'TIS THE SEASON TO BE PHOTOSHOPPIN'

Before we enter the annual Twelve days of Department offices' Christmas Greetings season, I'd just like to remind everyone in the Foreign Service that we should be good at photoshop all year round, and not just when Santa's watching. I myself dabbled in the dark arts during my stint as Office Concierge in London...

...and front-line offices back at Headquarters have long utilized 'Shop to create self-aware wallpaper.

Upon my recall to the Home Office, I was also most pleased to find photoshop in glorious use during senior officials' despedidas...

...and birthdays.

So foreign service photoshops are truly the gifts that keep on giving.

And yet...

My faith in this great tradition has just been shaken to its core by some early Christmas submissions of foreign service posts that openly flaunted photoshop on facebook...

...or resorted to making instagram videos ...

... and even (gasp!) took part in challenges

What's next, embassy gifs?! MEMES?!?!!!!!

I blame millennials.

WRITTEN OFF

So in just the last two weeks....

... a senior - but young in age - official launches a pioneering handbook he put together...

...a young in age ambassador works on his third book of poetry...

...and a young in age officer who's only a batch ahead of me is featured in the papers for her award winning-novel, a book of short stories, and three Palanca awards.

Over the last two weeks, I was able to make cup noodles and blog about Kermit flashing his groin.

I REGRET NOTHING


*sobs into cup noodles*

THIS NEWS SITE'S STOCK PHOTO-HEADLINE ALGORITHM CONTINUES TO ASTOUND

First it fronts the invention of a crop pest remover as the impending alien bug invasion that will wipe away mankind. Now it calls out Kermit as total perv. I mean, who knows, maybe he is.

LEADING THE WAY IN PHOTO I.D. TECHNOLOGY

A surprise announcement was just made over the P.A. that: 1) everyone in the Department would be issued new office I.D.s; 2) for this purpose, everyone needed to submit perfectly lit, proper background-colored high-res photos of themselves; and 3) everyone needed to submit their perfectly lit, proper background-colored high-res photos like right now. No time to go to photoline at MOA or anything.

Ha! Almost everyone at the Department's a hardened veteran of consular outreach missions, and if there's one thing we learned from those, it's how to MacGyver the hell out of a photo studio set-up.

And so in my office...

It of course worked.  

We look forward to more of a challenge next time.  

THAT IS NOT A BRITISH DIPLOMATIC VEHICLE, GOOD SIR!

Nor are you travelling within Her Majesty's realm!

Furthermore, contrary to your plate's country code, I express serious reservations that you are even from Chile. And do not for a moment contemplate parking in a diplomatic space.

I say good day to you!

ALL WORK AND NO COSPLAY

I'm often asked "does Capt. DFA have any super-powers or special abilities at all?", to which I answer "how dare you the captain is a national treasure who'll secure the department's ISO certification one day and that should be enough for you and you'll never get his secret identity out of me unless you file a freedom of information request."

Or, if you caught him in action at this year's cosplay mania at MOA, you'd be able to piece together that Capt. DFA can:

• Amazingly enlarge a passport to the size of a magazine 

in anticipation of the 10 year validity extension

• Clearly and concisely explain WPS

which is the real super power these days, amirite?

• Benevolently award citizens Courtesy Lane slots

actually, the Captain was granted this power through a corresponding Department Order and Memorandum Circular, also known as the most boring origin back-story ever

• Magically pull in people at a cosplay event to visit a freakin' government booth...

           ...including the genre's biggest celebrity

uuuy, si Cap...naka-stomach in

• And, most importantly, stand like a total bad-ass and glower at the city that needs saving below -- like all the true superheroes do

with great passport comes great responsibility 

IT'S SUNDAY, I MUST BE IN...HONOLULU

Oh wow, one could get used to this.  

I mean, I haven't traveled much since getting recalled to the Home Office, but damn if Honolulu isn't one of the most chill places to be posted. The people are totally laid back, the weather's consistently perfect, the dress codes are relaxed, and the cityscape is just plain gorgeous. Legend has it our personnel's typical days go something like: commute/walk to the office via warm sandy coastline; put in a full-shift of work in comfy clothes; go home in the evening but under daylight; surf 'til it's time to sleep.

Like I said, total chill.

meanwhile, back in London

The thing about Honolulu is how comfortably familiar everything feels. It was my first time here, yet it seemed like I was meeting up with an old friend. All around me were triggers that took me to the happy places in my mind. Things like:

The beaches go all the way up to downtown's doorstep

where I can re-imagine my daily drive along Roxas Boulevard

The hotels and skyline are reassuringly recognizable

like a supercut of every establishing shot from Hawaii-Five-O and Magnum P.I.

You can't help but ponder the historical significance of Pearl Harbor

and how Michael Bay managed to botch it

Speaking of history, our Consulate's as venerable as heck

over 100 years old and counting, son

For that matter, the Philippine influence can be seen everywhere

although it took me several takes to recognize G on local TV

The vistas are as stunning as they are relaxing

just try not to imagine the "Lost" smoke monster's over the next ridge

The "Shaka/Hang Loose" hand sign is just too cool

but a pain for someone my age to pull off properly

(damn arthritis)

So there you have it. All the signs are there that Honolulu is one of the best places to be. Countless things going for it, few against. If ever you're asked whether you'd like to go there, don't put much thought into your answer. It's really a no-brainer.

That's not what I meant Honolulu, and you know it.