state, the boys LOVED IT. Which got all their supervising adults thinking: we can make money out of this. Seriously, what kid (and his parent) from a bleak winter climate/overly restrictive government system wouldn't want to come here and experience explosions, balls to the face and possible death-by-carnival? We can even make the whole thing a package tour together with the season's other events. I mean, guess what's going to take place just a couple of days from now?

Whoa.

And there are food concession opportunities as well. As so articulately explained by Cracked.com, what kind of breakfast do you think thrill-seekers seek?

That's right. Our very own.

So there you have it. One in-laws' brilliant idea. Now we don't expect to be paid royalties or anything. But there will be accidents. There will be injuries/violations of the international rights of the child. And I will still be a lawyer. So.....

Let's just say, it's the "Jackass" way.

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!

Not really not really not really.

You were made to understand by media that office Christmas parties were surefire occasions to go wild, get plastered and - dare you say - hook up.

You were, however, assigned to the Home Office in real life. So what you get instead is a meaningful flag-raising ceremony, a Department choir lending a festive air to the normally staid Home Office lobby, and a totally serviceable puto, bibingka and suman spread.

Still, Hollywood promised debauchery, dammit!

So I head over to my sub-office's own private get-together (or, as I deluded myself into calling it, the "afterparty"). Unfortunately, that shindig was just as tranquil and I didn't even need to take any video/pictures. The highlight of the event (since I struck out on all the door prizes) was the creative kris-kingle where each participant identified himself/herself through song lyrics. Now, if y'all thought it would be easy to guess and match song choices to personality types, y'all obviously have never met our soft-spoken, straight-laced, super-religious staffmember and her rendition of Bon Jovi's "Bed of Roses"!

But I still have one last chance at decadence. That evening, the Batch remnants and vacationers (a whooping five of us) plus the LLDDL have a special Christmas dinner. What makes its special is that, for the first time ever, the O.D.A. tradition is onerously utilized by batchmates. What's O.D.A.? Officially, it means "Official Development Assistance". Unofficially, its a peer-pressure/guilt -trip/blackmail synergy those still assigned at the Home Office lay on those already at post in order to finance the season's eatings. A "magpa-cheeseburger ka naman" for the holidays, if you will.

I never previously invoked O.D.A. and I really didn't know what the mechanics were, so I just jokingly tossed the idea out in an earlier e-mail. Lo and behold, several batchmates came through! A Western Union remittance here, a foreign currency bill in the mail there. Well alright! Make it rain!

Of course, with great generosity comes great bitchiness. "Do we really trust Manny to receive the ODA????" meows one batchmate. The correct answer, of course, is "No, no we don't." But still.

And once us O.D.A. beneficiaries got a taste, there was no stopping. Soon, sights were greedily turned on a batchmate who was still at the Home Office, but who did recently receive a small bump in allowances. Not that there was big money involved, but we had to wet our beaks a little, know what I'm sayin'?

Needless to say, said batchmate could not refuse. "Well, because I now have the CLOUT of an acting director AND the MONEY to go with it, sige, sagutin ko na nga from my rata whatever di kayang i-cover ng whatever LITTLE CHANGE batchmates from abroad can offer... (Manny, Grace, Jollibee venue natin ha... bigyan din natin lahat ng dessert, saka go-large lahat ng drinks... i'm sure the indigents [batchmates] will be very impressed... )".

Good man.

And so we dined like Kings (if Kings dined along Pasay road).

Funny thing about O.D.A, apparently not only do "donors" willingly comply, they're actually sentimental about it. The bill above, for instance, was sent with the handwritten note "I have one request -- take pictures and send them to us via e-mail, Facebook, Friendster, etc. Wish I were there."

Yeah, yeah. Next time, send over a C-note, ok? Great.

Heck, us O.D.A. beneficiaries got cocky and money-drunk among ourselves. Here "Siouxsie" and "Shtar" inspect the LLDDL's engagement rock to see if it meets their standards (prior to O.D.A., tawas would have met their standards)

(speaking of the LLDDL, I still have no idea what's going on at her office)

All told, there was no real depravity and immorality in any of of the day's three parties. Oh well. I just kept on telling myself, "What truly matters at Christmas is the time you spend with family and friends."

And if you believe that, I have some O.D.A. to ask from you.

YEAR IN REVIEW...WITH NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE!

I've always wondered why all those lame year-end "Best of..." lists are so popular. I mean, it couldn't be nostalgia, since all the crap listed happened, like, yesterday. And does the newsmedia really think it's readers are so dumb that they can't comprehend anything not grouped in tens? No, I think those year-in-reviews are everywhere because all writers face the same seasonal problem: they're already in holiday mode, are too smashed to think of anything new, yet still have a boatload of unused pictures/video that they didn't work into their original pieces (because they aren't that good writers to begin with; or because the pictures/videos suck).

Well, guess what! I'm nothing if not a holidayed/smashed/not good writer right now! (or, always). I have no new ideas and have sucky stock footage! Let's just randomly throw some old material together, put it in list form, and let the readers pick through the crap!

Yeah, something like this. Enjoy.

CEREMONIES, IN RETROSPECT, I SHOULD'VE SKIPPED

4. Monaco changing of the guard

Time may have been better spent -- visiting the casino, placing money on Pacquiao.

3. Olympics opening viewed from Phildel secretariat

Time may have been better spent -- trading national pins with Ya Show salesladies; they just make you feel so wanted!

2. PDOS graduation



Time may have been better spent -- teaching whoever took this video how to use a camera.


1. Expo Zarragoza opening

Time may have been better spent -- Let's be clear. The Expo Zarragoza opening fireworks were awesome. However, since I wasn't actually invited to the midnight opening ceremonies, I just shot this video from my hotel room window. And in said hotel room, I made an important discovery: late night free cable TV in Europe is very, ahem, interesting. And graphic.

PICTURES OF THE LLDDL THAT ARE SO GOING TO APPEAR IN OUR WEDDING PRE-NUP VIDEO

5. The "Hint Hint"





4. The "Blockhead"





3. The "Hot Biologist"





2. The "I Don't Want to be Chinita Anymore!"





1. The "What the Hell Goes on in Your Office Anyway?!?"






BEST COSTUMED CHARACTER TO POSE WITH

3. Mall Stormtrooper


Because I wasn't the dorkiest person with him around.



2. Disneyland Buzz


Because, with his limited arm range-of-motion, all he could do was the "Hail, hail alma mater" pose.



1. Filipo the Butanding


Because he's goddamn Filipo, that's why!!!




COOLEST CONCERTS (click on links for excerpts)

5. Swing Out Sister


What made it hot -- They sound today like they did 20 years ago.
What made it not -- I'm old enough to know what they sounded like 20 years ago.



4. Rihanna / Chris Brown

What made it hot -- For her opening number, Rihanna came out in a tangga. Really, you can't start off better than that.

What made it not -- During "Umbrella", some idiot in front held up - you guessed it - an umbrella. I really don't know what sort of thought process leads one to believe opening an umbrella is inherently clever, let alone think it's cool to block everyone's view for the entire song. Idiot.

3. Maroon 5

What made it hot -- Adam Levine was at his smug douchiest. Plus, it was a school night, yet I managed to evade Pardek.

What made it not -- hehehe I was so into it, I didn't notice my weak, whiny voice overpowering the band's sound in the video. The LLDDL hated me for that.

2. Alicia Keys

What made it hot -- The producers thought it would rain so they hastily moved the concert indoors, giving the LLDDL and I much better seats than what we paid for.
What made it not -- This annoying K.S.P. trying-hard socialite-type in front of us kept on loudly requesting Alicia to sing "To the left, to the left!"

1. The U.P. Fair

What made it hot -- Believe it or not, after eight years of attending U.P., this was the first college fair I ever went to. And, damn, the place rocked! I now regret spending all those years playing Nintendo and pusoy dos at home.

What made it not -- That hilarious "emo" look. Long bangs, striped shirts, tight jeans and tsinelas? Really? You know who else looked like that back in the day? Rey "PJ" Abellana! and Leni "Arlene" Santos! And we laughed at them back then, too!!

GOOFIEST PLAYER PROFILE PICS FROM MY YAHOO FANTASY LEAGUES

5. Scott Pollard


Look that he's rocking -- That tall, mute bad guy in "Superman II"


4. Chris Quinn


Look that he's rocking -- "The Grinch", if you squint.


3. Mike Miller

Look that he's rocking -- Whatever look big-gummed, apple-cheeked, widow-peaked yet mulleted dudes are rocking these days

2. Glen "Big Baby" Davis


Look that he's rocking -- art imitating nickname, or some profound s*** like that.


1. Adam Jones


Look that he's rocking -- Narcolepsy




SIGNS/ADS SEEN IN AND AROUND THE HOME OFFICE THAT MAKE YOU GO WTF?

5. Ad for a Skin Care Chain

What they were probably thinking -- "I'm telling you, we have to protect the identity of our clients! Now, if we place a black strip across their eyes during the 'Before' stage, no one will ever, EVER be able to figure out who they are later! Let's do the right thing here!!!"

4. Sign for...well...

What they were probably thinking -- "They'll come for the facials, but stay for the dismemberment!"

3. Sign for a Beauty Parlor

What they were probably thinking -- "It's just like those musicals. Nothing pretentiously captures the essence of something like using 'The' in the title. Oh, and include men in the essence."

2. Sign at a Shoe Store

What they were probably thinking -- not sure, but I like to think this sign was made in a fit of anger by some husband after his wife's last shopping spree.

1. Sign for a Pet Store


What they were probably thinking -- is not fit for publication.




THINGS THAT JUST SOUND BETTER IN SAN REMO, ITALY

3. Free Town Plaza Concert

Could have been more magnifico if -- the opening guitar didn't sound so much like "First Picture of You."

2. Bikexercising

Could have been more magnifico if -- That roof wasn't in the way so I could have recorded more discretely and not seem like a perv. (BTW, the gym instructor seems to say a lot, but really, in stationary biking, aren't commands limited to "stand", "sit", "faster" and "chafe"?)

1. Infomercials



Could have been more magnifico if -- Nothing. This is absolutely perfect as is.

MADNESS, I SAY! MADNESS!

Every year, as the calendar turns December, U.P. students look forward to three things: 1) Kris-kringle revelation parties; 2) the Lantern Parade; and 3) the Oblation run. (I’ve been part of two out of three of these; let’s not discuss which ones)

U.P. Law students, however, have one more special tradition to mark the season, the one event that sets them apart from other law schools: Malcolm Madness. For just one day out of the year, the entire faculty is fair game to teases, taunts and straight-up insults from the student body. Some teachers are cool with it, others are not, but holiday joy and discomfort are felt by all!

In my time, "Madness" was staged as a loose variety show of song, dance and skit. The idea was to get everyone in the batch involved in the fun: those with good voices got to shine up front; those with dance moves got to gyrate in the background; and those with neither were told to just come up with the skewering lyrics and keep out of sight (I fell firmly within this category). "Madness" was also supposed to be a contest among the year-levels, but the competition was really just secondary to the chance to stick it to the professors (although the sight of ordinarily buttoned-up and bookish law students turning into naughty, provocative dance machines onstage was also highly appreciated by everyone).

There was also an added twist to the song competition: no one told the Freshmen – who had never seen a "Madness" before – that the songs were supposed to be parodies. The joyful result: all the bright-eyed newbies would sing their hearts out to some upbeat pop choir medley, then wondered with horrified-looking faces why the audience was snickering at them throughout the performance, like their zippers were open or something. The upperclassmen crushed many a freshman’s confidence this way. Those who survived to the next year-level, however, got to do the same thing to the freshmen that followed them. The circle of life.

And so, as another Malcolm Madness approaches, I recall some of the most memorable lyrics my law class came up with. They may be corny, and you might not recognize some of the characters or context, but it’s a lot of fun to follow the words and sing 'em out loud.

And, boy, did the professors laugh/blush/seethe when we unleashed these beauties back in the day.

I swear, if it weren’t Christmas, lawsuits would have been filed.



THE SUBJECT: A STERN, BUT LOVABLE, LADY PROFESSOR
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “IKAW ANG MS. UNIVERSE NG BUHAY KO”

Ikaw ang Ms. Universe, ng U.P. Law.
Ilang beses ko pa bang sasabihin sa ‘yo?
Ang make-up mong walang ‘sing kapal,
Lalabas ka ba sa karnabal?
Ikaw ang Ms. Universe, ng U.P. Law.

THE SUBJECT: THE FORMER COLLEGE SECRETARY, WHO HAD THE MOST DRAMATIC, SWASHBUCKLING GAIT AND BODY MOVEMENTS AROUND
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “PRINCE ALI” (from Aladdin)

Di-si-ni
Se-cre-ta-ry
Macho lumaaa-kad.
GQ ‘yan,
Fundador man,
Strong ang dating.
Enforcer ni Agabin,
Pag s’ya na ang naging Dean,
Lahat lalagpakin
Ni Disini.

THE SUBJECT: A BRILLIANT BUT SOMETIMES HARD TO UNDERSTAND PROFESSOR WHOSE STUDENTS WOULD OCCASIONALLY NOD OFF IN CLASS

SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “OH, CAROLINA”

Magallona is the best
Kung gusto mo mag-rest
Pero kwidaw sa finals
Baka ’di ka maka tres.
Oh, Magallona (gising na, gising na)
Oh, Magallona (tulog na, tulog na)

THE SUBJECT: A FREQUENTLY ABSENT PROFESSOR OF CRIMINAL PROCEDURE
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE”

Bakit kapag may Crim Pro,
Mga law students ay nahihilo.
It’s a problem to find
This professor of mine,
Lagi na lang kami ay left behind...

Every time I see you, Leonen
I get down on my knees and pray.
We’re waiting for that time you show up and
Tell us all that you will stay.

(AND MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE. I SWEAR, YOU HAVE TO SING-ALONG OUT LOUD WITH THIS ONE)

THE SUBJECT: A VERY BRAINY BUT BALDING PROFESSOR
SUNG TO THE TUNE OF: “AWIT NG BARKADA” (saan na napunta ang panahon)

Ang aming teacher na galing Harvard,
Kung mag-english s’ya, ‘di trying hard.
Nung nasa U.P. ay laging scholar,
At parang Beatles ang kanyang bangs.

Nasaan na napunta ang iyong bangs?
Sinabunutan ka ni Beth mong giliw.
Nasubukan mo naba’ng Minoxidil?
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?

Pangalangan, Pangalangan
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?
Pangalangan, Pangalangan
Saan na napunta ang buhok mo?

So what are the kids at UP Law up to these days? Apparently, they've added a freaking hilarious freestyle-rap battle portion to "Madness"

I'm so fraking proud of my alma mater, I could cry.