EARTH DAY EXIT

Hong Kong, you're in for some serious climate change, for your new Philippine vice-consul is none other than the batch's one and only ABANDON JOY GOES ORAL!

Some inconvenient truths about our beloved Bacolod-er:

1. She's injured more players - girls and boys - during our semi-regular Thursday night co-ed basketball game than everyone else combined (the LLDD's forehead was once at the receiving end of one of her hard fouls; there literally was an imprint of her hand across my noggin for two days; I looked like a Klingon).
2. She's the only batchmate whose "-isms" have their own subject heading in the batch blog (sample: "ang tamis pala ng sweet corn!").
3. She's subject of a batch office pool predicting the date of her forcible recall from post by the Home Office (we're a cruel, cruel batch).
4. She's forbidden from marrying anyone with a last name beginning in "M", because then her initials would be "LBM", and none of us has the heart to address any important communication to her "Urgent LBM".

Seriously, these two should never mate.

We're kidding of course. Our joyful batchmate has been just that to us over the years, and Hong Kong is a challenging post for anyone. She has our love, our support, and our clear instructions to get an apartment big enough to hold us whenever we want to shop or visit Disneyland.

FANTASIES COME TRUE!

Those of you who don't follow fantasy sports, I got nothing for you this week. Go to that Australian's blog or something.

Those of you who thought the "fantasies" in the subject line referred to...um...something else...ummmm...Shoo! Shoo! I don't want your kind here! (call me)

Those of you who DO follow fantasy sports, you know what I mean when I say......Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaah, baby!!!

Oh yes! After five years, 34 teams, and thousands of hours wasted, the LLDD is finally....FANTASY CHAMPION!!!

(cue "Queen" music and exploding confetti)

OK, technically I'm just "co-champion" in my private league, but screw it, Superman and Flash once raced to a draw too, and mankind was better for it (watching the former league champions/runners-up suck cellar for most of the season was just gravy). And check it, I got not one but two bling this season!

Oh, you BEAUTIES!

I previously posted what being MMBFBLC means to me, so to finally come out on top, you know those webpages are gonna be my new screensaver, cellphone wallpaper, and first born child's bedroom motiff!

Too much? Only if you can have too much AWESOME!

For no one was around when I became a LL; not many knew I took an oath as a DD; but I will scream it to the world: I am lame! I am dorky! I AM CHAMPION!!!

And the world is a better place.

Well, she's happy about it, but it's not quite the victory parade I had in mind.

DIPLO-LINGO!

…Next, on the LazyAssCan’tGetUpFromHomeShopping Channel…

(cue intro music)

(roll graphics)

(prompt big haired actors)

(action!)



TIRED OF NOT BEING INVITED TO EMBASSY COCKTAIL PARTIES?

CAN’T SIT AT THE COOL CADETS’ TABLE IN THE CAFETERIA?

FEELING LESS LIKE AN ATTACHÉ AND MORE LIKE A DE-TACHÉ?

WELL, HAVE WE GOT THE SOLUTION POUR VOUS!!! WITH THE NEW DIPL-O-MATICTM HANDBOOK, YOU TOO CAN TALK LIKE A DIPLOMAT!!!

THE SECRET? JUST SPRINKLE A FEW OF THE DIPL-O-MATIC'STM DIPLO-LINGOTM IN YOUR NORMAL CONVERSATION, SIT BACK, AND WATCH YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU “BOY ENVOY” IN NO TIME!

IT’S THAT EASY!

WITH THE DIPL-O-MATICTM HANDBOOK, YOU’LL DAZZLE EVERYONE AS YOU USE COMMON WORDS IN DIPLO-CONTEXTTM! YOU’LL LEARN TO USE TERMS LIKE:

Onboard – Simply means you’re flying on the same plane as the principal. So if an official asks “Are you onboard?”, he is NOT asking if you’re a team player, and you should NOT smack him for questioning your loyalty. He probably just wants to know if you’re ok with sitting in the middle row next to the snoring fat guy.

Capital – During international gatherings, diplomats don’t refer to their capital cities by name, like Manila or London or Coruscant. They simply say “Capital”, as in “I’m waiting for instructions from Capital”, or “I hope Capital doesn’t check what I ordered on my hotel pay-per-view.”

Intervention – A form of statement read by a country representative during a multilateral activity. If a diplomat mentions “there was a substantive intervention this morning”, don’t reply “I thought Britney was already in rehab.” Leave Britney alone!

Quid Pro Quo – Same meaning as anywhere else, except diplomats like saying “QPQ” (which is unfortunate, because Hannibal going “QPQ, Clarisse. QPQ. Ffffftttttttfffftttttt!” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it)

Overpass – Anyone can get into a plenary session or opening/closing ceremony with a standard identification card, but you need an additional limited-issue pass – an overpass – to place above the common I.D. to get into the smaller, more exclusive meetings. Bring a smile to a diplomat’s face by noticing his overpass, as this recognizes his importance, standing and “heat” (on the flipside, there's nothing more fun at multilateral events than watching “overpass envy” in action, as herds of delegates march through convention center gates, get turned back at meeting room entrances for lack of overpasses, and then endlessly roam the hallways and eyeball other people's I.D.s)

Plus “X” – Signifies the size of the principal’s posse at an event, as well as indicates the likelihood whether someone like you will get to join (see “Overpass”). “Plus One” means it’s just the principal and another VIP who are invited (you’re definitely out of this one); “Plus Five” means inclusion of less senior and maybe some middle-class officials (you’re still probably not included, but no harm in dreaming); “Plus 20” is for large events like cultural shows and galas (20 is usually larger than the size of your entire country delegation, so if you still don’t get an invitation to this one, brother, you’ve got bigger problems). And don't confuse any of these with the many different ASEAN Plus “X” configurations, like ASEAN Plus One, ASEAN Plus Three, ASEAN Plus Six, ASEAN Plus Riboflavin, and ASEAN Plus 50 Free Texts.

AGAIN, IT’S THAT FREAKIN’ EASY!!! WE’LL EVEN TEACH YOU HOW TO BRING DIPLOMATS TO ECSTASY BY STRINGING ALL THE TERMS TOGETHER! CONSTRUCT SENTENCES LIKE:

“Did you discuss the QPQ onboard from Capital? There may be an intervention during the Plus Five. Nice Overpass.”

DIPLO-TASTIC!!!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!

IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE’LL THROW IN THE "ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO GIVING DIRECTIONS LIKE A LIAISON OFFICER"!

(Actually, this is all wrong: the bottom of the barong is not square, the arm should be higher/almost perpendicular to the body, and the palm should not be facing upward. But, damn, the model's hot!)

AND JUST LISTEN TO THESE SATISFIED TESTIMONIALS:

"Before, I didn't know a Demarche from a Di'Mark's. Now, I know how to give a diplomatic representation of my government's official position AND where to get great thin-crust pizza! Thanks Dipl-o-matic!" - B.S., 35

"I used to be just some leader, but with Dipl-o-matic, I'm now SOM Leader!" - L.R., 29

"I lost 15 pounds and have firmer abs!....what?....what do you mean wrong infomercial?" - LLDD, 30-ish

YOU GET THE IDEA!

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? ORDER NOW!

(The Dipl-O-Matic company only accepts cash, major credit cards and QPQs. Promo not valid in countries that haven't signed the Treaty of Amity and Cooperation)

(fade to black)

OF AMOUR, TWO WANGS AND FAKE HOOTERS

When I first reported for duty at the DFA, there really weren’t many happenin’ places around the Home Office. Seriously, if you wanted to eat out but couldn’t go far, your choices were limited to a McDonald’s down the block and the microwavable siomai at Mini-Stop.

Sometime during our cadetship, however, construction began on a commercial structure right across the Home Office that raised our collective spirits. The “On this Site will Rise” sign visible from our classroom window promised “44,000 square meters of fantastic retail experience, complete with All-You-Can-Drink Grand Opening, breathtaking lights, great shopping and dining, thousands of tiangge and night market stalls, and non-stop entertainment.” They also said they'd build classy twenty-storey condos on the lot but, really, they had us at All-You-Can-Drink.

Imagine, then, everyone’s disappointment when the whole place became an edifice to epic fail.

Where to begin? How about the fact that the place scheduled its launch almost the same month as the opening of this store you may have heard of - Mall of Asia? Or how about that fact that any commercial area built in front of the Home Office will be just two minutes away from, I don’t know, a brand new MALL OF FREAKIN’ ASIA?

(Great job, Developer's market research department!)

Things might have turned out better if the Developer just made up its mind between Cutting-and-Running and Screw-it-Build-It-and-They-will-Come. No, the developer seemed to half-ass the whole thing, so the project went from this artist's rendition. . .

. . .to the stark reality. . .

(I imagine the conversation between the Developer and the Building Contractor went something like:

Developer: "Some tents, a 44,000 square meter roof, and we're golden"
Contractor: "How about some paint, and interior walls maybe?"
Developer: "Well now you're just talking crazy"

Incidentally, I know artists' renditions take creative liberties, but wouldn't all those buildings drawn in the background have to be constructed right smack in the middle of Manila Bay? Parking might be a problem, no?)

To be fair, the place in its early days seemed to have a plan and even managed to land a couple of reputable tenants. An amusingly named "anchor" shopping center was opened with hopes of drawing people in with the widest selection of...um...knockoffs. Jollibee, Chowking, Max’s and Chicken Bacolod also set up shop, no doubt to take advantage of – as the place’s website put it – “the Department of Foreign Affairs where thousands of people visit everyday to secure their passports, visas and other foreign documents.”

(Yes. That’s what we do. The Home Office. Of the Philippines. Issue visas and other foreign documents. To Filipinos. Thousands of them.)

(And, BTW, those thousands of people? They all go through the Home Office from the OTHER SIDE of building, the side going AWAY from the commercial center. Just thought the marketing research department should know.)

Just as quickly, all those franchises shut their doors and pulled out. Now that’s saying a lot, because have you ever heard of a Jollibee closing down? Me neither.

It's not like the people at the Home Office didn’t patronize the establishments. Believe me, we did. But, apart from the abovementioned blunders, the developer simply did too many things that tempted the shopping gods. Bad karmall, if you will.

First, an SSS office was supposed to be built on-site. This would have been a good public service and guaranteed a steady stream of foot traffic (aside from those thousands of foreign document wielding Filipinos, of course). For whatever reason, however, the SSS office never opened, and in its place they put up…

...that’s right, Karaoke baby! (and from what I’ve heard from our Protocol people, overpriced Karaoke at that)

Second, the developer ringed the area with streetlamps so gaudy they would make German Moreno blush. I even took to naming those bad boys…

..."The Standard Chartered"...

..."Effeminate Jenga"...

..."Pinhead from 'Hellraiser.' "

(I swear, those lights were put near the DFA to help our diplomats find their way home in a storm)


Last, and most egregious, the developer hinted to – nay, teased! – half the Home Office that the place would house the restaurant franchise to end all restaurant franchises…

Alas, what actually opened bore the same name, served the same wings, and used the same shorts, but everyone could tell, even from afar…dem ”Hooters” ain't real.

(Moment of silence)


Today, the complex is mostly a shell. Oh sure, there’s a Goodah! around, even a large handicraft store and a used car lot. But for the most part, the complex still looks like a place you’d house a thousand badminton courts. Or NFA rice.

Yet everyone at the Home Office still roots for the place’s eventual success. For every time diplomats pass it during lunchbreak it is said: There but for the grace of Henry Sy go we.